On the Turning of the Seasons from Winter to Late Winter

Posted by: Nick Stej

Football season is over.  A lackluster 2009 NFL Playoff season ended with an entertaining Super Bowl in which Drew Moleman defeated Thumbface Manning.  Sean Payton won the Big Brass Balls Award for calling that “Ambush” onside kick for which Jim Caldwell’s team had no response.  Manning made just one mistake and it was game over, man.

There’s no Pro Bowl to avoid this Sunday, the NHL is hitting their Olympic break, the NBA All Star Game is lame, and baseball doesn’t start up for another few months.  What’s a sports fan to do?

Hear me out as I explain to you that NASCAR is the solution.  Watching stock cars drive in circles for hundreds of miles is a fun way to kill some precious time and brain cells on a Sunday afternoon.

Like in my early NFL Playoff guides, I will attempt to explain the best way to enjoy a NASCAR race.  The degree of difficulty is higher in this endeavor, as most literate Americans don’t watch auto racing.  Here comes the big swing and a probable miss.

The 52^nd Daytona 500, Sunday 1:00 FOX

Any NASCAR race is best enjoyed among a selection of like-minded individuals, as watching a race alone as a noob can tend to be dull.  This class of people includes dudes who enjoy cheap beer, chaw, and fried foods.  Such race time practices are essential for creating a stock car state of mind.  The wearing of sleeves is tolerated but generally frowned upon.

The arc of NASCAR drinking should resemble that of a day of NFL drinking, as the 500 starts at 1pm this year.  NASCAR claims to have fixed the tiresome pre-race programming problem, so a 1pm start time shouldn’t mean that the green flag actually drops at 2:30.  The duration of the race will be at least four hours, depending on the number and severity of crashes and cautions. My go-to cheap beer for a race day is Miller High Life Light because it seems to go down a bit smoother than Busch or Keystone and the standard cheap beer hangover is virtually nonexistent.

Last month provided football fans with several opportunities to experiment with Crock Pot slow cookery, but as far as food goes, Daytona is for Buffalo wings and Buffalo wings only.  Fire up the deep fryer and give ‘em hell by the time lap 50 rolls by and the timing will be perfect.

Curly fries are good as a side dish, as the deep fryer is already heated up and you’re a lazy slob.  If you want to put a little more effort in and eat something more healthy/delicious, try a box of New Orleans style red beans & rice (Zatarian’s is the best) seasoned with plenty of crushed black pepper.  Blue cheese dressing and celery are optional but recommended.  Wash it all down with the aforementioned cheap beer and you’re in Redneck Heaven.

The most important piece of advice I can give to a prospective NASCAR fan is to create an allegiance with a particular driver by the halfway mark of their first race.  Not only does this keep you more engaged during the course of the race by giving you a “team” to root for, but it aids in trash talking among your present company.  Example: “Hey [name of Dale Jr. fan], Jr. is running in the top ten.  He’s got a lot of work in front of him if he wants to get into his comfort zone of 31^st position by the end of the race.”

The same type of shit talking works with Tony Stewart being fat, Mark Martin looking like someone left him in the microwave too long, Kasey Kahne  getting hounded by cougars for being disturbingly pretty, Carl Edwards’ horse face, and the ability of Jamie McMurray, Michael Waltrip, and Casey Mears (DNQ) to each find an opportunity to crash at least once in every race.

It is important to be patient with the 500.  Wait through the annoying little spin and debris cautions because the eventual catastrophic multicar wreck, AKA The Big One (NNS race), happens at every superspeedway race.  To be fair, it’s happened a bit less often the last few seasons, but NASCAR fixed that.

Keep these things in mind this Sunday and give the Daytona 500 a shot.  If you’re going to sit on the couch all day on Sunday and drink cheap beer anyway, then why not?  No other major sports are on, Buffalo wings are awesome, car crashes satisfy human bloodlust, and the race will be over before The Simpsons airs at 8.

What have you got to lose?  If those brain cells you might kill are weak enough to be done in by a mere 12 pack, then fuck ‘em anyway.