The Best Way to Strangle a Snitch is with a Cable

Posted by: Tristan

-filed by intrepid Douchebag Report Sports Correspondent Nick Stej

Al Davis, a Hall of Famer and one of the men who built pro football as we know it today, has completely lost both his mind and his tact. The legendary Raiders Warlord has seemingly frayed his once great empire through underhanded dealings and snitching tactics.

Davis sent a mole into then Head Coach Lane Kiffin’s coaching room and where did that land him? A few decades late and a few bucks short of having a good coach.

Everyone in the Raiders coaching staff seems to have known Randy Hanson’s deal. He was the informant to Al Davis and a real Raiders guy. When Kiffin tried to suspend Hanson in 2008, he was fired soon after. This proves that losing and talking trash about the organization is okay, but suspending a d-backs coach is an impeachable offense.

That buck short would later come in the form of Tom Cable, a mean looking son of a bitch who appears as if he’d just as soon teach you how to shed a cut block as he’d show you how to bottle two men cleanly before the third dropped his glass.

The first time that the former defensive backs coach and purported mole Randy Hanson opened his mouth during a meeting, Cable is reported to have replied with a swift “If I could fire you today, I would.”

Less than a year later, Cable would allegedly remove the snitch’s ability to report coherently to the boss by breaking his jaw.

To get the tale of the tape straight, Cable has got to outweigh Hanson by at least 100 pounds. Still, a cinematic moment like Shooter McGavin’s savage beating at the hands of a giant mongoloid at the end of Happy Gilmore suggest that some people just have it coming to them.

Cable reportedly demoted Hanson to off-field film squint duty shortly before the altercation. Here’s a brief dramatization of how I envision the situation developing:

Int. Coaches’ Meeting, 15 minutes in…

DB Coach (Lionel Washington): Their receivers are getting their release too easy.

Hanson: Pffft.

Cable: Excuse me?

Hanson: Nothing to do with me, chief.

Cable: Excuse me?

Cable throws Hanson out of his chair.

Cable: Get up from the floor, you fucking rat. I still can’t hear you.

Hanson: This is how you’re running your ship now?

Cable: “I am going to kill you”

Cable strangles Hanson, who is at this point a limp rag doll.

Cable: “I am going to kill you.”

Cable gets one good haymaker in, breaking Hanson’s thin, pasty jaw.

The rest of the coaches knew that where one punch landed, many might follow and seized Cable before he could land a second blow.

Al Davis lost his mole last week, but may have gained much more.

If Hanson presses charges like he seems to be prepared to do, Cable will be up on felony assault charges.

If Hanson follows this through to conviction, Tom Cable is a convicted felon.

POP QUIZ!

Name one Oakland Raiders criminal.

OK, too easy.

Name one Oakland Raiders felon!

Easy too, yeah, this next one might be a bit easier.

Name one Raiders Stool Pigeon.

Randy Hanson.

Check that. There are no stoolies in the Raiders organization. Mr. Hanson, you are soon to be fired by Mr. Davis.

Al Davis has always loved having criminals within his organization. Take a guess who’s a Raiders guy now. Take a guess who’s out of a job.