The 2010 NFL Playoffs, A Beginner’s Guide

Part 1: The Wild Card Round

Nick Stej

January 7, 2010

The Wild Card round of the NFL Playoffs is a good introduction to watching an entire weekend of football for those who may not be seasoned veterans of binge couch sporting. This sect includes those who nearly exclusively watch the local team, those who do not watch college football all day on Saturday, and even those who keep their football watching strictly to Sundays and the occasional Monday night game. The hard core fan, however, should not be discouraged from reading this guide, as this primer can enhance the maiden weekend of the NFL Playoffs for all classifications of football fan.

The Wild Card round presents a chance for the two best teams in each conference not to have managed to win a division title to face the winners of the lesser two of the four division winners in their respective conference. Many consider this to be the most exciting of the four rounds in the NFL tourney. Wild card teams like the ’97 Broncos, ’00 Ravens, and the ’07 Giants have gone on to win the Super Bowl in recent years.

In order to fully enjoy the weekend, pregame preparations must be made. The key items for this voyage of the sofa include the essentials: at least one case of beer per person, chips/pretzels/crackers, cheese, and an essential long-term food source like chili or pulled pork. If you don’t own a Crock Pot, go buy one. Even the novice can maintain a pot full of meatballs and marinara over the course of two days.

As the beers and artery cloggers flow, the one facet of preparation that may be overlooked is often the games themselves. The playoff slate begins at 4:30 on Saturday, so be sure to have made all preparations prior to kickoff.

The food is hot and the beer is ice cold. Rock and Roll.

New York Jets (5) at Cincinnati Bengals (4), Saturday 4:30 NBC

For the first time in NFL history, three teams will face their week 17 opponents in the first round of the playoffs. Each of the three matchups was a thorough beatdown last week. The Jets fisted the Bengals in week 17 by a decisive score of 37-0 on Sunday night. Most viewers gave up on the pathetic Bengals before the first half ended. Those who watched further were treated with the bumbling antics of Bengals backup QB JT O’Sullivan, who struggled to get plays off before the play clock expired. The Bengals looked like a bunch of assholes.

It was surprising to see Carson Palmer on the field to start the game at QB, as the rest of the Bengals had seemingly forgotten to get off the plane in Jersey. If they were going to quit, then why even play their starters? Cedric Benson was scratched from the lineup, leaving him free of the soul rape that occurred, but it seems that as the majority Bengals’ starting squad was thoroughly demoralized, they are mentally screwed to the floor for the playoffs.

If there is a game to skip this weekend, skip this one. Take the wife out to dinner, walk the dog, rip down some Christmas lights, do whatever you need to do in asking pre-forgiveness for the rest of the weekend. Never tell her how bad you know the Jets will pummel the Bungles. Insist that you’re missing a good game. Point to the final score, ignore the Chad Johnson’s garbage touchdowns, and insist that you missed a good game.

Implications: Winner plays at Indianapolis (1) if New England (3) wins Sunday; Winner plays at San Diego (2) if Baltimore (6) wins.

Postgame-Pregame: Chug/funnel/shotgun a few beers. Down a shot or two. Choose Tequila or whisky, depending on your climate and personal disposition. Drink up! It’s Saturday night, ya turkey!

Philadelphia Eagles (6) at Dallas Cowboys (3), Saturday 8:00 NBC

AJ Daulerio of deadspin.com accurately joked that the Eagles “proved that it’s possible to pull your starters even though they are actually still playing in the game.” This 24-0 shutout was so bad that I actually tuned in to the Bucs-Falcons game after the first quarter of this shit pile. No kidding. Paired with their week 9 victory, the Cowboys have outscored the Eagles 44-16.

Advantage: the team playing against Tony Romo in any playoff game until he wins one. Don’t tell me that Romo exercised all of his late season demons by stomping a hot division rival. He’s still Danny White in my book.

