Chevrolet Finds New Way To Fail

As the scene of America’s greatest loss against its Japanese competition, one might assume that Hawaii might take a live-and-let-live attitude towards our Asian competitors.

Not for one Hawaiian Chevrolet dealership.

Island Chevrolet general sales manager James Severtson arranged for a Chevrolet Suburban SUV outfitted with massive tires costing $5,000 apiece to drive over a Honda Accord.

Well, that sounds like just the gimmick that will draw in…people who already drive Chevrolets.

Unfortunately, the exercise became yet another metaphor of the Big Three on life support…

On the first attempt Friday, the monster truck blew a hydraulic hose and leaked vital fluid while the Honda remained intact and ready for more.

For most companies, having a highly orchestrated theatrical defeat of your competition blow up in your face might prove too much of an embarrassment to go on.  Not for Island Chevrolet, though.  In an attempt to become a metaphor for the Detroit bailout, they redoubled their efforts.

After several hours, the truck was repaired and driver Ryan Kepiki tried again, this time with a Hyundai Excel sedan parked next to the Honda.

Kepiki drove over the cars’ hoods, destroying the windshields to the seeming delight of the rush-hour crowd.

Severtson said the dealership had been planning the crush-fest for a while. But he said it was a happy coincidence President Bush approved a bailout for U.S. automakers as the weekend arrived.

“We’d like to send the message that the best way to support your country is to buy an American vehicle today,” Severtson said.

Unfortunately, Chevrolet’s practice of building cars in Canada and Mexico, when companies like BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Toyota, Nissan and Honda are building cars within US borders makes the message a little confusing.

Nassau PTA Takes Hands-On Approach To Middle School Sex-Ed

Police arrested Joan Tuckruskye, a 44 year old mother and PTA Vice President, after finding her in the backseat of her SUV with a 13 year old boy.

The parked, running 2008 Nissan Pathfinder behind Meadow Elementary School in Baldwin seemed suspicious to officers Friday night, said Det. Lt. Kevin Smith.
“They tapped on a rear window,” Smith said of the two First Precinct officers. The windows were fogged, he said, but the officers could make out two figures inside.
“They noticed both of the individuals were not clothed from the waist down,” Smith said.
The officers asked for identification, and the boy said he was 18. Smith said police were skeptical about the age of the boy, who later said he was 15. Later that evening, during an examination at Nassau University Medical Center, it was determined that the boy, whom police would not name, is 13, Smith said.

Tuckruskye’s husband seemed to be a little irritated about the new attention his family was receiving.

Nicholas Vrettos: Douchebag Firefighter

When budget cuts meant that his station would close overnight, Nicholas Vrettos leapt into action.  Unfortunately, that action was calling in false claims that there was a fire in a nearby school cafeteria.

Fire officials said that on Dec. 4, about 11:30 a.m., a fire was reported — but not found — in the cafeteria of Public School 175 on City Island Avenue. The 911 call followed an announcement by Fire Commissioner Nicholas Scoppetta that Ladder Company 53 on City Island, where Firefighter Vrettos worked, was one of four firehouses that would be partly closed at night, fire officials said.

The Department of Investigation, which was notified by the Fire Department that a firefighter was implicated in the false alarms, traced the 911 call to a City Island auto body shop that Firefighter Vrettos operates.

Apparently, this is not the correct action to voice a grievance against FDNY policy.

“Calling in a false alarm to 911 is not the way to protest a budget cut that prompted a partial closure,” Rose Gill Hearn, commissioner of the Department of Investigation, said in a statement released on Thursday. “The timing of the calls suggests a deliberate attempt to tax the Fire Department’s ability to respond.”

The timing of the calls was suspicious.

Nicholas Vrettos, 30, a six-year veteran of Ladder 53, made about a dozen false reports of fires on City Island, sources said.

All came within a 45-minute span on Dec. 4, the day FDNY Commissioner Nicholas Scoppetta announced $9 million in cutbacks.

One is forced to wonder why making false alarms would do much to support Vrettos’s efforts to keep his station open…and why he would make the calls from a location which could be traced back to him.

Vrettos earns $85,000 a year, which he’s going to need, considering that his union won’t provide a lawyer for him.

A firefighters’ union spokesman said that because Firefighter Vrettos was not on duty at the time of the call, he would not be represented by a union lawyer.

