The 2010 NFL Playoffs, A Novice Guide Part 2: The Divisional Round

Posted by: Tristan

Nick Stej

January 14, 2010

The Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs presents four matchups of sheer firepower versus raw grit.  Four well rested teams are invaded by four teams who are battle hardened and salty.  Rest versus rust is always the pertinent question in this round.  The Colts and Saints have essentially taken the last month off, while their opponents have had to hack and slash a path to playoff survival.

The confidence gained by these teams last week is invaluable.  The three young quarterbacks (Flacco, Romo, and Sanchez) breezed through their first round opponents with relative ease, gaining the essential experience.  That being said, those three games were a complete and utter waste of time for viewers.  The Pats, Eagles, and Bengals simply bent over and let sloppy nature take its course.  Ned Beatty’s signature scene in Deliverance was easier to watch.

The lessons learned in completing last week’s Beginner’s Guide should serve to perfect the playoff experience in this, the second round of the NFL tournament.  For the remaining noob readers, the two winners in each conference play each other next Sunday in the individual Conference Championship games, which are the final (worthwhile) precursor to the Super Bowl.

Heat up the Crock Pot, crack your first beer, and tether your fat ass to the recliner.  It’s time for some fuckin’ pigskin, assholes!

Arizona Cardinals (4) at New Orleans Saints (1), Saturday 4:30 FOX

Don’t expect any big surprises here – this matchup should be strikingly similar to last week’s barnburner between the Cardinals and the Packers (51-45 OT).  Anquan Boldin figures to be a game time decision, but Larry Fitzgerald expects Boldin to be on the field Saturday in some capacity due to Boldin’s incomparable toughness.

Peripherals aside, two big game signal callers will have no difficulty finding the end zone against fairly average defenses.  Here’s a fun drinking game to play during such a scoreboard-melter as this: have each person watching the game pick a quarterback.  Half of the audience takes Kurt Warner and the other half takes Drew Brees.  Every time a QB throws a touchdown pass, the opposite group takes a shot.  Each person selects a “Wild Card” offensive player.  If that player scores a receiving touchdown, the person holding that Wild Card distributes one shot to the opponent of their choice.

Are those rules convoluted enough?  You’ll hopefully be too fucked up to notice by the first half’s final gun.  Just another exercise in idiocy.

One more thing: Enjoy watching Kurt Warner.  You may never see the old master at work again.  Your postgame activities should include: greasy dinner, more heavy drinking (it’s Saturday night), and reminiscing upon Kurt Warner great moments of yore.

Baltimore Ravens (6) at Indianapolis Colts (1), Saturday 8:15 CBS

The Colts are screwed mentally as a result of their week 16 tank job.  Thanks for giving Coach Caldwell the orders to pull the starters in the third quarter of a 15-10 game, Bill Polian!  Curtis Painter and his 9.8 QB rating worked out great for the team!  Nothing tells the paying fans to go and take a Polish Bike Ride like unabashedly throwing away a perfect season without a hint of regret.

The Ravens held a confident Colts offense to 17 points in week 11, giving the edge to a revitalized Ravens defense over a now deflated Colts squad.  Although Manning has had some success against the Ravens in the past, this doesn’t look to be his week.

The entity that may be overlooked in this matchup is Ravens QB Joe Flacco.  It is clear that Peyton Manning’s face looks like it’s been affixed onto a giant thumb, but Flacco is the spitting image of beloved homosexual Sesame Street character Bert.  The reason for this omission may be the easy predisposition of people to refer to Joe Flacco of the NFL as Shane Falco of the movie The Replacements.

Stand tall in the pocket, Bert Falco.

Dallas Cowboys (3) at Minnesota Vikings (2), Sunday 1:00 FOX

It’s a shame that the Eagles completely laid down (34-14) last week against the Cowboys, preventing the Cards/Pack winner from playing the Vikes.  It would have been amusing to watch Brett Favre completely self-destruct trying to keep pace with either Kurt Warner or Aaron Rodgers this Sunday.  Cardinals Choker Kicker Neil Rackers apparently wanted that as much as any of us.

Instead, we have the privilege of watching a pair high-octane, souped-up lemmings in a full sprint drag race toward the proverbial cliff of a five interception meltdown.   Both Favre and Romo have the potential to throw a big game away.  They’re a pair of rockheaded playmakers who thrive based on superior physical tools.  These two honkies are prime examples of the typical black quarterback archetype held by many knucklehead/racist football fans.

New York Jets (5) at San Diego Chargers (2), Sunday 4:40 CBS

The Chargers have the upper hand in this matchup due to one factor alone: LT’s Slide: The Electric Glide.  Yes, the hottest team in the NFL just got that much hotter.  LaDainian Tomlinson is the Fridge, Samurai Mike, and the Punky QB all rolled into one smooth brotha.

Tomlinson may get his glide on, but the Jets 2^nd ranked (yards/game) running game is the one to be feared Sunday against the Chargers’ 20^th ranked rushing defense, who has allowed a 5^th worst 4.5 yards per carry.

Don’t despair if the Jets jump out to an early lead via the big play.  The Bolts can put up quick points in short time thanks to their considerable physical size and athleticism at Wide Receiver and Tight End.  Cornerback Darrelle Revis can completely shut down one WR for an entire game, but the Chargers passing game clearly boasts more than merely a Philip Rivers to Vincent Jackson connection.

Rex Ryan has worked his defensive magic all year, but look for him to be drowning his sorrows in gravy while wiping away the tears with garlic bread all day Monday at the local Ponderosa greasy spoon buffet.

Postgame Activity

Getting after it as you were instructed to do last week is not advisable on consecutive Sunday nights, but devise some sort of contingency plan just in case.  Come up with a preemptive excuse for why you MAY be late/sick from work on Monday.  Jury duty, chronic car trouble, and pest control visits are valid reasons that may produce varied results for a multitude of circumstances.  You wouldn’t want your boss or coworkers to think that you’ve been coming down with the Monday Morning Quarterblahhhhh on the regular.