WR Roy Williams is symbolic of the Cowboys’ underachievement over the past few years and Eagles CB Asante Samuel should be glued to overachieving workhorse WR Miles Austin until Williams can prove that he’s worthy of more than Sheldon Brown’s solo attention.

The Wade Philsbury Doughboy (pictured twice below) will get rolled up and sent packing by Jerry Jones after another late season collapse in Philly.

Implications Pending Victory: Philadelphia plays at New Orleans (1); Dallas plays at Minnesota (2).

Postgame: Whatever the hell it is that you do at 11 on a Saturday night when you’re good and loaded.

Baltimore Ravens (6) at New England Patriots (3), Sunday 1:00 CBS

The story of this game is clearly Wes Welker’s season ending ACL/MCL tear. Welker led the league in receptions (123) despite missing two games early this season and was Brady’s only target on many key passing downs. Julian Edelman seems to be a Welker “clone”, but as we saw in the movie Multiplicity, the quality of clones is lessened with every cloning. Similarities don’t stop there, as just in the movie, no one is laughing at this mess.

The resurgent Willis McGahee stole carries from starting RB Ray Rice last week, bitch-slapping the Raiders secondary en route to three touchdowns. McGahee has made fans spill their drinks and shout in horror before, once in college and again in the pros. Third time’s the charm?

The Patriots won the week four matchup 27-21, indicating just how close these two teams are in talent. The Ravens are relatively healthy, which gives them a slight edge heading into The Razor in Foxboro.

Implications Pending Victory: Baltimore plays at Indianapolis (1); New England plays at San Diego (2).

Postgame-Pregame: your grill should be hot and ready to go. Sunday is prime for a steak and corn on the cob. I suggest a nice tender ribeye cut. A good fat marble is necessary. If the ribeye doesn’t look good, get a more reliable cut. Drink more beer.

Green Bay Packers (5) at Arizona Cardinals (4), Sunday 4:40 FOX

Last week the Pack manhandled the nothing-to-win Cardinals 33-7, but the victory was meaningless. Really, how hard is it to beat an Arizona team with hapless draft bust Matt Leinart at the helm and top receiving threats Fitzgerald and Boldin resting?

This game is the perfect capper to the Wild Card weekend. Just sit back and watch Warner and Rodgers give the scoreboard bulbs a workout. It doesn’t matter who wins this game, but I would like to see Aaron Rodgers ride into Minnesota next week and throw 5 TD’s to match the Ol’ Gunslinger’s 5 INT’s.

Implications: Winner plays at New Orleans (1) if Dallas (3) wins Sunday; Winner plays at Minnesota (2) if Philadelphia (6) wins.

Postgame Activity

By this time, you’re good and lit. The Devil on your shoulder will be telling you to continue drinking heavily and eating fried foods late into the evening. This is not correct. Unfortunately, the normally level-headed Angel is passed out in a puddle between the numbers 1 and 5 on the opposite shoulder of your new Chris Henry jersey.

Fuck it, pour the shot. Your sick days at work just refreshed on the New Year. The football gods love a working man.

The Best Way to Strangle a Snitch is with a Cable

-filed by intrepid Douchebag Report Sports Correspondent Nick Stej

Al Davis, a Hall of Famer and one of the men who built pro football as we know it today, has completely lost both his mind and his tact. The legendary Raiders Warlord has seemingly frayed his once great empire through underhanded dealings and snitching tactics.

Davis sent a mole into then Head Coach Lane Kiffin’s coaching room and where did that land him? A few decades late and a few bucks short of having a good coach.

Everyone in the Raiders coaching staff seems to have known Randy Hanson’s deal. He was the informant to Al Davis and a real Raiders guy. When Kiffin tried to suspend Hanson in 2008, he was fired soon after. This proves that losing and talking trash about the organization is okay, but suspending a d-backs coach is an impeachable offense.

That buck short would later come in the form of Tom Cable, a mean looking son of a bitch who appears as if he’d just as soon teach you how to shed a cut block as he’d show you how to bottle two men cleanly before the third dropped his glass.

