Hockey Night is in Canada, So Suck It, America

For the dozen or two of us who happen to be American and hockey fans, the most offensive drawback of living outside of the market of your home hockey team is having the games filtered through the NHL Network.  The biggest problem with the NHL Network is that they lack the official squad of schlub commentators like the NFL and MLB Networks, who send their own teams of inept boothmen to cover the games.

The NHL Network commissions the CBC to cover the games.  Hockey Night in Canada is the Canadian equivalent of Monday Night Football.  It’s their joint, so the coverage must be great, right?  Yeah, it’s decent, but the problem with this is that local means that the announcers have a Dirk Diggler size boner for all Canadian teams.

Being a Bruins fan living in sunny Florida, I can’t watch games on NESN.  It’s alright listening to the hacks on Sun Network or whatever it is down here, but they’re supposed to be local honks for the Tampa Bay Lightning.  Go Bolts, etc.  Believe it or not, the Lightning knows how to treat their fans.  Where else can you get a 2 ticket, 2 hot dog, 2 beer, 1 parking pass package for $45?  ‘Nuff said.

The Canadians that come to Lightning games are a different story altogether.  I was at a Lightning Capitals game last season (BTW free tickets courtesy of the Lightning for fan appreciation) and at the end of the tunnel exiting the rink there were about a dozen Canadians wearing Habs, Canucks, and Flamers uniforms taunting the Americans.  Unfortunately, this was the rare sober hockey game for me and I said nothing to these hosers.  I wouldn’t want to be a beer fueled Yank mouthing off to some British “football” hoolians.

John Candy must be spinning in his grave…with an apple in his mouth…slowly on low heat…on a crude rotisserie of sorts.  War on Canada?

As an American though, I have no right to complain about my hockey being broadcast in French in at least half the size of English.  We’ve abandoned the sport as a result of the NHL abandoning ESPN coverage in exchange for the glory that is Versus Network.  NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is an idiot, but that’s another story.

The NHL Network needs to get their shit straight because they’re alienating American hockey fans with their broadcast decisions.  Get the games back on a real network in something other than NBC Lo-Def.  Seriously, the national games look like they’re being played underwater.

Regardless, Don Cherry needs to be involved in every national game.  He is the true ambassador to hockey and should be more visible.  The ironic part of this plea is that many of Don Cherry’s suits can be seen from space.

At the risk of editorializing, fuck Tim Horton’s and fuck everybody who prefers their bacon round.

CB Antonio Cromartie Traded to Jets, NYC Planned Parenthood Now Hiring Extra Staff

The New York Jets have acquired big play Cornerback and philandering douchebag Antonio Cromartie from the San Diego Chargers in exchange for a third round pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.  The pick can be upgraded to the second round pending a successful season by Cromartie, who despite his supreme physical stature (6’2”, 203 lbs.), was run out of San Diego as a result of a perceived lack of effort and physical play.

Cromartie’s stats are up to snuff even if his toughness isn’t.  In his three seasons as a Chargers starter, Cromartie had amassed 15 interceptions, 141 tackles, 2 touchdowns, and a starting 2007 Pro Bowl selection.  His pairing with bar-none-best-in-the-league CB Darrelle Revis potentially transforms the already excellent Jets secondary into the most dangerous playmaking defensive backfield in the NFL.

Antonio Cromartie’s reported off-field statistics are quite impressive by douchebag standards: seven children, all under six years old, to six women, in five states, and an upcoming court date regarding approximately $25K in unpaid child support.

This trade to New York provides Cromartie with a valuable opportunity to create an substantial East Coast franchise and try to emulate such legendary seed slingers as Travis Henry (eleven kids by ten women), Shawn Kemp (at least seven kids by at least six women), and Jason Caffey (ten kids by eight women).  At a mere twenty-five years of age, Cromartie has a chance to shatter these vaunted marks.

Antonio Cromartie needs to lock it down out on the gridiron and wrap it up off of it.  Quarterbacks are going to stay away from Revis, potentially leading Cromartie being exposed if he loses focus.  He will turn out washed up, broke, and filling the mold of countless other pro athletes turned deadbeat dads.

There is a bright side for Cromartie; should he continue the recent trend of a slight decline in skill, he may even get a chance to expand his illegitimate family internationally by joining the hallowed Canadian Football League in a few years.

Tiger Woods is Contrite, Chooses Sex Camp Over Golf

The Tiger Woods press conference came and went, not living up to the ESPN’s “Tiger Speaks” hype machine.  Tiger strolled out promptly at 11am eastern wearing casual a light blue collared shirt and dark blue sport coat and read from a well conceived fifteen minute script.  There were no questions asked by the charmed few in attendance.  As expected, Tiger kept it tight, controlled, and concise.  There was no sign of Mrs. Woods.

Tiger Woods appeared contrite and sincere, stating to the masses that “Every one of you has good reason to be critical of me.”  He begged his fans to “Find it in your heart to believe in me again” for his “Irresponsible and selfish” behavior.

Of course Tiger apologized, but before whom but his family must he prostrate himself?