Of course, Vrettos is, in a way, rather selfless.  For being a douchebag, this firefighter will be fired and help the FDNY deal with its budget woes.

Trooper Michael Galluccio: Douchebag Cop

We are not sure what the typical policy for police departments is for dealing with a woman in labor, but one might expect something along the lines of “escort patient’s vehicle to hospital with lights and sirens” or something similarly useful.

Apparently not for the Massachusetts State Police and certainly not for Trooper Michael Galluccio.  In Galluccio’s case, you just have to be a real douchebag.

Jennifer Davis was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Nov. 18, her contractions just 3 minutes apart. Her husband, John, was trying to appear calm for his wife’s sake, driving in the breakdown lane of Route 2. They pulled up behind a state trooper to ask whether they could continue using the lane to reach the next exit, near Alewife Station.

Not only did the trooper say no, he gave them a $100 citation for driving in the breakdown lane, made them wait for their citation while he finished writing someone else’s ticket, and even seemed to ask for proof of pregnancy, Jennifer Davis said.

“He said, ‘What’s under your jacket?’ I said, ‘My belly,’ ” Davis said. “He waited and gestured with his head like, ‘OK, let’s see it.’ He waited for me to unzip my jacket. I mean, it was so clear that I was pregnant.”

To be fair to the MA State Police, they’re not all douchebags.  Some were actually helpful to the Davises.

But the roads were so clogged that John Davis began using the breakdown lane. Davis - whose driving record has six speeding violations over the past 20 years, according to the state Registry of Motor Vehicles - said he tried to get troopers’ permission to use the emergency lanes when they encountered them along their journey.

On Route 3, he pulled over and told a trooper that his wife was in labor. The trooper said they could use the breakdown lane only when traffic was backed up and only while using their hazard lights. On Route 128, they got stopped by a second trooper who allowed them to continue in the breakdown lane after noticing the infant car seat in the back of their Honda Accord and the mother’s condition.

“I know people fabricate stories all the time,” Jennifer Davis said, “but it was pretty clear that I was in labor.”

Trooper Michael Galluccio, keep up the good work, douchebag.

Florida Douchebag Throws Christmas Tree At Father

We’re not sure what is wrong with Florida this holiday season, but yesterday we had Christopher Ford, the Sweet Potato Douchebag…and today we learn of Thomas Edward Lackie, the Christmas Tree Douchebag, who assaulted his father with a Christmas tree.

According to the Manatee County sheriff’s report, 37-year-old Thomas Edward Lackie was arrested last week after he threw a 3-foot Christmas tree at his father.

The tree missed, but Lackie then tried to use the steel base from the tree to strike his father.
His father and mother were able to grab Lackie’s arms to prevent the attack. Deputies say the tree could have caused serious injuries because the metal base weighs about five pounds.

Lackie was charged with felony assault. He denied trying to strike his father.

We’re guessing that the Lackie household will be missing some of that Christmas spirit this year.

Christopher Ford: Sweet Potato Douchebag

When most people endure a Thanksgiving dinner that’s not up to their liking, they suck it up.

Not Christopher Ford, 46 of Indiantown, Florida.

On Thanksgiving, Christopher Ford, 46, went to his home on the 8400 block of Southeast Fern Street. When he got home he asked for something to eat, according to the report.
But Ford was upset with the meal his girlfriend fixed for him and they got into an argument in the kitchen. While arguing, Ford picked up the sweet potato pie his girlfriend had recently removed from the oven and slammed it into her face, according to the report.
Ford ran outside the rear door of the residence when the woman’s three teenagers went into the kitchen to see what the ruckus was and saw their mom with pie on her face, according to the report.

So that’s nice.

After deputies arrived, the victim was transported to Martin Memorial Hospital South to treat the burns and blisters on her neck from the hot pie, according to the report.
Later that night deputies found and arrested Ford. He was charged with domestic battery and was released on a $5,000 on Friday, said Rhonda Irons, the Martin County Sheriff’s Office spokesperson.

And that’s why Christopher Ford is a douchebag.

Soldier Takes Four Years To Read Job Description; Deserts to Germany

Andre Shepard was shocked to learn that the Apache helicopter gunships he was working as a mechanic on were being used to kill people. So he has deserted to Germany and is seeking asylum there.

