Fat Chance

Let’s say you’re a cop, and you become too fat to do your job, what do you do? You file a frivolous lawsuit, of course. At least, that’s what the 500 pound officer Paul Soto did:

He weighs more than 500 pounds, but that wasn’t enough to tip the scales of justice for ex-cop Paul Soto.

The rotund retiree lost his legal argument that it was a line-of-duty fall outside a doctor’s office that cost him his NYPD career. A judge says it was actually his “morbid obesity.”

“There’s no dispute that [Soto] is physically incapable of performing his duties as a police officer. He is morbidly obese, suffers from narcolepsy and is hypertensive,” Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Judith Gische wrote in her decision made public yesterday.

“Mr. Soto was put on desk duty for his own safety,” and “was not any less able to perform his duties after the fall than he was before it.”

“We’re disappointed,” said Soto’s lawyer, Philip Seelig, who’d been fighting to get his client a big-bucks accidental disability pension from the department.

Of course you’re disappointed. Mr. Soto could buy a lot of doughnuts winning that kind of, er, dough. Of course, you don’t get fat overnight. Here’s a lesson in pathos:

When Soto joined the force in 1993, Gische found, he weighed approximately 250 pounds. He is now 40, 5-foot-7 and over 500 pounds.

Now, to put 500 pounds in perspective, here are a few fun facts:

• 500 pounds is equivalent to 3,000 Yeast Raised Creme Filled Doughnuts (source)
• 500 pounds is 8.3 times the weight of Elvis’ colon at the time of his death (source)
• 500 pounds is about half the weight of an average cow (source)

Source: New York Post – He’s BIIIG Blue

Double 0 Douchebag

From the “terrorists are stupid” department:

A computer nerd from Shepherd’s Bush, West London, became al Qaeda’s top internet agent, it can be revealed today.

Younes Tsouli, 23, an IT student at a London college, used his top-floor flat in W12 to help Islamist extremists wage a propaganda war against the West.

Under the name Irhabi 007 – combining the James Bond reference with the Arabic for terrorist – he worked with al Qaeda leaders in Iraq and came up with a way to convert often gruesome videos into a form that could be put onto the Web.

Videos he posted included messages from Osama bin Laden and images of the kidnapping and murder of hostages in Iraq such as American Nick Berg.

His capture led to the arrest of several Islamic terrorists around the world, including 17 men in Canada and two in the US.

Associates linked to Tsouli in the UK have also now been detained. His 10-year jail sentence was increased to 16 years last month.

At first intelligence operatives who came across his activities dismissed him as a joke. It was only when anti-terrorist detectives began trawling through files on his computer after his arrest that they realised his true significance.

When he was seized, forensic science officers found that Tsouli had been creating a website called YOUBOMBIT.

Hmm… with “terrorist” in his screen name, and a website called “youbombit,” how ever did he get caught?

 Source: Daily Mail – British Muslim computer geek…

Islamic Bombshells

Paris. Milan. New York. London. These are the regions that are normally associated with the latest, cutting-edge, trendsetting fashion designs that are both admired and adopted globally. Move over Armani and Calvin Klein, Islamic radicals in Philippines are stepping up to the plate with designs that are sure to set even the most discriminating runways ablaze:

Manila, 16 Jan. (AKI) – In the Philippines, they have been labelled “sexy bombers” and they are believed to be the latest weapon from the Islamic terrorist group Jemaah Islamiyah.

Police from the volatile southern province of Mindanao are taking seriously the possibility that women have been trained and are ready to blow themselves up in the name of Islam.

According to information given to intelligence services, there are at least 10 potential female suicide bombers ready to carry out attacks. 

Several cities in Mindanao, the southernmost island of the archipelago which is home to 4.5 million Muslims, would be among their potential targets.

The island is the scene of an ongoing secessionist battle being fought by Islamic separatists for the past 30 years.

The head of police in Mindanao has called for local police to investigate reports that the female bombers may have been recruited and trained.

Jemaah Islamiyah is a South-east Asian militant Islamic organisation based on the radical ideology of the Indonesian movement, Darul Islam, and committed to establishing a caliphate in the region.

The group is responsible for various attacks in the region in recent years, including the 2002 Bali bombings which killed 202 people and injured 200 others.

It was added to the United Nations list of terrorist organisations linked to al-Qaeda or the Taliban in October 2002.

In the past, Jemaah Islamiyah have not used women to carry out suicide attacks.

In lieu of this, I simply offer an etiquette / safety tip for the sensitive American male: If you’re ever confronted with the question “Does this bomb suit make me look fat?” The answer is always “No.” Then run. Like hell. As for you single guys out there, steer clear of ticking women. Especially if they look like this:

A Lesson In Liberal Sensitivity

Chris Kelly takes a several cheap shots over the death of Ann Coulter’s father. Here’s a sneak peek at the warmth, sensitivity, and political correctness that the Liberals embrace:

Clearly, Ann’s not at the top of her game. So I’ve taken the liberty of going through the eulogy — cutting the Kennedy material — and punching up the rest.

