Gary Coleman Pleads No Contest To Charge

Gary Coleman, former child star and current occasional reality TV show star, plead no contest to a disorderly conduct charge on Tuesday.

The 40-year-old former star of “Diff’rent Strokes” was ordered to pay a $100 fine in a Payson court Tuesday. He also pleaded no contest to a reckless driving charge, which will be waived if he doesn’t have any other violations within a year.

According to court documents, Coleman, his wife and his bodyguard were going bowling in Payson, about 60 miles south of Salt Lake City, when Colt Rushton took a few photos of Coleman with his cell phone camera and took a few more of Coleman’s truck in the parking lot. Rushton’s lawyer says Coleman’s wife took Rushton’s cell phone, a scuffle ensued and then Coleman ran into Rushton with his truck as he was backing out of the parking lot.

For a man who’s so ill-tempered about people taking his picture, Coleman does seem to have put a lot of effort into looking like a rodeo clown.

‘Mikaeel’ Jackson: Muslim Popstar

No, we’re serious.  According to The Sun, Michael Jackson, weirdo douchebag extraordinaire, has converted to Islam and changed his name to Mikaeel.

MICHAEL JACKSON has become a Muslim — and changed his name to MIKAEEL.

The skint superstar, 50, donned Islamic garb to pledge allegiance to the Koran in a ceremony at a pal’s mansion in Los Angeles, The Sun can reveal.

Jackson was raised a Jehovah’s Witness but was apparently convinced to convert to Islam when the producer Phillip Bubal aka Idris Phillips, and songwriter David Wharnsby aka Dawud Wharnsby Ali who he was working with told him that they thought they had become better people after they converted.

“An Imam was summoned from the mosque and Michael went through the shahada, which is the Muslim declaration of belief.” Mikaeel is the name of one of Allah’s angels.

“Jacko rejected an alternative name, Mustafa — meaning “the chosen one”.

Brit singer Yousef Islam, 60 — who was called Cat Stevens until he famously converted — turned up to help Jacko celebrate.

Is Islam the new Scientology for pop stars?  Good question, but we  here at Douchebag Report have our own theory about what attracted Jacko to the faith.

Kanye West Pushes The Douchebag Envelope

Rapper-producers don’t usually have to try very hard to be a douchebag.  It just comes naturally to them.  Kanye West has, apparently, decided to see how far into douchebaggery he can go if he really puts some effort behind it.

“I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice,” he said in an interview on Wednesday. “It’s me settling into that position of just really accepting that it’s one thing to say you want to do it and it’s another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan.”

It’s unclear what the exact criteria which is necessary to be “the voice of this generation”, but we’re sure in West’s mind, it’s mostly concerned with who is the most Kanye West person in the world.  And who releases the most albums.

“There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin went on vacation I made albums,” he said. “And it just came out to be that.”

Apparently concerned that he hadn’t alienated as many people as possible, West decided to continue talking.

“I’m just going through balancing that. And I always used to have that support system, you know. My mom would be there; no matter what, she was there before everything,” he said. “We were together for like 30 years. And you know now when I’m on that stage and I look out and I say, ‘What am I going to do with the rest of my life?’ Like when does a real life start?’ Because I have sacrificed real life to be a celebrity and to give this art to people, which is great. It is great that I was able to do that, I’m not trying to shun that in any way, but it’s definitely a Catch-22 and it’s bittersweet.”

STOP TALKING! JUST STOP TALKING!

New Michael Moore “Documentary” Attacks The Economy

Über-douchebag Michael Moore is making a new movie about the state of the global economy and America’s slipping role at the top of it.

The untitled movie will contain an end-of-the-empire tone, say those familiar with the project, and Moore no doubt hopes that this will give it a more general feel that will untether it from a specific political moment.

Moore fights an uphill battle, as the economy is changing too fast for a documentary to be relevant when it is released.

In the meantime, a focus on the collapsing markets brings its own risk, Minassian said. “The problem with the financial crisis is that it’s changing so quickly. I’m not sure how relevant is going to be in six months, and I’m not sure if people want to hear it; my sense is they already have a pretty good idea of a lot of the people who are to blame for it.”