Andre Shepherd, 31, who served in Iraq between September 2004 and February 2005 as an Apache helicopter mechanic in the 412th Aviation Support Battalion, has been living in Germany since deserting last year.

“When I read and heard about people being ripped to shreds from machine guns or being blown to bits by the Hellfire missiles I began to feel ashamed about what I was doing,” Shepherd told a Frankfurt news conference Thursday.

“I could not in good conscience continue to serve.”

Shepherd, originally from Cleveland, Ohio and ranked as an army specialist, applied for asylum in Germany Wednesday, said Tim Huber from the Military Counseling Network, a non-military group which is assisting him.

Does the Army give ASVAB waivers to helicopter mechanics these days or is this douchebag just playing dumb?

Toy Story

 

Two men, Alejandro Moreno, 39 and Juan Meza, 28 were found dead within a Palm Desert, CA, Toys “R” Us store, after a fight had escalated to fatal proportions. According to witnesses, both men were seen with women who had apparently gotten into a fight moments before the gunfight began:

There was no official word of any relationship between the victims or exactly what caused the shooting to erupt, but authorities said there may have already been bad blood between the two couples.

Joan Barrick of Desert Hot Springs said she was about 6 feet away from the shooting when it occurred.

She said she was standing at the end of a long checkout line when she heard two young Latinas shouting at each other.

One was described as a bleached blonde, Barrick said. Televised video showed a woman with blonde hair being placed into a squad car while shouting at someone that she was going to kill the person.

“The blonde lady came over and started pummeling the other Hispanic lady,” Barrick told City News Service.

“That’s when the guy took out the weapon,” she said.

According to the witness, the man accompanying the blonde — Meza - was the first to pull a gun, and then the man with the other woman — Moreno — pulled out a gun as well.
The two men opened fire in an area between the checkout line and the electronics section of the store, she said.

Black Friday Shootings:

Clean-Up On Aisle 2

 

The term “Black Friday” took on an entirely more sinister meaning to friends and relatives of Jdimytai Damour, a Wal-Mart employee who was trampled to death early Friday morning. 

 

As the 34-year-old unlocked the doors of the New York Wal-mart, signaling the opening of the store, a surge of impatient douchebag shoppers flooded the entrance, knocking Damour to the ground:

 

Police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the Wal-Mart doors before its 5 a.m. opening at a mall about 20 miles east of Manhattan. The impatient crowd knocked the employee, identified by police as Jdimytai Damour, to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.

“This crowd was out of control,” Fleming said. He described the scene as “utter chaos,” and said the store didn’t have enough security.

Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help Damour were also getting trampled by the crowd, Fleming said. Shoppers stepped over the man on the ground and streamed into the store.

Damour, 34, of Queens, was taken to a hospital, where he was pronounced dead around 6 a.m., police said. The exact cause of death has not been determined.

As if this weren’t enough, store officials were met with anger and resistance as they announced that the store would be closed resulting from the death:

 

Kimberly Cribbs, who witnessed the stampede, said shoppers were acting like “savages.”

“When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling ‘I’ve been on line since yesterday morning,’” she said. “They kept shopping.”

Authorities are now perusing security tapes in hopes of identifying those shoppers involved in the death. While the identification process may prove to be harder than anticipated, police believe that criminal charges may be filed. In this season of giving, lets hope that these ingrate douchebag shoppers are given the harsh sentences they deserve.

Nurse Sexually Assaults Comatose Patient

Douchebags can be found everywhere - even in nursing homes. We found one in particular, Mark S. Albright, at the Chesapeake Health and Rehabilitation Center in Chesapeake, VA (sorry, no photo available).

Mr. Albright, a licensed practical nurse, pleaded guilty to the sexual assault of a comatose 43-year-old patient. According to police reports:

“[Albright] was working at Chesapeake Health and Rehabilitation Center when a female employee entered the room of a 43-year-old patient the night of July 3. She saw Albright ‘with his mouth on’ the woman’s breast, according to a police affidavit filed in court.

The patient had been at the facility for about a year and was in a coma, police said. Albright no longer works there.”

The douchebag is scheduled for sentencing on March 24, 2009, and faces up to 20 years in prison.

(hat tip to reader k.c)

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