There Is A Treatment For Douchebaggery?

Spectacularly self-destructive Congressman Anthony Weiner announced that he is seeking treatment for his condition. Here at The Douchebag Report, we pride ourselves on knowing everything douchebag, but we were unaware that there was a treatment available to cure someone of being a douchebag, save death.

The best response to a douchebag is isolation, so they can’t do any more damage to the general public. Oddly enough, we find Nancy Pelosi in complete agreement with us on the matter.

“Congressman Weiner has the love of his family, the confidence of his constituents, and the recognition that he needs help. I urge Congressman Weiner to seek that help without the pressures of being a Member of Congress,” Pelosi said.

Naturally, when we discovered that we were in agreement with Nancy Pelosi, we felt the need to re-examine our position, but it appears that we are in a moment when the broken clock is correct.

Excuse me Mr. President…

…does this belong to you?

Excerpt from Yahoo News:

Police briefly evacuated part of the Capitol building Monday after a powdery substance was found in the visitors’ gallery overlooking the House chamber.

Capital Police spokeswoman Kimberly Schneider said the gallery and surrounding areas were cleared “out of an abundance of caution” while police investigated the substance. It was reopened less than an hour later. Schneider said the nature of the substance was unclear but it was determined not to be hazardous.

Reporters in the House press office overlooking the chamber were also asked to move to other areas of the building, which were not affected. Schneider said there were only a few House pages in the gallery when the substance was discovered.

You may remember this little nugget from Obama’s pre-campaign blitz:

The senator who hopes to become America’s first black president has admitted using cocaine.

Barack Obama, 45, is the main challenger to Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination, but an autobiography he wrote 11 years ago came back to haunt him yesterday.

In Dreams From My Father he admits using cocaine as a high school student but rejected heroin, the Washington Post reported yesterday.

‘Pot helped, and booze,’ he writes in the book. ‘Maybe a little blow when you could afford it.

…and Obama is headed into a week of heavy partying. I’m just sayin’…

Barney Frank Criticizes Filibuster, Does Geico Commercial

Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA), suggested that the Senate abandon the filibuster in a recent interview heard on Air America.

In the interview, Frank said “It’s time to shut it down . . . God didn’t create the filibuster, it’s part of the Senate rules.”

Interesting. What would Rep. Frank have said if Ted Kennedy’s old seat had actually been preserved by the Democrats? Hmmm…

Here’s the video courtesy Breitbart.tv:

Following this startling admission, Rep. Frank went on to tell Americans that they could afford ObamaCare by by saving 15% or more on their car insurance:

Obama Deploys Retired Schoolteacher To Thwart Pay Czar Wrath

BOSTON — Salary and general public approval at risk, President Barack Obama fought Sunday to save his executive compensation package. The $400,000 per annum deal, approved by Congress and then-President Bill Clinton in 1999, is now under the strict scrutiny of pay czar Kenneth Feinberg.

Ambitious Obama appointee Feinberg had months earlier stated that he had “broad and ’binding’ authority over executive compensation, including the ability to  ’claw back’ money already paid, and is weighing in on how and whether to use that power.” More recently, Feinberg has been subject to heavy criticism over his handling of “performance based” compensation reaching from Wall Street executives to mid-level banking managers.

This can be the only reason why retired schoolteacher from Charleston, MA, Rosemary Kverek, 70, rushed to Obama’s side with her rationalization of Presidential Compensation Math:

“People are upset because there’s so many problems . . .  But the problems came from the previous administration. So we’re blaming poor Obama, who’s working 36 hours a day … to solve these problems that he inherited.”

Now, here’s the math… Poor Obama indeed, and Feinberg can’t touch this pay logic (at least according to Rosemary Kverek). If you’ll suspend disbelief for bullet point #1, we’ll serve ya’ll some Obama supportin’ salary math-a-majigs:

1. The President works 36 hours per day.
2. The President makes $400,000 per year.
3. The President works 7 days per week.

At 36 hours per day, and 7 days a week, The President works 252 hours per week.

For the uninitiated, there are actually 168 hours in a standard week. [Source: Windows XP calculator; familiarity with clock, calendar]:

Under the new Presidential pay schedule, the Commander in Chief, will work a stressful 13,104 hours each year, and by formula, will receive an hourly wage ($30+/hr) comparable to that of a yoga instructor:

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

US Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) was at a political rally attended by President Barack Obama on Sunday in a political race to determine who will replace the late Ted Kennedy and become Massachusetts’ next Senator.