The first time that the former defensive backs coach and purported mole Randy Hanson opened his mouth during a meeting, Cable is reported to have replied with a swift “If I could fire you today, I would.”

Less than a year later, Cable would allegedly remove the snitch’s ability to report coherently to the boss by breaking his jaw.

To get the tale of the tape straight, Cable has got to outweigh Hanson by at least 100 pounds. Still, a cinematic moment like Shooter McGavin’s savage beating at the hands of a giant mongoloid at the end of Happy Gilmore suggest that some people just have it coming to them.

Cable reportedly demoted Hanson to off-field film squint duty shortly before the altercation. Here’s a brief dramatization of how I envision the situation developing:

Int. Coaches’ Meeting, 15 minutes in…

DB Coach (Lionel Washington): Their receivers are getting their release too easy.

Hanson: Pffft.

Cable: Excuse me?

Hanson: Nothing to do with me, chief.

Cable: Excuse me?

Cable throws Hanson out of his chair.

Cable: Get up from the floor, you fucking rat. I still can’t hear you.

Hanson: This is how you’re running your ship now?

Cable: “I am going to kill you”

Cable strangles Hanson, who is at this point a limp rag doll.

Cable: “I am going to kill you.”

Cable gets one good haymaker in, breaking Hanson’s thin, pasty jaw.

The rest of the coaches knew that where one punch landed, many might follow and seized Cable before he could land a second blow.

Al Davis lost his mole last week, but may have gained much more.

If Hanson presses charges like he seems to be prepared to do, Cable will be up on felony assault charges.

If Hanson follows this through to conviction, Tom Cable is a convicted felon.

POP QUIZ!

Name one Oakland Raiders criminal.

OK, too easy.

Name one Oakland Raiders felon!

Easy too, yeah, this next one might be a bit easier.

Name one Raiders Stool Pigeon.

Randy Hanson.

Check that. There are no stoolies in the Raiders organization. Mr. Hanson, you are soon to be fired by Mr. Davis.

Al Davis has always loved having criminals within his organization. Take a guess who’s a Raiders guy now. Take a guess who’s out of a job.

Michael Vick Isn’t as Dumb as He Looks

-filed by intrepid Douchebag Report Sports Correspondent Nick Stej

It can be argued that Michael Vick is the dumbest quarterback in the NFL.  Quincy Carter and Ryan Leaf have long since retired/gotten cut by the last team that would sign them.  Vince Young reportedly scored a six out of a possible fifty on his Wonderlic Test, but the fact that Vick squandered what was the richest contract in the history of the league (10 years, $130 million), Vick gets the edge.

Any football fan or animal rights activist can recite to you the atrocities that were committed by Vick in pissing away his lucrative career, but these vile acts bear repeating.  To put it simply, Vick and his cronies shot, electrocuted, drowned, and body slammed pit bulls to death when they lost dogfights at Vick’s Bad Newz Kennels.

“Winning isn’t everything: it’s the only thing.”  Vick didn’t quite understand the proper application of this famous line.  Lombardi’s Packers expressed interest in signing Vick, but were beaten out by the Philadelphia Eagles.

Philly signed Michael Vick to a one year, $1.6 million deal on Friday with a club option for a second year at $5.2 mil.

Vick has made some dumb decisions in his life, but the one he didn’t make may have been his smartest.

Vick was offered a two year, $2.3 million deal by the Cincinnati Bengals, the NFL equivalent of the Portland JailBlazers of a few years ago.

The Bengals roster tallied thirteen arrests in a little over a year, so it makes sense that they would be so hot after a player who spent time in the joint.

My theory is that Vick’s “Spiritual Advisor Tony Dungy,” as Dick Schaap’s son Jeremy calls him, received a received a phone call from Vick.  Dungy, one of the most sane and sober men on this planet, likely responded with something like Mike, are you out of your f**king mind???

It must be nice to have a cross between Bill Walsh and Jiminy Cricket as your mentor.

