Dems to Bieber: Save Our Asses

It’s no surprise to anyone that the Democrats are desperate – looking for any angle to get a leg-up in the November elections. This is partly why I was not surprised to learn that the Dems are leveraging the Internet popularity of none other than Justin friggin’ Bieber.

Where is the logic here? First of all, Bieber is 16 years old (so, that means he can’t vote). Second of all, Bieber is Canadian (again, can’t vote). Oh wait, I know… let’s make that our really lame, convoluted message:

“This isn’t your standard election year video of celebrities asking you to vote. . . It’s us asking you to vote for celebrities who can’t, celebrities like Justin Bieber. . . So tell your parents, your grandparents, your Facebook friends . . . of they won’t do it for you, ask them to do it for Bieber.”

WTF. Really? Well, here’s the video anyway:

OK Republicans, it’s time for a counter-strategy:  From what I recall, Gary Coleman was something of an Internet icon as well. And, due to his untimely passing this May, he will be unable to vote in the midterms. So… get the word out – Do it for Gary Coleman!

Kanye West: Still Pushing The Douchebag Envelope

It must be tough being Kanye West.  Imagine waking up every morning and having to find a way to let everyone know that you are a bigger douchebag than you were the day before.

Fortunately, he has a genius for this kind of thing.  Compare how West tops the last time he made the Douchebag Report with his latest antic.

Last time, he was speaking in an interview, a forum where at least someone (the interviewer) gave a damn about what Kanye had to say.

This time, however, the rapper-producer decided to unleash his opinions on an audience who was listening to what someone else, Taylor Swift, was already in the middle of saying.  She was in the middle of accepting an MTV VMA award when this happened:

This event puts the Douchebag Report in the odd situation of agreeing with Dane Cook, who tweeted “Kanye did something incredible tonight. He made me like country music. Kanye is now a Kanyunt.”

Likewise, it puts us in the odd situation of drawing attention to a television network which doesn’t show music videos, but still seems entitled to give out awards for them.  Normally, this would, at best, entitle them to their own Douchebag Report.  Hell, inviting Kanye should entitle one to one of our worst floggings, but once Kanye opened his mouth, we entered a new order of douchebag magnitude.

For this, we have to take our hat off to the man.  Of course, then we’d like to take his head off with it, Odd Job-style.

Ryan Jenkins Finds Another Way To Get On Television; Kills Wife

Everyone, most especially the studios who create the shows, know that reality TV show contestants are douchebags, going back to The Real World’s Puck and Survivor’s tax-evading Richard Hatch. Given this, it was only a matter of time before a reality TV show (or two) would attract a douchebag among douchebags.

Meet Ryan Jenkins, 32, a Canadian real estate developer who was a contestant in not one, but two VH1 reality shows, Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3. After apparently winning Megan Wants a Millionaire, Jenkins went to Las Vegas, where he met Playboy model Jasmine Fiore and married her two days later.

Now she’s dead, with her body found stuffed inside a suitcase found in Buena Park, California dumpster and and he’s on the lam, somewhere in Canada.

Jenkins was suspected of having headed to Point Roberts, Wash., a small community located at the southern end of a peninsula that is accessible by land only through Canada.
“Deputies received a report from a citizen that she had observed a boat being driven into the marina by a male matching Mr. Jenkins’s description, and the male was acting suspiciously,” says Sergeant Mead. “A short time later, deputies located that boat abandoned in the marina, and an intense manhunt ensued utilizing customs and a border protection helicopter … and assistance from the U.S. Marshal.
“The search failed to locate Mr. Jenkins, and it is believed that he was able to successfully cross the border into Canada on-foot. Canadian authorities were advised and they assisted us from their side, but were also unsuccessful in locating him.”

Anyway, the real suckers in this deal are VH1, who’ve announced that they’re postponing the airing of both shows indefinitely.  Not that they don’t deserve it.  A network that lives by douchebags dies by douchebags.

The Most Offensive Thing, Barr-None

Hollywood’s hateful cow bitch Roseanne Barr has demonstrated to the world once again exactly how low and classless she really is (as if this comes as a surprise to anyone).