Elin is obviously and justifiably ripshit.  “My real apology to her will come,” Tiger said of his wife, “with my behavior over time.”  Elin ain’t Kobe Bryant’s wife, able to be bought off with a eight pound diamond ring.  Tiger needs to get his shit straight before Elin even allows him to breathe the same oxygen that she does.

Tiger would have been better off coming out wearing a crown, cape, and scepter, flanked by a hot white bitch on each arm, but that’s just me.  As he opens his mouth to tell the public to kiss his rich black ass, the world is introduced to his new platinum grill, a suitable replacement for the massive Chiclets that were knocked out by Elin in November.  Sadly, that’s not Tiger’s m.o.

Oh and the teeth?  “Elin never hit me that night or any other night,” Tiger stated, “there was no domestic violence.”  Apparently it was an incredible coincidence that Tiger’s teeth leapt out of his maxilla at the very moment Elin was supposed to have been 7-ironing him Norman Raider style about the head and neck.

Tiger will atone for his sins with “Forty-five days in in-patient therapy” in some Dr. Drew type sex addiction camp.  Don’t have sex all day every day?  Great advice, Dr. Dickhead.

The timing of this presser is questionable, in itself creating a new group seeking apologies – the PGA.   Golfweek quotes fellow PGA’er Ernie Els as saying “It’s selfish.  You can write that.  I feel sorry for the sponsor.  Mondays are a good day to make statements, not Friday.  This takes a lot away from the golf tournament.”

Tiger is likely using the weekend to lessen the blow from the jabberjaw meatheads on ridiculous TV panel shows like Around the Horn who would eat up a five minute chunk of time every day from Monday to Friday.  However, this puts Tiger into the teeth of moral authority finger-waggers like Lupica and Albom, who will echo Tiger’s vow to “Start living a life of integrity” while yammering on the inaccurately titled Sports Reporters show on Sunday morning.

The only thing that many golf fans care about is his return, which Tiger left ambiguous.  His only reference to that came near the end of the speech when he said, “I do plan to return to golf one day…don’t rule out a return this year.”

Until then, I will continue my lifelong habit of not watching golf, a wrong for which I shall never atone.

On the Turning of the Seasons from Winter to Late Winter

Football season is over.  A lackluster 2009 NFL Playoff season ended with an entertaining Super Bowl in which Drew Moleman defeated Thumbface Manning.  Sean Payton won the Big Brass Balls Award for calling that “Ambush” onside kick for which Jim Caldwell’s team had no response.  Manning made just one mistake and it was game over, man.

There’s no Pro Bowl to avoid this Sunday, the NHL is hitting their Olympic break, the NBA All Star Game is lame, and baseball doesn’t start up for another few months.  What’s a sports fan to do?

Hear me out as I explain to you that NASCAR is the solution.  Watching stock cars drive in circles for hundreds of miles is a fun way to kill some precious time and brain cells on a Sunday afternoon.

Like in my early NFL Playoff guides, I will attempt to explain the best way to enjoy a NASCAR race.  The degree of difficulty is higher in this endeavor, as most literate Americans don’t watch auto racing.  Here comes the big swing and a probable miss.

The 52^nd Daytona 500, Sunday 1:00 FOX

Any NASCAR race is best enjoyed among a selection of like-minded individuals, as watching a race alone as a noob can tend to be dull.  This class of people includes dudes who enjoy cheap beer, chaw, and fried foods.  Such race time practices are essential for creating a stock car state of mind.  The wearing of sleeves is tolerated but generally frowned upon.

The arc of NASCAR drinking should resemble that of a day of NFL drinking, as the 500 starts at 1pm this year.  NASCAR claims to have fixed the tiresome pre-race programming problem, so a 1pm start time shouldn’t mean that the green flag actually drops at 2:30.  The duration of the race will be at least four hours, depending on the number and severity of crashes and cautions. My go-to cheap beer for a race day is Miller High Life Light because it seems to go down a bit smoother than Busch or Keystone and the standard cheap beer hangover is virtually nonexistent.

Last month provided football fans with several opportunities to experiment with Crock Pot slow cookery, but as far as food goes, Daytona is for Buffalo wings and Buffalo wings only.  Fire up the deep fryer and give ‘em hell by the time lap 50 rolls by and the timing will be perfect.

Curly fries are good as a side dish, as the deep fryer is already heated up and you’re a lazy slob.  If you want to put a little more effort in and eat something more healthy/delicious, try a box of New Orleans style red beans & rice (Zatarian’s is the best) seasoned with plenty of crushed black pepper.  Blue cheese dressing and celery are optional but recommended.  Wash it all down with the aforementioned cheap beer and you’re in Redneck Heaven.

The most important piece of advice I can give to a prospective NASCAR fan is to create an allegiance with a particular driver by the halfway mark of their first race.  Not only does this keep you more engaged during the course of the race by giving you a “team” to root for, but it aids in trash talking among your present company.  Example: “Hey [name of Dale Jr. fan], Jr. is running in the top ten.  He’s got a lot of work in front of him if he wants to get into his comfort zone of 31^st position by the end of the race.”