My advice to you as someone who would like to see you succeed, but is less sane and far less sober than Tony Dungy:

Mike.  Mex.  Can I call you Ron Mexico now that we’re friends?  Ron.  Sit at home, buy the UFC fight on pay per view to satisfy your bloodlust, and for Christ’s sake stay away from the local dog shows.

If you do happen to feel peckish, Ron, but here’s a list of upcoming events courtesy of infodog.com that coincides with your 2009 Eagles regular season schedule:

9/12	@car	Moore County Kennel Club of NC	Pinehurst, NC
9/19	no	Conemaugh County Beagle Club	New Florence, PA
9/26	kc	Lancaster Kennel Club	Lebanon, PA
10/10	tb	Golden Triangle Obedience Training Club	Cheswick, PA
10/16	@oak	Bay Area Rhodesian Ridgeback Club	Livermore, CA
10/25	@was	Susquehanna Retriever Club	Elkton, MD
10/30	nyg	Clarion Canine Obedience Club	Edinboro, PA
11/6-7	dal	Admiral Perry Obedience Club	Edinboro, PA
11/14	@sd	San Luis Obispo Kennel Club	Paso Robles, CA
11/21	@chi	Capitol Canine Training Club…	Springfield, IL
11/27	was	Valley Forge Basset Hound Club	Creamery, PA
12/5	@atl	South Georgia Coonhunters Association	Dawson, GA
12/12	@nyg	(Dog Show Bye Week)
12/20	sf	Santa’s Little Helper Association	Springfield, NJ
12/31	den	Upper Chesapeake Bay Saluki Club	Hanover, PA
1/2	@dal	Amarillo Obedience Training Club	Amarillo, TX

Big Papi’s Comedic Debut

It seems appropriate that David Ortiz would open his positive drug test rebuttal press conference today with an awkward laugh. It’s hard to take any of these accused ‘roiders seriously. This is especially true when the accused shows up wearing what appears to be a high-end Canadian Tuxedo.

Big Papi has set the stage. The laughs should come pouring in.

Ortiz opens with a fresh new line, saying “Nobody can tell me why I’m on the list.” This is an edgy line, as it has been reported that all players who tested positive were to be notified of the substances detected.

Ortiz went to the time tested classic ignorance play, saying “I was a little bit careless back in those days when I was buying supplements over the counter, legal supplements, legal vitamins, but I never bought steroids or used steroids.”

“I never thought it would hurt anybody’s feelings but it did and I’m sorry about that.”

Abusing the audience with a little sarcasm – that’s edgy. The old bait and switch.

“It was a misunderstanding about my statement when I first took a meeting with the Union in 2004,” Ortiz called back to the ignorance topic, “but I was never told that I tested positive for steroids.”

“We had this five minute meeting and it was a little confusing,” Ortiz said, passing the buck to MLB, “but I was never told that I test(ed) positive for steroids.”

When asked whether he was advised after his meeting with MLB that he should stop taking supplements, Ortiz simply replied, “No.”

Big Papi brought down the house with his clown show. Ortiz blamed everyone but himself. Yes, MLB is largely to blame. The Players Union is to blame. We as naïve fans are to blame. David Ortiz needs to take his share of the blame.

Let’s go to Fantasy Land for a moment. Not Papi’s Fantasy Land in which his legacy as a Red Sox hero is still pure. Let’s go to my personal Baseball Fantasy Land.

All players caught using performance enhancing drugs are suspended for one full year, their active contracts voided, and they are forced to play the rest of their careers at the MLB league minimum.

Hit them in their steroid bulked wallets. The Players Union would never accept this and MLB owners would never risk losing their stars for a full year.

Suspending disbelief, the active Home Run King is Hank Aaron and Roger Maris’ record of 61 homers in a season still stands. Baseball Fantasy Land. Those were the days.

-filed by Douchebag Report Sports Correspondent Nick Stej

The Positivity of Bronson Arroyo: A Greenie A Day Keeps Santana At Bay

In the midst of the Steroid Era, Major League baseball needs a new hero. Baseball needs a superstar who will stand before the onslaught of accusations and cleanse the American Pastime. That superstar is…Bronson Arroyo?