The last election also presents a stumbling block, as it’s hard for Moore to attack the country and way it is run when all of his fans just put “Mr. Change” Barak Obama into office.

But some political and entertainment experts wonder how much Moore’s incredulousness and occasional pessimism about the state of U.S. policy, which served the filmmaker well during the George W. Bush years, will play in the current hopeful climate brought on President-elect Barack Obama.

Of course, if Michael Moore is attacking the economy, then we can take comfort in the fact that its foundation is sound and it’s all going to be fine soon.

Tim Robbins Doesn’t Know How To Vote

Actor, ultra-liberal activist and all-around douchebag Tim Robbins had a hard time voting on Election Day, as he went to the wrong polling location.

According to a letter from the board to the actor, Robbins should have voted at Andrew Heskell Library, located at 40 West 20th Street. Instead, Robbins and his partner, Susan Sarandon, went to the McBurney YMCA, located at 125 West 14th Street.

The letter explained, in the clearest terms possible, that Robbins was being a douchebag.

”[It] would appear, based upon a review of your voter registration history, that your voting experience was less than positive because you simply went to the wrong poll site,” a letter from Gregory Soumas of the Board of Elections wrote in the letter.

Robbins, however, disagrees that he could have possibly been in error.

“I voted at my regular polling place on 14th Street in November of 2004 and 2006 and have witnesses to that,” Robbins told Access. “I have a copy of my voter registration which clearly shows my home address. A poll worker checked and my name was there on the rolls for the primaries this year. Something doesn’t jive with the actions of the Board of Elections. For no good reason, they chose to take this active voter off the voting rolls.”

That’s right, the Board of Elections was conspiring to stop Tim Robbins from voting.  Fortunately for America, Robbins was able to bring his wealth and power to bear.

“I had to get a court order from a state Supreme Court judge on Election Day to be able to cast my ballot,” he told Access.

In true Hollywood style, it’s likely that this story will have a sequel.

“This is further outrage that the Board of Elections has today sent my voter records with my address and personal information to hundreds of news sources when they could have cleared this up,” he said. “It’s an invasion of privacy and further insult. I will be seeking legal advice and may take legal action.”

Obama Scores Hollywood Has-Been Vote

 

The October non-surprise is that self-important, attention-starved Hollywood has-beens are turning out in record numbers in support of Obama. In a seemingly desperate attempt to resurrect their ailing careers, douchebags Ron Howard, Andy Griffith, and Henry Winkler are featured in a video posted on the ironically named FunnyOrDie.com website. Considering the name of the website, and the content of the video, I think we have three key additions to the Celebrity Death Pool. Alas, I’ll let you be the judge:

 

 

In a video posted Thursday on Funnyordie.com, the actor-turned-director reprises his role on “The Andy Griffith Show” as a way to rally support for Barack Obama.

While speaking into the camera, Howard has his beard shaved, dons a youthful red wig and puts on the kind of outfit he would have only worn as Opie Taylor in the `60s.

“I’ve never done this before and I hope never to do it again, but I guess you could say I’m feeling pretty desperate these days,” explains Howard. “So as a demonstration of my sincerity, this is for you America.”

Then, in black-and-white, Howard sits down in the woods to talk to “Pa”: Andy Griffith. Griffith advises Howard-as-Opie that he’ll be able to vote someday, so long as he eludes the butterfly ballot.

That’s not the only old TV show revisited by Howard, who years ago traded child stardom for directing movies like “A Beautiful Mind” and this fall’s “Frost/Nixon.”

Another wardrobe change prepares him to step back into “Happy Days,” the beloved show that ran from 1974-1984 in which Howard played Richie Cunningham.

Standing in front of a vintage car and clad in a leather jacket is Henry Winkler, once again with the unmistakable coif _ and greaser demeanor _ of the Fonze. Winkler, still having some trouble with his pronunciation, tells Howard this election is everyone’s chance to right a wr-wr-wrong.