According to Kennedy, it’s a tight race between someone called Marcia Coakley and former President George W Bush.  Actually Kennedy knows that state Senator Scott Brown is running as the Republican, but it’s hard to tell by listening to him.

“If you think there’s magic out there and things can be turned around overnight, then you would vote for someone who could promise you that, like Scott Brown,” Kennedy said. “If you don’t, if you know that it takes eight years for George Bush and his cronies to put our country into this hole … then you know we have a lot of digging to do, but some work needs to be done and this president’s in the process of doing it and we need to get Marcia Coakley to help him to do that.”

Oddly enough, there is no Marcia Coakley on the Massachusetts ballot, only Attorney General Martha Coakley.  Hotline On Call reports that Patrick Kennedy repeatedly referred to Martha Coakley as “Marcia”.

(Curiously, Kennedy mentioned Coakley repeatedly during his remarks to reporters, each time referring to her as “Marcia,” not “Martha.”)

Misstatements like this are not uncommon among the Kennedy clan. so it’s unclear if Patrick couldn’t get the name of the candidate he was rallying for because he knew she was going to lose and wasn’t worth the effort, because he’s back on the sauce or because he’s just trying to imitate his old man.

Mindless Democrat Automatons Summoned To Steer Clear of Fox

Who is winning in the Obama vs. Fox fight? Well, Fox, obviously… and this has prompted the likes of MoveOn.org to summon all mindless rank-and-file Democrat robots to steer clear of said news organization. 

According to an email sent from MoveOn to its membership, “To draw attention to its biased coverage, President Obama will not appear on FOX for the rest of this year. . . It’s about time Democrats stood up to Fox! Can you sign this petition asking Democrats to support President Obama’s stance by staying off FOX as long as he does?”

Michelle Malkin posted a copy of the email message that MoveOn is sending to members:

Dear MoveOn member,

All year, FOX has worked 24/7 to block President Obama’s agenda—repeating lies about “death panels,” promoting Tea Party protests, and whipping up fake political scandals.1

Now, President Obama is fighting back. The White House communications director said FOX is a “wing of the Republican Party…let’s not pretend they’re a news network.”2 To draw attention to its biased coverage, President Obama will not appear on FOX for the rest of this year.3

It’s about time Democrats stood up to FOX! Can you sign this petition asking Democrats to support President Obama’s stance by staying off FOX as long as he does? We’ll deliver it to Sen. Lautenberg and Sen. Menendez. Clicking here will add your name:

http://civic.moveon.org/foxobama/o.pl?id=17603-12662345-_CGt.ax&t=3

The petition says: “Democrats should support President Obama’s effort to call out FOX. Please stay off FOX for as long as he does.”

Democrats often appear on FOX in hopes of reaching out to conservative viewers. But FOX cuts off their mic, distorts what they say, or runs biased headlines at the bottom of the screen.4 In the end, Democrats always lose on FOX.

FOX insists there’s a difference between its news shows and its right-wing opinion shows with Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and others.

But in August, FOX’s so-called news shows “aired 22 clips of town hall meeting attendees opposed” to Obama’s health care plans and zero in support. CNN and MSNBC were more fair and balanced.5

In another “news” story, FOX passed off a GOP press release as its own research—typo and all.6

FOX executives now describe the channel as “the voice of opposition” to Obama’s agenda. FOX president Roger Ailes—a former adviser to Nixon, Reagan, and George H.W. Bush—said, “I see this as the Alamo.”7

But a Capitol Hill newspaper reports, “In the House and Senate, Democrats who pledged to follow the administration’s near-boycott of Fox were hard to find, although many expressed support for Obama’s stance.”8

Democrats will only find the courage to join Obama if they hear from enough concerned voters. Sign this petition to ask Sen. Lautenberg and Sen. Menendez to stay off FOX. Clicking here will add your name:

http://civic.moveon.org/foxobama/o.pl?id=17603-12662345-_CGt.ax&t=4

Thanks for all you do.
–Noah, Nita, Michael, Kat, and the rest of the team

Douchebag In Decline

We all saw it coming, but did we see it coming this quickly? 50 percent of the country now disagrees with the Obama Administration on political issues. And guess what, kids? CNN agrees.

For the first time since he took over in the White House, Americans don’t see eye to eye with President Barack Obama on the important issues, according to a new national poll. But the CNN/Opinion Research Corporation survey does indicate that a majority approve of how Obama’s handling his duties as president.