The failed wife, radio host, and well, all-around failure sank to a new low, proving that fat doesn’t float in Hollywood:

Her most-recent tailspin into the gutter involved a photo shoot with Heeb magazine wherein she is seen wearing an Adolf Hitler moustache and swatsika as she takes burnt gingerbread “Jew Cookies” out of an oven [photo above].

In another, in same costume, she is shown about to take a bite out of one of these burnt cookie cookies [click here for pictures].

The photos featured in the magazine accompany the following article:

As the “Domestic Goddess” dons the famous moustache, transforming into “Domestic Goddess Hitler,” I notice that she’s beginning to have fun. She nails the Fuehrer’s facial expressions with twisted glee, and as she takes the burnt gingerbread “Jew Cookies” out of the oven it occurs to me that Barr may be the last celebrity utterly incapable of giving a f**k—a quality theoretically easy to embody until it’s time to face the practical repercussions. “Franklin Ajae, Paul Mooney, Mort Sahl and Dick Gregory’s passings will tear my kishkas out,” Barr laments. “They gave everything they had to just tell the truth, and they couldn’t make a decent living because of the choice they made—not selling out to Hollywood.”

The Douchebag Report would like to remind Ms. Barr that her 15 billion calories of fame have long since ended, and that her insensitivites have no place in our society. Oh yeah, and she’s a big, fat poopy-pants bitch too.

ABC: Another Bullshit Channel

Just when you though it was safe to surf the lower-numbered channels held tightly by the mainstream media, ABC launches a full-on assault against decency, humanity, parental responsibility and American values. NewsBusters reports:

“How do you tell your kids that mommy is now a daddy? Or that a daddy is now a mommy?” Leave it to ABC to raise these questions on “Good Morning America.” A July 21 segment previewed “Primetime Family Secrets” airing later that night about a transgender woman and the effects of the decision on his family.

Correspondent Juju Chang documented the Prince family for one year. In 2008 Ted Prince became “Chloe” through a sex change and his wife, Rene, stayed with him. The couple has two sons: Logan is 7 1/2 and Barry is 6. Since the family stayed together, the purpose of Chang’s report was to examine all the adjustments that had to be made.

Chang addressed the affects the sex change might have on the children. “Now, developmental psychologists will tell you that if you have honest, open, frank and age-appropriate conversations, the boys will be just fine. Now, Rene, their mom, tells us they are doing great socially. Both Chloe and Rene have been remarkably honest about the enormous strains on their marriage. Parenting roles, spousal roles, intimacy have all been called into question. For now, they’re sticking it out, staying together because as Rene says, what happened to Chloe shouldn’t destroy our family.”

Three words: Sick. Sick. Sick.

Michael Moron Watch

 

It appears that our favorite douchebag documentarian Michael Moore is at it again, this time asking Wall Street insiders among others to share “the real deal” for an upcoming movie on the current financial crisis. 

 

In a letter posted on his website, Michael Moore writes:

I am in the middle of shooting my next movie and I am looking for a few brave people who work on Wall Street or in the financial industry to come forward and share with me what they know. Based on those who have already contacted me, I believe there are a number of you who know “the real deal” about the abuses that have been happening. You have information that the American people need to hear. I am humbly asking you for a moment of courage, to be a hero and help me expose the biggest swindle in American history.

Michelle Malkin puts it best:

I think it’s fairly safe to assume he won’t be grilling Barney Frank, Maxine Waters, Franklin Raines, Chris Dodd, Bill Clinton, or ACORN over their roles in creating the mess we are in now.

Smut Peddlers Need A Hand; Job For Feds

Everyone else is doing it, so why can’t we?  This is the question being asked by Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis when they announced Wednesday that they’ll be asking for a $5 billion federal bailout for the porn industry.

“The take here is that everyone and their mother want to be bailed out from the banks to the big three,” said Owen Moogan, spokesman for Larry Flynt. “The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion. Is it the most serious thing in the world? Is it going to make the lives of Americans better if it happens? It is not for them to determine.”

Francis said in a statement that “the US government should actively support the adult industry’s survival and growth, just as it feels the need to support any other industry cherished by the American people.”