The same type of shit talking works with Tony Stewart being fat, Mark Martin looking like someone left him in the microwave too long, Kasey Kahne  getting hounded by cougars for being disturbingly pretty, Carl Edwards’ horse face, and the ability of Jamie McMurray, Michael Waltrip, and Casey Mears (DNQ) to each find an opportunity to crash at least once in every race.

It is important to be patient with the 500.  Wait through the annoying little spin and debris cautions because the eventual catastrophic multicar wreck, AKA The Big One (NNS race), happens at every superspeedway race.  To be fair, it’s happened a bit less often the last few seasons, but NASCAR fixed that.

Keep these things in mind this Sunday and give the Daytona 500 a shot.  If you’re going to sit on the couch all day on Sunday and drink cheap beer anyway, then why not?  No other major sports are on, Buffalo wings are awesome, car crashes satisfy human bloodlust, and the race will be over before The Simpsons airs at 8.

What have you got to lose?  If those brain cells you might kill are weak enough to be done in by a mere 12 pack, then fuck ‘em anyway.

Super Bowl XLIV: The Expert Douchebag Guide

Super Bowl Sunday is one of those special days in the year where you are fully expected to fuck up someone else’s house at a Sunday night party and show up to work on Monday in a seriously bad way.  This is pro football’s incarnation of Amateur Night.  Like New Year’s Eve is with drinking, millions of people are interested in a football game between the Colts and Saints, teams that they are likely not to have seen play at any point this season.

It is likely that at least one third of the audience has not seen the Colts play since they stomped the Bears in Super Bowl XLI.  Realize that it’s not their fault and it doesn’t have to be anyone else’s problem as long as these people stay in their own lanes and don’t annoy the hard cores during the action.

Pregame Preparation

Those who watch little football but talk big football are easy to spot and should be avoided at all costs during the seat selection process.  Seek out fans of a similar disposition who are experienced enough to sit down and shut the fuck up during the game.  If you don’t know many people attending the party, casually bring up things like nickel packages, pulling Guards, and D-line stunts.  Gravitate toward people who understand these rudimentary concepts.

Stay away from the guy who looks at you like a confused cat at the mention of an A-gap blitz, but continues to talk lots of junk about how much football he knows.   This chode is likely to regale you with tales of the fantasy football glory of his oh-so-cleverly named team, AP’s Ass Pounders, the Frankfurt Fuckfaces, or whatever BS busts this chump up.

Winning his fantasy league apparently entitles this nerd to tell you everything he knows about the game.  Such idiotic gems of his may include but are not limited to: stopping Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne is the only way for the Saints to win, running the ball to set up the pass is necessary for either of these two teams to succeed offensively, and Saints Linebacker Jamie Sharper has to make another big interception for the Saints to win.

Now that you have separated yourself from the know-it-all dipshits, find a good seat.  Be careful not to choose one that could be considered especially desirable.  Just like at the stadium, some dude from the cheaper seats is ready to swoop in and take your spot.  An unobstructed view and acceptable cushioning are the only true essentials.

Also keep in mind that you will need ready access to the beer source.  Too far from the beer source leaves you at risk of annoying people with your fat moneymaker crossing the TV every half hour, but sitting too close to the well makes you the Beer Bitch.  Choose wisely, as your seating decisions will alter your perception of this, the biggest game of the year.

Eat This!

On the much debated subject of food, always bring some kind of appetizer or finger food along with your case of beer.  Don’t do anything too elaborate – just keep to your comfort zone.  Crock Pot cooking is generally well received.  Consult the Wild Card Guide for a few culinary suggestions.

I’m going with the super easy Seven Layer Mexican Party Dip this year.  Start with an ungreased disposable baking tin (8×8” works) and layer the following ingredients in from bottom to top: refried beans, chili, chunky salsa, sour cream, finely shredded Mexican cheese, and sliced jalapeños.  One normal-sized can/jar of each (less cheese and jalapeños) is plenty.  Pop this mess in the oven at 325 until the cheese fully melts.  Once the dip cools to a semi-volcanic temperature, enjoy it with a bag of durable tortilla chips and several beers.

Note: If you noticed that there are only six layers to the Seven Layer Dip, You can count, good for you. The seventh layer is love, baby. Love.

Super Bowl XLIV, Sunday 6:25 CBS

Indianapolis Colts (14-2) vs. New Orleans Saints (13-5)

Let’s not kid ourselves and overanalyze this game.  This is a matchup between the two best quarterbacks in the NFL and the game will play as such.  The QB’s run the two most explosive offenses in the league and will undoubtedly light up the scoreboard via their squadrons of fast and talented WR/TE personnel.

The Colts are favored heading into the game, but the Dwight Freeney ankle injury is a huge advantage for the Saints.  Drew Brees will be more comfortable in the pocket without that beast breathing down his next every time he drops back.  If Jeremy Shockey is anywhere close to 100%, he will thrive coming off a Freeney chip.

