Tiger Woods is Contrite, Chooses Sex Camp Over Golf

Posted by: Nick Stej

The Tiger Woods press conference came and went, not living up to the ESPN’s “Tiger Speaks” hype machine.  Tiger strolled out promptly at 11am eastern wearing casual a light blue collared shirt and dark blue sport coat and read from a well conceived fifteen minute script.  There were no questions asked by the charmed few in attendance.  As expected, Tiger kept it tight, controlled, and concise.  There was no sign of Mrs. Woods.

Tiger Woods appeared contrite and sincere, stating to the masses that “Every one of you has good reason to be critical of me.”  He begged his fans to “Find it in your heart to believe in me again” for his “Irresponsible and selfish” behavior.

Of course Tiger apologized, but before whom but his family must he prostrate himself?

Elin is obviously and justifiably ripshit.  “My real apology to her will come,” Tiger said of his wife, “with my behavior over time.”  Elin ain’t Kobe Bryant’s wife, able to be bought off with a eight pound diamond ring.  Tiger needs to get his shit straight before Elin even allows him to breathe the same oxygen that she does.

Tiger would have been better off coming out wearing a crown, cape, and scepter, flanked by a hot white bitch on each arm, but that’s just me.  As he opens his mouth to tell the public to kiss his rich black ass, the world is introduced to his new platinum grill, a suitable replacement for the massive Chiclets that were knocked out by Elin in November.  Sadly, that’s not Tiger’s m.o.

Oh and the teeth?  “Elin never hit me that night or any other night,” Tiger stated, “there was no domestic violence.”  Apparently it was an incredible coincidence that Tiger’s teeth leapt out of his maxilla at the very moment Elin was supposed to have been 7-ironing him Norman Raider style about the head and neck.

Tiger will atone for his sins with “Forty-five days in in-patient therapy” in some Dr. Drew type sex addiction camp.  Don’t have sex all day every day?  Great advice, Dr. Dickhead.

The timing of this presser is questionable, in itself creating a new group seeking apologies – the PGA.   Golfweek quotes fellow PGA’er Ernie Els as saying “It’s selfish.  You can write that.  I feel sorry for the sponsor.  Mondays are a good day to make statements, not Friday.  This takes a lot away from the golf tournament.”

Tiger is likely using the weekend to lessen the blow from the jabberjaw meatheads on ridiculous TV panel shows like Around the Horn who would eat up a five minute chunk of time every day from Monday to Friday.  However, this puts Tiger into the teeth of moral authority finger-waggers like Lupica and Albom, who will echo Tiger’s vow to “Start living a life of integrity” while yammering on the inaccurately titled Sports Reporters show on Sunday morning.

The only thing that many golf fans care about is his return, which Tiger left ambiguous.  His only reference to that came near the end of the speech when he said, “I do plan to return to golf one day…don’t rule out a return this year.”

Until then, I will continue my lifelong habit of not watching golf, a wrong for which I shall never atone.