“We should be delivering [the request] by the end of today to our congressmen and [Secretary of the Treasury Henry] Paulson asking for this $5 billion dollar bailout,” he told CNN Wednesday.

But perhaps this is more of a political stunt than an actual plea for help…

Flynt and Francis concede the industry itself is in no financial danger — DVD sales have slipped over the past year, but Web traffic has continued to grow.

But the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. “People are too depressed to be sexually active,” Flynt said in the statement. “This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.”

“With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It’s time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly.”

Congress has not commented.  They’re probably a bit disappointed to find that pornography and not power is the nation’s aphrodisiac.

Gary Coleman Pleads No Contest To Charge

Gary Coleman, former child star and current occasional reality TV show star, plead no contest to a disorderly conduct charge on Tuesday.

The 40-year-old former star of “Diff’rent Strokes” was ordered to pay a $100 fine in a Payson court Tuesday. He also pleaded no contest to a reckless driving charge, which will be waived if he doesn’t have any other violations within a year.

According to court documents, Coleman, his wife and his bodyguard were going bowling in Payson, about 60 miles south of Salt Lake City, when Colt Rushton took a few photos of Coleman with his cell phone camera and took a few more of Coleman’s truck in the parking lot. Rushton’s lawyer says Coleman’s wife took Rushton’s cell phone, a scuffle ensued and then Coleman ran into Rushton with his truck as he was backing out of the parking lot.

For a man who’s so ill-tempered about people taking his picture, Coleman does seem to have put a lot of effort into looking like a rodeo clown.

‘Mikaeel’ Jackson: Muslim Popstar

No, we’re serious.  According to The Sun, Michael Jackson, weirdo douchebag extraordinaire, has converted to Islam and changed his name to Mikaeel.

MICHAEL JACKSON has become a Muslim — and changed his name to MIKAEEL.

The skint superstar, 50, donned Islamic garb to pledge allegiance to the Koran in a ceremony at a pal’s mansion in Los Angeles, The Sun can reveal.

Jackson was raised a Jehovah’s Witness but was apparently convinced to convert to Islam when the producer Phillip Bubal aka Idris Phillips, and songwriter David Wharnsby aka Dawud Wharnsby Ali who he was working with told him that they thought they had become better people after they converted.

“An Imam was summoned from the mosque and Michael went through the shahada, which is the Muslim declaration of belief.” Mikaeel is the name of one of Allah’s angels.

“Jacko rejected an alternative name, Mustafa — meaning “the chosen one”.

Brit singer Yousef Islam, 60 — who was called Cat Stevens until he famously converted — turned up to help Jacko celebrate.

Is Islam the new Scientology for pop stars?  Good question, but we  here at Douchebag Report have our own theory about what attracted Jacko to the faith.

Kanye West Pushes The Douchebag Envelope

Rapper-producers don’t usually have to try very hard to be a douchebag.  It just comes naturally to them.  Kanye West has, apparently, decided to see how far into douchebaggery he can go if he really puts some effort behind it.

“I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice,” he said in an interview on Wednesday. “It’s me settling into that position of just really accepting that it’s one thing to say you want to do it and it’s another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan.”

It’s unclear what the exact criteria which is necessary to be “the voice of this generation”, but we’re sure in West’s mind, it’s mostly concerned with who is the most Kanye West person in the world.  And who releases the most albums.

“There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin went on vacation I made albums,” he said. “And it just came out to be that.”

Apparently concerned that he hadn’t alienated as many people as possible, West decided to continue talking.

“I’m just going through balancing that. And I always used to have that support system, you know. My mom would be there; no matter what, she was there before everything,” he said. “We were together for like 30 years. And you know now when I’m on that stage and I look out and I say, ‘What am I going to do with the rest of my life?’ Like when does a real life start?’ Because I have sacrificed real life to be a celebrity and to give this art to people, which is great. It is great that I was able to do that, I’m not trying to shun that in any way, but it’s definitely a Catch-22 and it’s bittersweet.”

STOP TALKING! JUST STOP TALKING!

Read up on Kanye at the MTV Video Music Awards here.

Next Page »