The same man who brought back the Dutch Boy haircut and sang his famous butt rock rendition of “Dirty Water” is the only active player to date who has come clean about his performance enhancing drug use.

A recent phone interview with the Boston Herald’s Michael Silverman concerning the 2003 positive PED tests of former teammates Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz has absolved Arroyo of his aforementioned douchebaggery.

“Before 2004, none of us paid any attention to anything we took,” Arroyo said of the supposedly anonymous 2003 MLB drug test, “Now they don’t want us to take anything unless it’s approved. But back then, who knows what was in stuff? The FDA wasn’t regulating stuff, not unless it was killing people or people were dying from it.”

Arroyo told the Herald of his 2003-05 teammates, “Guys like David and Manny, if they did something, it didn’t make them who they were. Did it make them a little better? Probably,”

Arroyo also spoke candidly about his own use of PED’s, saying “Oh yeah, of course I took a greenie for a 12:35 p.m. game. Pitching against Johan Santana, you don’t think I’m going to take a greenie[amphetamine] if I could? C’mon.” Amphetamines were not banned by MLB until 2006.

“Andro made me feel great, I felt like a monster. I felt like I could jump and hit my head on the basketball rim,” said the 6’5” pitcher on his use of the substance that was officially banned by MLB in 2004. Arroyo says that he stopped using Andro after the 2003 season upon learning that some batches could be laced with steroids, triggering a positive test.

It’s a shame that every time one of his Frisbee sliders ends up on the wrong side of the Great American Ball Park outfield wall Bronson Arroyo must wonder what kind of stuff the hitter was on.

“I feel like the game’s getting cleared up,” Arroyo said hopefully. “Personally, I don’t care what people think about what I did. I do what I do.”

Bronson Arroyo’s candor has placed him within the ranks of the few remaining heroes in baseball. Hopefully the next player to come clean on the subject of performance enhancing drugs can boast an ERA under 5.00 and plays for a MLB team of some consequence.

-filed by Douchebag Report Sports Correspondent Nick Stej

Screw You, Michael Phelps…

…and screw you liberal bloggers and facebook assholes that are joining that nauseating “Leave Phelps Alone” campaign. 

Let’s face it. Matt Michael Phelps is a douchebag that got caught smoking pot and deserves to be punished for smoking pot, along with all of the other douchebags that get caught smoking pot. Olympian, hero, dolphin, American icon… whatever. There can be no legal exemption in Phelps’ case. He made a mistake and has to pay for it like everyone else. 

I’m not going to offer my opinion on the legality of marijuana, or the punishment that often follows a marijuana arrest. I will, however, say that those who claim that Phelps “did nothing wrong” must have stayed underwater a little too long. After all, the douchebag smoked pot. 

Now I’m expected to join legions of liberal facebook idiots that want to give him a pass? I’m supposed to sympathesize with a kid who loses cherry endorsement gigs with Subway and Kelloggs because he’s a stoner? Eh. Screw You, Matt Michael Phelps.

Cheerleaders Are Whores And Their Parents Are Douchebags

There was a time when the realization that their daughter is a whore would bring a silent shame to a family.

That time has passed.

The parents of two Seattle-area high school cheerleaders are suing the district for suspending the girls from the squad after nude photographs of them circulated via text message.

The two teens were suspended from the squad — one for 30 days and one for the entire year — after school officials learned of the photos in August, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported.

Not only are these girls whores, apparently they’re also retarded.

One of the pictures was taken three years ago and sent to the teen’s then-boyfriend. The other was snapped in June. The lawsuits allege that the girls believed they had deleted the photos, but accidentally sent them to members of the football team.

That’s right.  Somehow these girls confused “Delete” with “Send it to the football team“.

Matthew King, the attorney representing the families, told the Post-Intelligencer that it was unfair to punish the cheerleaders but not the other students who received or forwarded the photos.