The other X-factor in this game is veteran Safety Darren Sharper, who is second only to Rod Woodson (12) in career interceptions returned for touchdowns with ten, is the active NFL interception leader with 63.  Sharper led the Saints with nine picks this season and is still among the most feared ball hawks in the league at age thirty-four.

Halftime Festivus and Beyond

If there are chicks at the party, they will inevitably be clamoring for Puppy Bowl or some gay shit at the half.  Calmly inform them that The Motherfuckin’ Who is about to rock your goddamned faces off!  It doesn’t matter that Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend are a combined 129 years old, they can still kind of rock.  Well, kinda.  Townshend might be a little sluggish with his trademark Windmills, but it’s still kind of cool.  Nah.  Screw it.  Turn on the dirty mutt show.

Man, do ever I miss the good ol’ Bud Bowl.  The only worthwhile halftime show since Janet Jackson’s nip-slip was Tom Petty, and that band is all old bastards now too.  Prince was cool, but the NFL needs to get a bit more current with their selection of halftime acts.

The Finale

Regardless of the score coming out of the half, the game will be far from finished.  That is, unless the trailing QB is injured and Mark Brunell or Curtis Painter faces a large deficit, the game is well within reach for either of these potent offenses.

Be in your seat and equipped with a full plate, fresh beer, and empty bladder a few minutes before the kick.  This prevents potential squabbles over your seat.  Firmly entrenched for the second half of the Super Bowl, enjoy the culmination of the NFL season.

Prediction?  The Saints open the game with a few quick scores and ride it out to win 35-31.  If you don’t trust me, trust Tecmo Bowl…

NASCAR Calls for More Wrecks, More Fights, Kickass Retro Spoilers

NASCAR will be implementing several key rules changes for the 2010 Sprint Cup season in an attempt to win back bored fans.  These rules changes include the decriminalization of bump drafting in turns, the allowance of more contact, and the eventual return of the classic rear spoiler.

Bump drafting is a necessary evil on superspeedways, as some contact is essential in both drafting and nudging cars out of the way for passing.  Bumping enhances the standard drafting technique by pushing the lead car forward while pulling the trail car, increasing the speed of both cars.

However, bump drafting through turns at speeds nearing 200 mph can break loose the back wheels of the lead car, occasionally resulting in a spin.  As closely as these new cars are packed on superspeedways as a result of the parity created by restrictor plates and a common body template, minor crashes can quickly turn catastrophic.

Fighting amongst drivers is a by-product of bump drafting and the crashes that ultimately result.  Although this isn’t the NHL or the WWE, fans do appreciate a couple of them good ol’ boys throwing hands in the pits.  After all, the 1979 Daytona 500 was a turning point for NASCAR thanks to a nationally televised infield brawl between Cale Yarborough and the Allison brothers as Richard Petty crossed the line for the win.

Last week NASCAR President Mike Helton (link to video, left) explained the leniency that should provide more exciting racing through driver self-policing, of course at the risk of more crashes and fights.  It will be nice to see drivers get a little rough without being black flagged or docked Chase points.  It is essential that NASCAR maintains this Rubbin’ is Racin’ mentality.

(full press conference transcript)

The lack of crashes and fights (read: ACTION) in ’09 led to a deep dip in television ratings, prompting these changes.  No one wants to watch stock cars drive in circles double-file for two hundred laps and occasionally stop to refuel.  Anyone who tells you that it’s not all about the wrecks and the last twenty laps is full of shit.

The safer, more balanced new cars had caused the NASCAR product to decline in quality to such a degree that hardcore racing fans as like myself found themselves turning off the TV midrace.  Instead of getting drunk and spitting tobacco juice in the living room, fans are inclined to drink heavily and chew Kodiak out in the yard.

To all honest fans, the catastrophic crashes discussed earlier are unabashedly the lifeblood of NASCAR races.  No one sprints from the fridge to the TV when Bob Jenkins announces a Ryan Newman pass for the lead on lap 55.  Conversely, if DW starts screaming and crying about his little brother’s car going airborne and fireballing into thefence, your ass is across the room and on the couch for all sixty slow-mo replays and brutal in-car shots.

In addition to the diminished racing product, one of the bigger gripes among NASCAR fans and drivers is that huge stupid fuckin’ rear wing that makes the races look like a bunch of Fast and Furious R/C cars whipping around the track.  Thankfully, NASCAR plans to bring back the traditional spoiler in the second month of this season.  The cars will once again remind us of David Pearson and Neil Bonnett instead of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.

NASCAR Sprint Cup heavyweights Tony Stewart, Brian Vickers, Kurt Busch, and Greg Biffle used the new aluminum spoiler during a Goodyear tire test last week at Texas Motor Speedway.  (full story)

Vickers described the car’s feel by saying “I thought [the spoiler] was good.  I thought it added a little bit of front downforce, which is a good thing.”

On the aesthetics, Vickers added “I think it’s going to be more accepted to the fans.  It looks cooler…a little more retro back to the older car.”