According to the poll, which was released Tuesday, 48 percent of people questioned say that they agree with Obama on the issues that matter most to them, with 51 percent saying no. That’s a switch from April, when 57 percent said they agreed with the president on important issues, with 41 percent disagreeing.

While this may be considered great news, there is still one rather unsettling aspect: half of the country continues to agree with the song-and-dance put forth by this administration. Half of the country agrees with the bloated bailout packages. Half of the country agrees with socialization of health care. Half of the country refuses to acknowledge that Obama has not really accomplished much of anything. The reality is that this disapproval number should be much, much higher.

It’s no wonder that the administration continues a full-frontal assault on conservative television and radio news outlets. It’s not surprising that Obama is pushing hard for the Net Neutrality act, which will serve as a controlling mechanism for Internet based news sources. The administration wishes simply to keep the majority of Americans uninformed, and in the dark about so that we can gleefully skip towards socialism.

Pimps Up, ACORN Down

For those of you who have been sharing a cave with Charlie Gibson this past week, ACORN (Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now) got itself in a little bit of trouble giving financial advice to James O’Keefe, 25, and Hannah Giles, 20, who posed as a pimp and his ho in its Baltimore, Washington and Brooklyn offices.

Now it looks like these allegations, combined with investigations into ACORN voter registration fraud, have forced the US government to pull their funding for the organization.  The organization has received $53 million from the American taxpayer since 1994, but with Obama in the white House, their exploitation of the American people was only just beginning…until now.

This is an opportunity for the United States Senate to stand up and say ‘Enough is enough’ just as the Census Bureau did,” said Republican Senator Mike Johanns, the measure’s sponsor.

The bill includes $165 million for housing-counseling programs and $4 billion to help poor communities weather the worst recession since the 1930s.

ACORN said the Senate’s action was disappointing but would have little impact on its overall operations.

That’s right, ACORN loses out on $4 BILLION and says that it won’t effect its operations.

“The only real victims of today’s vote are the families who have benefited from ACORN’s important work,” ACORN chief Bertha Lewis said in a statement posted on the group’s website.

So take a moment to think about those poor underage girls who won’t be trafficked from Latin America to turn tricks in ACORN-assisted, taxpayer-funded brothels.

Caught On Tape: ACORN Enables Would-Be Prostitute

According to their website, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (or ACORN):

ACORN has been building community organizations that are committed to social and economic justice, won victories on thousands of issues of concern to our members, through direct action, negotiation, legislative advocacy and voter participation. ACORN helps those who have been historically locked out become powerful players in our democratic system.

In these shockingly real videos (also shown below), one observes just how committed ACORN is to social and economic justice, and how they enable those “locked out” become participants in our democratic system.

In these videos, you will see an undercover investigation in which ACORN advises a would-be “prostitute” on legitimizing a sex trafficking business, underage prostitution, tax evasion, money laundering, and pimp avoidance.

Lest you forget, ACORN is a TAXPAYER FUNDED organization, and President Barack Hussein Obama has deep-rooted ties to this dark criminal enterprise.

Keith Olbermann Goes All flag@whitehouse.gov On Glenn Beck

Keith Olbermann woke up Sunday morning, learned that Van Jones had resigned after conservatives exposed his Radical/Communist/Truther tendencies, and thought “What would Obama do?”

Thinking back about a month, Olbermann suddenly shrieked “Eureka!” (or “Mr Dictionary has failed us yet again!” or whatever) and wrote a column for Daily Kos, demanding readers send him all the dirt they have on Glenn Beck, Stu Burguiere and Roger Ailes.

Tuesday we will expand this to the television audience and have a dedicated email address to accept leads, tips, contacts, on Beck, his radio producer Burguiere, and the chief of his tv enablers, Ailes (even though Ailes’ power was desperately undercut when he failed to pull off his phony “truce” push).

A dedicated email address?  Apparently flag@whitehouse.gov is inactive, so perhaps Mr. Olbermann would like to reopen it under new management.

Perhaps because Olbermann wasn’t fully awake, or possibly because he wasn’t actually channeling the newly-mortal President, he didn’t use the term “fishy” in his plea-for-dirt.

Glenn Beck, meanwhile, is dancing on the grave of Van Jones’ political career.

Douchebag Report readers, check back to this article soon.  We’ll update it with whichever email address Olbermann settles on when it becomes available.  Then you’ll be able to send in all your great “tips”.

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