“We’re not technically challenging the sanctions as being too strict, we’re saying they weren’t evenly enforced across the school,” said King. “There should have been some punishment meted out to those who were in possession of the photos. … It seems like the girls are getting the brunt of it.”

We’re sure that’s not a situation that going to change anytime soon.

Fortunately, for the girls involved, cheerleading can lead to a very lucrative career working with some of the most powerful people in the country.

Ex-NBA Player Uses Drug-Dealing To Escape Life Of Wealth And Luxury

Former NBA star Corie Blount took up drug-dealing in an apparent attempt to destroy his successful life.  Perhaps he was getting back to his roots.

Basketball star Corie Blount grew up poor in southern California, amid a culture where “everybody wanted to sell drugs,” he told UC Magazine in its September issue.

With his days of playing professional basketball over, Blount finally got a chance to fulfill that childhood dream.

On Thursday, Butler County authorities arrested Blount after he accepted a U.S. Postal Service delivery of 11 pounds of marijuana at a Liberty Township property he owns. They followed Blount to his home nearby and arrested him. There, they found 18 more pounds of pot.

Drug-sniffing dogs found the dope even though it was enveloped in mustard, plastic wrap and fragrant clothes-dryer sheets, police said. The drugs came from an undisclosed location in California, and authorities there are investigating, officials said.

In addition to the pot, police confiscated $29,500 in cash, a Mercedes-Benz, a Cadillac Escalade, a Chevrolet Suburban and three guns – one of them an SKS assault rifle, said Butler County Sheriff’s Detective Mike Hackney.

Of course, dealing drugs is a lot more fun when you have nothing to lose.  Blount has something to lose.

Blount co-owns a bar called The Garage in Sharonville. He also owns multiple parcels of real estate, including a secluded Liberty Township home valued at more than $500,000, where he lives with his wife and five children.

“You just think, ‘Why? Why would somebody that’s been so successful take these risks?’ It doesn’t seem like somebody who had a good life like that would do this,” Hackney said Friday. “I keep shaking my head.”

Apparently Hackney is unfamiliar with the concept of “Keeping it real”.  Of course, Blount might have been unfamiliar with the concept of “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong”

Blount, 39, is accused of possessing 29 pounds of marijuana. If convicted on the possession charge, he faces one to five years in prison. He was freed after posting $10,090 bond. Blount is scheduled to appear Wednesday in Butler County Area II Court in Hamilton. More charges are possible, officials said.

If Blount was looking to escape his charmed life, then this was very well played.

Douchebag Wears Sweatpants To Nightclub

While there are times and places where it is appropriate to wear sweatpants in public, a New York nightclub isn’t one of them.

Unfortunately for Plaxico Burress, he committed this fashion faux pas and ended up with a bullet in his leg as a result.

For Burress, it began inside a New York nightclub late last Friday night when – believe it or not – he accidentaly shot himself through the thigh with a semi-automatic pistol.
According to published reports, Burress was carrying the unlicensed weapon for protection. The gun went off after it began slipping down the inside of his sweatpants, and Burress fumbled while trying to reach it.

Burress, apparently embarrassed about being caught wearing sweatpants in a nightclub, tried to cover the incident up.

A bleeding Burress then reportedly tried to cover it all up, frantically passing the pistol off to teammate Antonio Pierce and enlisting club employees not to alert authorities before checking into New York Presbyterian hospital under an assumed name at 2:45 a.m.

And so Plaxico Burress has learned a lesson we can all learn from: Don’t wear sweatpants to a nightclub.  You’ll look like a douchebag,

B-Ball Douche In Rubber Heist

Binghamton University basketball player Malik Alvin was arrested for assault and shoplifting after he stole a box of condoms from an upstate New York Wal-Mart.

Alvin was confronted by security at a Vestal Wal-Mart when he tried to take 36 condoms without paying for them and tried to leave the store.  Fleeing the scene, Alvin fouled a 66-year old woman, leaving her with a concussion.

« Previous Page — Next Page »