2004 Cup Champion Kurt Busch spoke on his run with the spoiler, “With the spoiler on, the car had a looser feel to it.  The car was turning better and it felt like the car was sliding a bit more…what we have to do ultimately is put together a better package for drivers to drive on the track which would create more side-by-side excitement for our fans to enjoy.”

Loose, sliding cars are more fun to watch.  NASCAR needs to bounce back after a bland, unexciting 2009 season and these major adjustments should do the trick.  If not, you’ve still got something to do on Sunday.  That engine block hangin’ from the tree outside ain’t gonna fix itself, right?

The 2010 NFL Playoffs, An Intermediate Guide

Part 3: The Conference Championships

The NFL Conference Championship round is when things get serious.  A single moment in either game can change everything.  If Brett Favre doesn’t hit Webster between the numbers with an awful interception in OT of the ’08 Playoffs, maybe the Packers win the NFC and go on to get stomped by the Patriots, who perhaps complete their perfect season.  Maybe Dwight Clark drops Montana’s pass in ’81 and there is no 49ers dynasty in the 80’s.

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New York Jets (5) at Indianapolis Colts (1), Sunday 3:00 CBS

Likewise, Peyton Manning has the opportunity this Sunday to prove himself as a clutch Quarterback and cement himself as arguably the greatest of all time by going on to win a second Super Bowl.  If the Colts lose, and the Jets go on to take the Lombardi Trophy, Mark Sanchez wears a fur coat for life.  Rex Ryan is justified for calling out The Hoodie and everyone else in the NFL and suddenly becomes Weeb Ewbank.

Rex Ryan is fun as Hell to listen to.  When asked whether the Jets have a puncher’s chance against the Colts during a press conference between his second daily Breakfast and Brunch, Ryan snapped “We’ve got a puncher’s chance like George Foreman would have a puncher’s chance.”

That kind of violent intensity has transformed an average Jets defense into the class of the NFL.  That same vicious defense should be able to bridle the Colts’ explosive passing attack long enough for Sanchez to slip in a few essential big plays amidst the onslaught of ground pounders Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene.

Something is telling me that this game will be decided in the final seconds.  Manning has the weapons, but the Jets have the mojo flowin’.

Note: The first person who thinks that they are clever in alluding to the fact that the Jets beat the Colts in Super Bowl III should be immediately punched in the dick.  This person is likely to appear on your TV, so watch the pregame show on an old tube-style set to avoid costly repairs to the new LCD in your living room.

Minnesota Vikings (2) at New Orleans Saints (1), Sunday 6:30 FOX

The Artist Formerly Known as and Again Presently Known as Prince, apparently a purple-assed Vikings fan, has released a sweet new fight song to fire up his team.  (link to “Purple and Gold” by Prince)  Doesn’t this song make you want to spear tackle Devery Henderson right between the numbers?  No, it makes you want to dive straight into a fucking wood chipper.  I had no idea that Prince was tight with all those old ladies who sing too loudly and too shrilly during Catholic masses.  You’re a legend, Prince.  Get your shit together.

Making the celebreality of this game even worse is Reggie Bush.  The first superstar performance of his opened the door for a pub-grab for his wonderfully tank-assed girlfriend Kim Kardashian.  Thanks to Reggie’s out of nowhere multiple TD game, she’s bound to get the Jessica Simpson treatment Sunday and be televised clapping at every broadcast opportunity.

Also expect to see other members of her family mugging for the camera, desperately trying to claw their way into the gossip rags and the E! channel.  I find it hilarious that when Reggie Bush and Lamar Odom (now married to Kim Kardashian’s gargantuan sister) sit down for family dinner, they aren’t the two best athletes present.  See that old lady at the head of the table?  That’s former Gold Medal Decathlete Bruce Jenner!

Speaking of self-absorbed douches, Brett Favre has the opportunity to make all of us haters eat our words.  The Ol’ Gunslinger has had a career year after having been completely written off as washed up and over the hill.

However, he faces a daunting task in going toe to toe with Drew Brees.  Percy Harvin is questionable this week with his ongoing migraine problems and his versatility will be sorely missed if he can’t go.  Adrian Peterson will have to play big to prevent Favre from feeling like he has to take the game onto his shoulders and force plays into tight coverage.

This playoff weekend should absolve the past two weeks of bad games.  Utilize the skills taught throughout all chapters of this guide.  Drink, eat, drink, and enjoy the games.  You are ready.

Jose Offerman, the Starting Second Baseman for Your 2010 Major League Douchebag All Star Team

Retired Red Sox and Dodgers All Star Second Baseman Jose Offerman punched an umpire in the face on Saturday (click for video).  Offerman, now the manager of the Licey Tigers Dominican Winter League squad, saw the umpire eject Licey Tigers Catcher Ronny Paulino, who also plays part-time for the AAAA-level Pittsburgh Pirates during the Dominican Winter League offseason.  What did the umpire do?  Say the Magic Words to Jose?

Former Red Sox Second Baseman Wil Cordero had no comment, as his phone has inexplicably been off the hook for hours now.  As you may remember, Cordero beat the hell out of his wife with a phone back in 1997.  Like a true gentleman, he started beating her with his fists.  However, she tried to call the cops.  This prompting Wil to beat her with the phone receiver and strangle her with the cord.

