Michele Bachmann is a Serious Presidential Candidate

In what can only be described as a desperate bid to be taken “seriously”, in last night’s Republican debate Michele Bachmann roared “I am a serious candidate for the presidency and I think it is important that I be treated as an equal on that stage.”

Here’s a hint, Michele…if you have to say it, you don’t.

For those of you who aren’t a fan of Team America: World Police, we’ll let you in on the joke.

Newport, RI Liquor Store Turns #OccupyWallStreet Into A Marketing Ploy

If there’s one thing that the #OccupyWallStreet crowd has demonstrated, through their words and actions over the last few weeks, it’s that they HATE businesses (with the possibly exceptions of drug peddlers and liberal media outlets). In fact, one of their main gripes is that it’s so hard to live in the modern world without some of your money trickling down into one major corporation or another.

About 200 miles northeast of the Wall Street occupation, Bridge Liquors, a Newport, RI liquor store, has an ironic take on the #OccupyWallStreet/Boston/LA/The Hood, etc. movement. Today, they launched #OccupyBridgeLiquors, a marketing campaign where they encourage people to use FourSquare to “check-in” at the store to get discounts and specials.

It just goes to show that nothing will adapt to a changing world and make the most of a situation than those damn corporations! Against this constant innovation, what’s a hippie to do but smell smell bad and smoke some more dope?

Of course, this isn’t the first time this has happened. As the Baby Boomers aged, the protest songs of the 60s were used in commercials to sell them stuff their older, more productive selves could then afford to enjoy.

Gawker is Jealous of Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg is a bit of a douchebag, at least as portrayed in The Social Network. The guy screwed over several of his friends and a lot of his enemies on his path to create the multi-billion dollar empire that is Facebook. There have been no shortage of lawsuits on the matter.

That said, no one can say that Zuckerburg hasn’t worked hard to get where he is. Anyone that is, besides Gawker.com.

Zuckerberg, who showed up in his standard uniform of t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers, stressed to the kids that “there’s no shortcuts” to success. (Grammar shortcuts are okay, apparently.) Then he went on to say that it’s important to pick a career you really love and that “great friendships” make life “fun and meaningful.”

If Gawker could demonstrate that Zuckerberg worked on Facebook for less than, say, 60 hours a week since its inception, they might have a point. In the meantime, they just sound jealous…and possibly a bit lazy.

Brent Gobbell: Whites Have No Power Over E-Mail

Tennessee Highway Patrol Trooper Brent Gobbell, 51, might not like black people, but today he probably dislikes Microsoft Outlook even more.

A Tennessee state trooper who accidentally sent an e-mail proclaiming white pride to 787 state employees has been suspended for 15 days without pay and will have to attend diversity training.

The e-mail from Trooper Brent Gobbell states, in part, “You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member … you call him a racist.” It also includes a list of racist epithets.

The state Department of Safety says Gobbell sent the e-mail to himself so he could print a copy. He did not realize he had also sent it to hundreds of state employees.

This incident must be a true embarrassment to those Tennessee Highway Patrol hicks who can consistently print their racist emails without accidentally forwarding them to the rest of the state government.

Douchebag Arrested for DWI Three Times in Three Weeks

Some people never learn, and Reno, Nevada resident John Parker is one of them:

Reno Police Sgt. Tom Robinson says John Parker was stopped Monday afternoon on a U.S. Highway 395 off-ramp on the south end of town after a concerned citizen alerted police about his erratic driving.

He says a check of Parker’s police record found he had been arrested on the same charge two other times since Oct. 2.

Robinson says officers contacted the city attorney, who contacted a Reno municipal court judge so Parker’s bail would be raised to $25,000. The judge also ordered that it be paid in cash rather than the usual practice of posting a bond for 10 percent of the total pending a court hearing.

A 50-year-old Reno man has been arrested on suspicion of drunken driving for the third time in less than three weeks.

Posterity

Here’s an adaptation of a Lord Byron quote, which is quite fitting for the late Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Douchebag):

“Posterity will never survey a nobler grave than this:

Here lie the bones of Kennedy: Stop, traveler, and piss.”

Free Coffee Goes Up In Smoke

In yet another example of why it’s usually a bad idea to have the government make lifestyle choices for the people, New York City is hassling a tobacco store owner for having a $9,000 coffee machine in his cigar shop, Barclay Rex.

Vince Nastri III, third-generation proprietor of the palace of puff, said his problems started in June when Health Department inspectors came to check up on complaints that cigar odors were wafting to the upper floors of the building at 75 Broad Street, according to the paper.

That complaint was unfounded, but an inspector noticed the coffee machine, which customers used to make free espressos and cappuccinos, and said it was illegal.

Nastri was issued a citation, which can lead to fines between $200 and $2000, and now finds himself between a rock and a hard place. Even to give coffee away for free he needs a permit to operate as a food-service establishment, but then smoking would be banned in his shop.

Who benefits from this?

Ryan Jenkins Lived By Strangulation, Died By Strangulation

In an update to a recent story, douchebag reality TV star and Canadian Ryan Jenkins has added a “-suicide” to the murder of his wife Jasmine Fiore. TMZ.com reports that his body was discovered by hotel staff in British Columbia and it appears that that he hung himself.

We at the Douchebag Report can only find tragic irony that the method he chose to kill himself was the same that he used to murder his wife: asphyxiation.

It is unclear what Jenkins hung himself with, but the word at DouchebagReport.com is that cable is the way to go.

Jimmy Carter: Best of Living Ex-Presidents

The liberals are trying to make a big deal out of this: Rasmussen reported that Jummy Carter is the best of living Ex-Presidents. For starters, Rasmussen, what the hell kind of survey is this anyway? I mean, really, what’s the point? According to Rasmussen:

For nearly one-out-of-three voters (32%), Jimmy Carter is the living ex-president who has done the best job since leaving the White House according to a Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey.

Carter, who served in the White House from 1977 to 1981, ranks first amont the surviving presidents.

Well, no shit. The best thing Jimmy Carter did since leaving the White House was to actually leave the White House, so I’m inclined to agree with these results.

We Were Warned

Ronald Reagan Speaks Out Against Socialized Medicine

Here is an audio track featuring (then private citizen) Ronald Reagan speaking out against socialized medicine. This track dates back to 1961 and is part of the “Operation Coffee Cup Campaign against Socialized Medicine,” formed to combat Democrats asking for socialized health care. We have to consider ourselves warned:

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