The 2010 NFL Playoffs, A Beginner’s Guide

Posted by: Tristan

Part 1: The Wild Card Round

Nick Stej

January 7, 2010

The Wild Card round of the NFL Playoffs is a good introduction to watching an entire weekend of football for those who may not be seasoned veterans of binge couch sporting. This sect includes those who nearly exclusively watch the local team, those who do not watch college football all day on Saturday, and even those who keep their football watching strictly to Sundays and the occasional Monday night game. The hard core fan, however, should not be discouraged from reading this guide, as this primer can enhance the maiden weekend of the NFL Playoffs for all classifications of football fan.

The Wild Card round presents a chance for the two best teams in each conference not to have managed to win a division title to face the winners of the lesser two of the four division winners in their respective conference. Many consider this to be the most exciting of the four rounds in the NFL tourney. Wild card teams like the ’97 Broncos, ’00 Ravens, and the ’07 Giants have gone on to win the Super Bowl in recent years.

In order to fully enjoy the weekend, pregame preparations must be made. The key items for this voyage of the sofa include the essentials: at least one case of beer per person, chips/pretzels/crackers, cheese, and an essential long-term food source like chili or pulled pork. If you don’t own a Crock Pot, go buy one. Even the novice can maintain a pot full of meatballs and marinara over the course of two days.

As the beers and artery cloggers flow, the one facet of preparation that may be overlooked is often the games themselves. The playoff slate begins at 4:30 on Saturday, so be sure to have made all preparations prior to kickoff.

The food is hot and the beer is ice cold. Rock and Roll.

New York Jets (5) at Cincinnati Bengals (4), Saturday 4:30 NBC

For the first time in NFL history, three teams will face their week 17 opponents in the first round of the playoffs. Each of the three matchups was a thorough beatdown last week. The Jets fisted the Bengals in week 17 by a decisive score of 37-0 on Sunday night. Most viewers gave up on the pathetic Bengals before the first half ended. Those who watched further were treated with the bumbling antics of Bengals backup QB JT O’Sullivan, who struggled to get plays off before the play clock expired. The Bengals looked like a bunch of assholes.

It was surprising to see Carson Palmer on the field to start the game at QB, as the rest of the Bengals had seemingly forgotten to get off the plane in Jersey. If they were going to quit, then why even play their starters? Cedric Benson was scratched from the lineup, leaving him free of the soul rape that occurred, but it seems that as the majority Bengals’ starting squad was thoroughly demoralized, they are mentally screwed to the floor for the playoffs.

If there is a game to skip this weekend, skip this one. Take the wife out to dinner, walk the dog, rip down some Christmas lights, do whatever you need to do in asking pre-forgiveness for the rest of the weekend. Never tell her how bad you know the Jets will pummel the Bungles. Insist that you’re missing a good game. Point to the final score, ignore the Chad Johnson’s garbage touchdowns, and insist that you missed a good game.

Implications: Winner plays at Indianapolis (1) if New England (3) wins Sunday; Winner plays at San Diego (2) if Baltimore (6) wins.

Postgame-Pregame: Chug/funnel/shotgun a few beers. Down a shot or two. Choose Tequila or whisky, depending on your climate and personal disposition. Drink up! It’s Saturday night, ya turkey!

Philadelphia Eagles (6) at Dallas Cowboys (3), Saturday 8:00 NBC

AJ Daulerio of deadspin.com accurately joked that the Eagles “proved that it’s possible to pull your starters even though they are actually still playing in the game.” This 24-0 shutout was so bad that I actually tuned in to the Bucs-Falcons game after the first quarter of this shit pile. No kidding. Paired with their week 9 victory, the Cowboys have outscored the Eagles 44-16.

Advantage: the team playing against Tony Romo in any playoff game until he wins one. Don’t tell me that Romo exercised all of his late season demons by stomping a hot division rival. He’s still Danny White in my book.

WR Roy Williams is symbolic of the Cowboys’ underachievement over the past few years and Eagles CB Asante Samuel should be glued to overachieving workhorse WR Miles Austin until Williams can prove that he’s worthy of more than Sheldon Brown’s solo attention.

The Wade Philsbury Doughboy (pictured twice below) will get rolled up and sent packing by Jerry Jones after another late season collapse in Philly.

Implications Pending Victory: Philadelphia plays at New Orleans (1); Dallas plays at Minnesota (2).

Postgame: Whatever the hell it is that you do at 11 on a Saturday night when you’re good and loaded.

Baltimore Ravens (6) at New England Patriots (3), Sunday 1:00 CBS

The story of this game is clearly Wes Welker’s season ending ACL/MCL tear. Welker led the league in receptions (123) despite missing two games early this season and was Brady’s only target on many key passing downs. Julian Edelman seems to be a Welker “clone”, but as we saw in the movie Multiplicity, the quality of clones is lessened with every cloning. Similarities don’t stop there, as just in the movie, no one is laughing at this mess.

The resurgent Willis McGahee stole carries from starting RB Ray Rice last week, bitch-slapping the Raiders secondary en route to three touchdowns. McGahee has made fans spill their drinks and shout in horror before, once in college and again in the pros. Third time’s the charm?

The Patriots won the week four matchup 27-21, indicating just how close these two teams are in talent. The Ravens are relatively healthy, which gives them a slight edge heading into The Razor in Foxboro.

Implications Pending Victory: Baltimore plays at Indianapolis (1); New England plays at San Diego (2).

Postgame-Pregame: your grill should be hot and ready to go. Sunday is prime for a steak and corn on the cob. I suggest a nice tender ribeye cut. A good fat marble is necessary. If the ribeye doesn’t look good, get a more reliable cut. Drink more beer.

Green Bay Packers (5) at Arizona Cardinals (4), Sunday 4:40 FOX

Last week the Pack manhandled the nothing-to-win Cardinals 33-7, but the victory was meaningless. Really, how hard is it to beat an Arizona team with hapless draft bust Matt Leinart at the helm and top receiving threats Fitzgerald and Boldin resting?

This game is the perfect capper to the Wild Card weekend. Just sit back and watch Warner and Rodgers give the scoreboard bulbs a workout. It doesn’t matter who wins this game, but I would like to see Aaron Rodgers ride into Minnesota next week and throw 5 TD’s to match the Ol’ Gunslinger’s 5 INT’s.

Implications: Winner plays at New Orleans (1) if Dallas (3) wins Sunday; Winner plays at Minnesota (2) if Philadelphia (6) wins.

Postgame Activity

By this time, you’re good and lit. The Devil on your shoulder will be telling you to continue drinking heavily and eating fried foods late into the evening. This is not correct. Unfortunately, the normally level-headed Angel is passed out in a puddle between the numbers 1 and 5 on the opposite shoulder of your new Chris Henry jersey.

Fuck it, pour the shot. Your sick days at work just refreshed on the New Year. The football gods love a working man.