What’s the deal with Red Sox Second Basemen committing violent crimes?  Remember when Marty Barrett killed that hooker?  Or when Bobby Doerr bottled that guy that scuffed his wingtip?  Those things didn’t really happen, but in recalling the violent crimes of Offerman and Cordero, they almost sound believable.  My Kingdom for a Jody Reed.

Is there something in that Dirty Water in Boston that encourages abuse?  Phillies Pitcher Brett Myers never beat his wife publicly until he touched down in Boston for that fateful interleague series.  As a brief aside – if Brett Myers throws a single pitch for the Astros this season, he’s the Major League Douchebag All Star Team’s Starting Pitcher.  *Click here for another example of Brett Myers being a violent douchebag to a competent reporter*

Getting back to Offerman, this isn’t even the first time he’s done something like this!  Offerman has been in some sort of Accelerated Rehabilitation probation program since 2007, stemming from an on-field assault in a 2007 Independent league game.

The story goes that Offerman was hit by a Matt Beech slider after the first few pitches had buzzed him, down 6-0 in the IL game.  Offerman went all Problem Child and took his bat to the mound to take part in some of the ol’ Ultra-V.  Subtract about ten style points for that lack of sport fighting class.  (MLB legend Tommy John explains what happned here.)  Offerman swung the bat several times, breaking Beech’s right (non-throwing) middle finger and striking catcher John Nathans in the head, ultimately ending his career with a massive concussion.

Beech was a junkballing MLB Picher in the late 90’s and Nathans a floundering Minor League Catcher, but both of their careers were cut short here.  Not by fate, but by a fuckoff who couldn’t control his temper.  Jose Offerman ended two professional careers because he lost his shit.

The worst part is that he lost his shit again on Saturday.  It’s like if The Juice went and cut two more people’s heads off.  This jackass should not be allowed within five hundred feet of a ballpark.

Jose Offerman created his legacy when he was run out of Major League Baseball and continued to fail in the Bush Leagues: A deficient-fielding, light-hitting 2B who somehow stumbled his way onto two MLB All Star teams.  His legacy is one of almost complete shame and embarrassment.  Welcome to the MLD All Star Team, Jose!

The 2010 NFL Playoffs, A Novice Guide Part 2: The Divisional Round

Nick Stej

January 14, 2010

The Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs presents four matchups of sheer firepower versus raw grit.  Four well rested teams are invaded by four teams who are battle hardened and salty.  Rest versus rust is always the pertinent question in this round.  The Colts and Saints have essentially taken the last month off, while their opponents have had to hack and slash a path to playoff survival.

The confidence gained by these teams last week is invaluable.  The three young quarterbacks (Flacco, Romo, and Sanchez) breezed through their first round opponents with relative ease, gaining the essential experience.  That being said, those three games were a complete and utter waste of time for viewers.  The Pats, Eagles, and Bengals simply bent over and let sloppy nature take its course.  Ned Beatty’s signature scene in Deliverance was easier to watch.

The lessons learned in completing last week’s Beginner’s Guide should serve to perfect the playoff experience in this, the second round of the NFL tournament.  For the remaining noob readers, the two winners in each conference play each other next Sunday in the individual Conference Championship games, which are the final (worthwhile) precursor to the Super Bowl.

Heat up the Crock Pot, crack your first beer, and tether your fat ass to the recliner.  It’s time for some fuckin’ pigskin, assholes!

Arizona Cardinals (4) at New Orleans Saints (1), Saturday 4:30 FOX

Don’t expect any big surprises here – this matchup should be strikingly similar to last week’s barnburner between the Cardinals and the Packers (51-45 OT).  Anquan Boldin figures to be a game time decision, but Larry Fitzgerald expects Boldin to be on the field Saturday in some capacity due to Boldin’s incomparable toughness.

Peripherals aside, two big game signal callers will have no difficulty finding the end zone against fairly average defenses.  Here’s a fun drinking game to play during such a scoreboard-melter as this: have each person watching the game pick a quarterback.  Half of the audience takes Kurt Warner and the other half takes Drew Brees.  Every time a QB throws a touchdown pass, the opposite group takes a shot.  Each person selects a “Wild Card” offensive player.  If that player scores a receiving touchdown, the person holding that Wild Card distributes one shot to the opponent of their choice.

Are those rules convoluted enough?  You’ll hopefully be too fucked up to notice by the first half’s final gun.  Just another exercise in idiocy.

One more thing: Enjoy watching Kurt Warner.  You may never see the old master at work again.  Your postgame activities should include: greasy dinner, more heavy drinking (it’s Saturday night), and reminiscing upon Kurt Warner great moments of yore.

Baltimore Ravens (6) at Indianapolis Colts (1), Saturday 8:15 CBS

The Colts are screwed mentally as a result of their week 16 tank job.  Thanks for giving Coach Caldwell the orders to pull the starters in the third quarter of a 15-10 game, Bill Polian!  Curtis Painter and his 9.8 QB rating worked out great for the team!  Nothing tells the paying fans to go and take a Polish Bike Ride like unabashedly throwing away a perfect season without a hint of regret.