Stepping back out of character, Howard says he, Griffith and Winkler returned to their television roots to urge support for Obama and “really think through this important election.”

Ack! What the hell is that crap? Regardless of content, Ron Howard looks like a child molester.

Pam Anderson to Palin: Suck It!

Hollywood harlot Pamela Anderson, perhaps best known for her “work” in the infamous Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex video, has opened her mouth once again… only this time, it wasn’t for sex. Rather, she decided to spit out a few choice words against VP hopeful Sarah Palin:

Anderson, 41, was recently in Toronto speaking out against the abuse of animals in Hollywood.

When asked by E! News Weekend Canada about Palin, she has some choice words for the Republican hopeful.

The reporter asked Pam if she saw a recent Newsweek article, which showed a gigantic bear hide in the office of Palin’s house.

“I can’t stand her,” Pam blurted out. “She can suck it!”

Here’s the video:

Holier Than Thou

It seems only appropriate that the wife of televangelist Joel Osteen would have a ‘holier than thou’ attitude. However, testimony delivered by a Continental Airlines flight attendant portrays Victoria Osteen as a mega-bitch (perhaps to Leona Helmsley proportions):

Continental Airlines flight attendant Sharon Brown alleges Victoria Osteen threw her against a bathroom door and elbowed her in the left breast during an angry outburst over some spilled liquid on her first-class seat. Brown claims Victoria Osteen became so upset she tried to get into the cockpit and had to be physically restrained.

Brown’s co-worker, Maria Johnson, confirmed that in her testimony Thursday.

“She took Sharon by the shoulders and pushed her out of the way. Sharon stumbled,” Johnson said.

Hey Joel, tell your wife that patience is a virtue.

Susan Sarandumb

Hollywood actress, activist Susan Sarandon just made the boldest, brashest, and most daring statement of her career, vowing to move to Italy or Canada if John McCain is elected President in the upcoming November 2008 election. Yawn. Shame on you Susan for thinking that anyone actually gives a crap. Who are you, anyway? This announcement was made within the confines of the United States, where you have comfortably lived throughout the entire Bush administration. I guess this makes you a bit of a hypocrite, doesn’t it.

Here’s an excerpt from this New York Times article:

[I]f John McCain gets elected, she will move to Italy or Canada. She adds, “It’s a critical time, but I have faith in the American people.”

OK, American people. You don’t want Susan to move out of the country, so it’s up to you to elect Barack Obama. What? You thought Susan of all people would be for Hillary Clinton? Well, no. She told John Hiscock: “I thought the whole point of feminism is that you’re not supposed to be defined by gender. I don’t understand the reasoning behind that, because I wouldn’t vote for Condoleezza Rice, and I hated Margaret Thatcher.”

How very patriotic of you to claim to have “faith in the American people,” but unpatriotically suggest that you’ll jump borders when your leftist agenda is not served in a popular election. May we suggest that you put Cuba on your short list as well? According to Michael Moore, they have unparalleled medical services. You’ll undoubtedly need affordable elder-care as you hobble towards the washed-up Hollywood hag phase of your life.

Arrividerci, bitch!

Sharon Stoned

Sharon Stone, actress best known for slutting-up the early 90’s flick Basic Instinct has made another “off the wall” comment that has gained global attention. In her most recent attempt to prove that Hollywood is truly out of touch with reality, she claimed that the horrific earthquake in China may have been caused by “karma,” referencing China’s treatment of Tibet.

Today, we’ve learned that the 50-year-old celibritramp has apologized, offering to help with relief efforts. She also offered up this apology:

“My erroneous words and deeds angered and saddened the Chinese people, and I sincerely apologise for this,” she said in a statement issued by Dior China and sent to AFP on Thursday.

Sincerely apologize? No doubt. This has to be in response to the global “stoning” that followed her remark. For starters, Christian Dior dropped her from all Chinese ads and marketing campaigns that contain her likeness. In addition, many stateside theaters are also beginning to boycott her films. Needless to say, many more people — several hundred thousand in fact are angered, saying they would “never forgive” Stone for her remarks. Now THAT’S karma!

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