CB Antonio Cromartie Traded to Jets, NYC Planned Parenthood Now Hiring Extra Staff

The New York Jets have acquired big play Cornerback and philandering douchebag Antonio Cromartie from the San Diego Chargers in exchange for a third round pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.  The pick can be upgraded to the second round pending a successful season by Cromartie, who despite his supreme physical stature (6’2”, 203 lbs.), was run out of San Diego as a result of a perceived lack of effort and physical play.

Cromartie’s stats are up to snuff even if his toughness isn’t.  In his three seasons as a Chargers starter, Cromartie had amassed 15 interceptions, 141 tackles, 2 touchdowns, and a starting 2007 Pro Bowl selection.  His pairing with bar-none-best-in-the-league CB Darrelle Revis potentially transforms the already excellent Jets secondary into the most dangerous playmaking defensive backfield in the NFL.

Antonio Cromartie’s reported off-field statistics are quite impressive by douchebag standards: seven children, all under six years old, to six women, in five states, and an upcoming court date regarding approximately $25K in unpaid child support.

This trade to New York provides Cromartie with a valuable opportunity to create an substantial East Coast franchise and try to emulate such legendary seed slingers as Travis Henry (eleven kids by ten women), Shawn Kemp (at least seven kids by at least six women), and Jason Caffey (ten kids by eight women).  At a mere twenty-five years of age, Cromartie has a chance to shatter these vaunted marks.

Antonio Cromartie needs to lock it down out on the gridiron and wrap it up off of it.  Quarterbacks are going to stay away from Revis, potentially leading Cromartie being exposed if he loses focus.  He will turn out washed up, broke, and filling the mold of countless other pro athletes turned deadbeat dads.

There is a bright side for Cromartie; should he continue the recent trend of a slight decline in skill, he may even get a chance to expand his illegitimate family internationally by joining the hallowed Canadian Football League in a few years.