The Ravens held a confident Colts offense to 17 points in week 11, giving the edge to a revitalized Ravens defense over a now deflated Colts squad.  Although Manning has had some success against the Ravens in the past, this doesn’t look to be his week.

The entity that may be overlooked in this matchup is Ravens QB Joe Flacco.  It is clear that Peyton Manning’s face looks like it’s been affixed onto a giant thumb, but Flacco is the spitting image of beloved homosexual Sesame Street character Bert.  The reason for this omission may be the easy predisposition of people to refer to Joe Flacco of the NFL as Shane Falco of the movie The Replacements.

Stand tall in the pocket, Bert Falco.

Dallas Cowboys (3) at Minnesota Vikings (2), Sunday 1:00 FOX

It’s a shame that the Eagles completely laid down (34-14) last week against the Cowboys, preventing the Cards/Pack winner from playing the Vikes.  It would have been amusing to watch Brett Favre completely self-destruct trying to keep pace with either Kurt Warner or Aaron Rodgers this Sunday.  Cardinals Choker Kicker Neil Rackers apparently wanted that as much as any of us.

Instead, we have the privilege of watching a pair high-octane, souped-up lemmings in a full sprint drag race toward the proverbial cliff of a five interception meltdown.   Both Favre and Romo have the potential to throw a big game away.  They’re a pair of rockheaded playmakers who thrive based on superior physical tools.  These two honkies are prime examples of the typical black quarterback archetype held by many knucklehead/racist football fans.

New York Jets (5) at San Diego Chargers (2), Sunday 4:40 CBS

The Chargers have the upper hand in this matchup due to one factor alone: LT’s Slide: The Electric Glide.  Yes, the hottest team in the NFL just got that much hotter.  LaDainian Tomlinson is the Fridge, Samurai Mike, and the Punky QB all rolled into one smooth brotha.

Tomlinson may get his glide on, but the Jets 2^nd ranked (yards/game) running game is the one to be feared Sunday against the Chargers’ 20^th ranked rushing defense, who has allowed a 5^th worst 4.5 yards per carry.

Don’t despair if the Jets jump out to an early lead via the big play.  The Bolts can put up quick points in short time thanks to their considerable physical size and athleticism at Wide Receiver and Tight End.  Cornerback Darrelle Revis can completely shut down one WR for an entire game, but the Chargers passing game clearly boasts more than merely a Philip Rivers to Vincent Jackson connection.

Rex Ryan has worked his defensive magic all year, but look for him to be drowning his sorrows in gravy while wiping away the tears with garlic bread all day Monday at the local Ponderosa greasy spoon buffet.

Postgame Activity

Getting after it as you were instructed to do last week is not advisable on consecutive Sunday nights, but devise some sort of contingency plan just in case.  Come up with a preemptive excuse for why you MAY be late/sick from work on Monday.  Jury duty, chronic car trouble, and pest control visits are valid reasons that may produce varied results for a multitude of circumstances.  You wouldn’t want your boss or coworkers to think that you’ve been coming down with the Monday Morning Quarterblahhhhh on the regular.

The 2010 NFL Playoffs, A Beginner’s Guide

Part 1: The Wild Card Round

Nick Stej

January 7, 2010

The Wild Card round of the NFL Playoffs is a good introduction to watching an entire weekend of football for those who may not be seasoned veterans of binge couch sporting. This sect includes those who nearly exclusively watch the local team, those who do not watch college football all day on Saturday, and even those who keep their football watching strictly to Sundays and the occasional Monday night game. The hard core fan, however, should not be discouraged from reading this guide, as this primer can enhance the maiden weekend of the NFL Playoffs for all classifications of football fan.

The Wild Card round presents a chance for the two best teams in each conference not to have managed to win a division title to face the winners of the lesser two of the four division winners in their respective conference. Many consider this to be the most exciting of the four rounds in the NFL tourney. Wild card teams like the ’97 Broncos, ’00 Ravens, and the ’07 Giants have gone on to win the Super Bowl in recent years.

In order to fully enjoy the weekend, pregame preparations must be made. The key items for this voyage of the sofa include the essentials: at least one case of beer per person, chips/pretzels/crackers, cheese, and an essential long-term food source like chili or pulled pork. If you don’t own a Crock Pot, go buy one. Even the novice can maintain a pot full of meatballs and marinara over the course of two days.

As the beers and artery cloggers flow, the one facet of preparation that may be overlooked is often the games themselves. The playoff slate begins at 4:30 on Saturday, so be sure to have made all preparations prior to kickoff.

The food is hot and the beer is ice cold. Rock and Roll.

New York Jets (5) at Cincinnati Bengals (4), Saturday 4:30 NBC

For the first time in NFL history, three teams will face their week 17 opponents in the first round of the playoffs. Each of the three matchups was a thorough beatdown last week. The Jets fisted the Bengals in week 17 by a decisive score of 37-0 on Sunday night. Most viewers gave up on the pathetic Bengals before the first half ended. Those who watched further were treated with the bumbling antics of Bengals backup QB JT O’Sullivan, who struggled to get plays off before the play clock expired. The Bengals looked like a bunch of assholes.

