Super Bowl XLIV: The Expert Douchebag Guide

Posted by: Nick Stej

Super Bowl Sunday is one of those special days in the year where you are fully expected to fuck up someone else’s house at a Sunday night party and show up to work on Monday in a seriously bad way.  This is pro football’s incarnation of Amateur Night.  Like New Year’s Eve is with drinking, millions of people are interested in a football game between the Colts and Saints, teams that they are likely not to have seen play at any point this season.

It is likely that at least one third of the audience has not seen the Colts play since they stomped the Bears in Super Bowl XLI.  Realize that it’s not their fault and it doesn’t have to be anyone else’s problem as long as these people stay in their own lanes and don’t annoy the hard cores during the action.

Pregame Preparation

Those who watch little football but talk big football are easy to spot and should be avoided at all costs during the seat selection process.  Seek out fans of a similar disposition who are experienced enough to sit down and shut the fuck up during the game.  If you don’t know many people attending the party, casually bring up things like nickel packages, pulling Guards, and D-line stunts.  Gravitate toward people who understand these rudimentary concepts.

Stay away from the guy who looks at you like a confused cat at the mention of an A-gap blitz, but continues to talk lots of junk about how much football he knows.   This chode is likely to regale you with tales of the fantasy football glory of his oh-so-cleverly named team, AP’s Ass Pounders, the Frankfurt Fuckfaces, or whatever BS busts this chump up.

Winning his fantasy league apparently entitles this nerd to tell you everything he knows about the game.  Such idiotic gems of his may include but are not limited to: stopping Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne is the only way for the Saints to win, running the ball to set up the pass is necessary for either of these two teams to succeed offensively, and Saints Linebacker Jamie Sharper has to make another big interception for the Saints to win.

Now that you have separated yourself from the know-it-all dipshits, find a good seat.  Be careful not to choose one that could be considered especially desirable.  Just like at the stadium, some dude from the cheaper seats is ready to swoop in and take your spot.  An unobstructed view and acceptable cushioning are the only true essentials.

Also keep in mind that you will need ready access to the beer source.  Too far from the beer source leaves you at risk of annoying people with your fat moneymaker crossing the TV every half hour, but sitting too close to the well makes you the Beer Bitch.  Choose wisely, as your seating decisions will alter your perception of this, the biggest game of the year.

Eat This!

On the much debated subject of food, always bring some kind of appetizer or finger food along with your case of beer.  Don’t do anything too elaborate – just keep to your comfort zone.  Crock Pot cooking is generally well received.  Consult the Wild Card Guide for a few culinary suggestions.

I’m going with the super easy Seven Layer Mexican Party Dip this year.  Start with an ungreased disposable baking tin (8×8” works) and layer the following ingredients in from bottom to top: refried beans, chili, chunky salsa, sour cream, finely shredded Mexican cheese, and sliced jalapeños.  One normal-sized can/jar of each (less cheese and jalapeños) is plenty.  Pop this mess in the oven at 325 until the cheese fully melts.  Once the dip cools to a semi-volcanic temperature, enjoy it with a bag of durable tortilla chips and several beers.

Note: If you noticed that there are only six layers to the Seven Layer Dip, You can count, good for you. The seventh layer is love, baby. Love.

Super Bowl XLIV, Sunday 6:25 CBS

Indianapolis Colts (14-2) vs. New Orleans Saints (13-5)

Let’s not kid ourselves and overanalyze this game.  This is a matchup between the two best quarterbacks in the NFL and the game will play as such.  The QB’s run the two most explosive offenses in the league and will undoubtedly light up the scoreboard via their squadrons of fast and talented WR/TE personnel.

The Colts are favored heading into the game, but the Dwight Freeney ankle injury is a huge advantage for the Saints.  Drew Brees will be more comfortable in the pocket without that beast breathing down his next every time he drops back.  If Jeremy Shockey is anywhere close to 100%, he will thrive coming off a Freeney chip.

The other X-factor in this game is veteran Safety Darren Sharper, who is second only to Rod Woodson (12) in career interceptions returned for touchdowns with ten, is the active NFL interception leader with 63.  Sharper led the Saints with nine picks this season and is still among the most feared ball hawks in the league at age thirty-four.

Halftime Festivus and Beyond

If there are chicks at the party, they will inevitably be clamoring for Puppy Bowl or some gay shit at the half.  Calmly inform them that The Motherfuckin’ Who is about to rock your goddamned faces off!  It doesn’t matter that Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend are a combined 129 years old, they can still kind of rock.  Well, kinda.  Townshend might be a little sluggish with his trademark Windmills, but it’s still kind of cool.  Nah.  Screw it.  Turn on the dirty mutt show.

Man, do ever I miss the good ol’ Bud Bowl.  The only worthwhile halftime show since Janet Jackson’s nip-slip was Tom Petty, and that band is all old bastards now too.  Prince was cool, but the NFL needs to get a bit more current with their selection of halftime acts.

The Finale

Regardless of the score coming out of the half, the game will be far from finished.  That is, unless the trailing QB is injured and Mark Brunell or Curtis Painter faces a large deficit, the game is well within reach for either of these potent offenses.

Be in your seat and equipped with a full plate, fresh beer, and empty bladder a few minutes before the kick.  This prevents potential squabbles over your seat.  Firmly entrenched for the second half of the Super Bowl, enjoy the culmination of the NFL season.

Prediction?  The Saints open the game with a few quick scores and ride it out to win 35-31.  If you don’t trust me, trust Tecmo Bowl…