It was surprising to see Carson Palmer on the field to start the game at QB, as the rest of the Bengals had seemingly forgotten to get off the plane in Jersey. If they were going to quit, then why even play their starters? Cedric Benson was scratched from the lineup, leaving him free of the soul rape that occurred, but it seems that as the majority Bengals’ starting squad was thoroughly demoralized, they are mentally screwed to the floor for the playoffs.

If there is a game to skip this weekend, skip this one. Take the wife out to dinner, walk the dog, rip down some Christmas lights, do whatever you need to do in asking pre-forgiveness for the rest of the weekend. Never tell her how bad you know the Jets will pummel the Bungles. Insist that you’re missing a good game. Point to the final score, ignore the Chad Johnson’s garbage touchdowns, and insist that you missed a good game.

Implications: Winner plays at Indianapolis (1) if New England (3) wins Sunday; Winner plays at San Diego (2) if Baltimore (6) wins.

Postgame-Pregame: Chug/funnel/shotgun a few beers. Down a shot or two. Choose Tequila or whisky, depending on your climate and personal disposition. Drink up! It’s Saturday night, ya turkey!

Philadelphia Eagles (6) at Dallas Cowboys (3), Saturday 8:00 NBC

AJ Daulerio of deadspin.com accurately joked that the Eagles “proved that it’s possible to pull your starters even though they are actually still playing in the game.” This 24-0 shutout was so bad that I actually tuned in to the Bucs-Falcons game after the first quarter of this shit pile. No kidding. Paired with their week 9 victory, the Cowboys have outscored the Eagles 44-16.

Advantage: the team playing against Tony Romo in any playoff game until he wins one. Don’t tell me that Romo exercised all of his late season demons by stomping a hot division rival. He’s still Danny White in my book.

WR Roy Williams is symbolic of the Cowboys’ underachievement over the past few years and Eagles CB Asante Samuel should be glued to overachieving workhorse WR Miles Austin until Williams can prove that he’s worthy of more than Sheldon Brown’s solo attention.

The Wade Philsbury Doughboy (pictured twice below) will get rolled up and sent packing by Jerry Jones after another late season collapse in Philly.

Implications Pending Victory: Philadelphia plays at New Orleans (1); Dallas plays at Minnesota (2).

Postgame: Whatever the hell it is that you do at 11 on a Saturday night when you’re good and loaded.

Baltimore Ravens (6) at New England Patriots (3), Sunday 1:00 CBS

The story of this game is clearly Wes Welker’s season ending ACL/MCL tear. Welker led the league in receptions (123) despite missing two games early this season and was Brady’s only target on many key passing downs. Julian Edelman seems to be a Welker “clone”, but as we saw in the movie Multiplicity, the quality of clones is lessened with every cloning. Similarities don’t stop there, as just in the movie, no one is laughing at this mess.

The resurgent Willis McGahee stole carries from starting RB Ray Rice last week, bitch-slapping the Raiders secondary en route to three touchdowns. McGahee has made fans spill their drinks and shout in horror before, once in college and again in the pros. Third time’s the charm?

The Patriots won the week four matchup 27-21, indicating just how close these two teams are in talent. The Ravens are relatively healthy, which gives them a slight edge heading into The Razor in Foxboro.

Implications Pending Victory: Baltimore plays at Indianapolis (1); New England plays at San Diego (2).

Postgame-Pregame: your grill should be hot and ready to go. Sunday is prime for a steak and corn on the cob. I suggest a nice tender ribeye cut. A good fat marble is necessary. If the ribeye doesn’t look good, get a more reliable cut. Drink more beer.

Green Bay Packers (5) at Arizona Cardinals (4), Sunday 4:40 FOX

Last week the Pack manhandled the nothing-to-win Cardinals 33-7, but the victory was meaningless. Really, how hard is it to beat an Arizona team with hapless draft bust Matt Leinart at the helm and top receiving threats Fitzgerald and Boldin resting?

This game is the perfect capper to the Wild Card weekend. Just sit back and watch Warner and Rodgers give the scoreboard bulbs a workout. It doesn’t matter who wins this game, but I would like to see Aaron Rodgers ride into Minnesota next week and throw 5 TD’s to match the Ol’ Gunslinger’s 5 INT’s.

Implications: Winner plays at New Orleans (1) if Dallas (3) wins Sunday; Winner plays at Minnesota (2) if Philadelphia (6) wins.

Postgame Activity

By this time, you’re good and lit. The Devil on your shoulder will be telling you to continue drinking heavily and eating fried foods late into the evening. This is not correct. Unfortunately, the normally level-headed Angel is passed out in a puddle between the numbers 1 and 5 on the opposite shoulder of your new Chris Henry jersey.

Fuck it, pour the shot. Your sick days at work just refreshed on the New Year. The football gods love a working man.

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