The longest baby ever born at the Albany, N.Y., hospital, at least as of May 5, 1926, who grew up to be my strapping father, passed away last Friday morning.

And by “strapping” I mean, “he beat me with a strap.”

As Mother and I stood at Daddy’s casket Monday morning, Mother repeated his joke to him, which he said on every wedding anniversary until a few years ago when Lewy bodies dementia prevented him from saying much at all: “54 years, married to the wrong woman.” And we laughed.

Because he was dead.

John Vincent Coulter was of the old school, a man of few words, the un-Oprah, no crying or wearing your heart on your sleeve, and reacting to moments of great sentiment with a joke. Or as we used to call them:

Assholes.

Check out the rest of this train wreck at The Huffington Post.

Mothers Against Drunk Douchebags

From the “What Goes Around Comes Around” department:

Sidney Blumenthal plays hardball. A longtime confidante and adviser to the Clintons, he has zealously defended them through any number of scandal investigations. Along the way, Blumenthal has shown an affinity for the sharp counterattack. When a group of Arkansas state troopers in the early 1990s began leveling charges that Bill Clinton had strayed in his marriage, Blumenthal shot back–penning an article in The New Yorker accusing the troopers of a litany of their own transgressions, including attempted fraud, marital infidelity and drunken driving.

Now, Blumenthal himself faces charges of driving drunk. Blumenthal, an unpaid senior adviser to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, was arrested in Nashua on the eve of the New Hampshire primary and charged with aggravated DWI, according two members of the Nashua police force.

Sgt. Mike Masella, one of the arresting officers, said the movements of a Buick caught his eye. “I observed all his erratic driving,” Masella said. “When I first noticed him it was at an intersection. He abruptly stopped. That caught my eye … He was drifting in his lane.” Masella followed the car, a rental, for a mile and a half, and clocked its speed at 70mph in a 30mph zone–more than twice the legal limit. Masella pulled the car over at 12:30 a.m. Monday morning. Blumenthal told the officer he was returning to his hotel from a restaurant in Manchester. After declining to take a Breathalyzer, Masella says, Blumenthal failed a field sobriety test. Blumenthal was handcuffed, booked, had his fingerprints taken and was held for four hours–standard operating procedure in such arrests in New Hampshire–before posting bail and being released. (He will be arraigned later this month.) Because the car was moving at excessive speeds, Blumenthal was given the more serious charge of “aggravated” DWI–which carries a mandatory sentence of at least three days behind bars. “He’s charged with a serious crime,” says Nashua Police Capt. Peter Segal, who will oversee the case as it moves toward a court date.

Now for a mugshot only Captain Morgan could love (click for full photo):

Source: Newsweek – Blumenthal On The Boil

Dynamic Douchebag Duo

It appears that Bill and Hillary Clinton are attempting to rewrite history yet again. This time, they are attempting to defend Hillary’s 2002 vote in favor of the Iraq war. According to this New York Times article, Hillary defends her vote:

In interviews and at a recent campaign event, they have said that Mr. Hagel, Republican of Nebraska, helped draft the resolution, which they said was proof that the measure was more about urging Saddam Hussein to comply with weapons inspections, instead of authorizing combat.

Mrs. Clinton repeated the claim Sunday during an interview on “Meet the Press,” saying “Chuck Hagel, who helped to draft the resolution, said it was not a vote for war.”

“It was a vote to use the threat of force against Saddam Hussein, who never did anything without being made to do so,” Mrs. Clinton said.

A vote to use the threat of force? Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton, but a rose by any other name…

Eric Lipton, author of the article seems to explain this latest round of revisionist campaign B.S. rather succinctly:

The repeated references to Mr. Hagel by the Clintons make it clear that they are trying to distance her from the Bush administration’s handling of Iraq, by associating her with a persistent critic of the war.

And now for an apporopriate graphic:

Love Buffet

 Ack:

Deputies responding to a 911 call in this East Texas town found a gruesome scene: a human ear boiling in a pot on a stovetop and a hunk of flesh impaled on a fork sitting atop a plate on the kitchen table.

Authorities believe that the man arrested in the death of his 21-year-old girlfriend cooked parts of her body and may have tried to eat them – actions they said he described to them in the emergency call that led them to the grisly discovery.

Christopher Lee McCuin, 25, was scheduled to be arraigned Monday on a capital murder charge. He was in solitary confinement at a jail on a $2 million bond Sunday night and did not have an attorney, officials said.

Authorities say it is unclear whether McCuin consumed any part of the woman’s body.

“We cannot prove that he did,” Smith County Sheriff J.B. Smith said Sunday. “He was either going to, had been or led us to think that he was doing it.”

Source: Fox News – Police Discover Gruesome Cannibalistic Scene at Texas Home

Hillary Beginning To Crack

We just may be witnessing the beginning of the end for our favorite candidatrix, Hillary Clinton. One can observe that the cracks are starting to show. Insurmountable pressure in a hopeless campaign. Why, I think I’m going to have myself a beer.

Here is an excerpt from this Wall Street Journal blog entry, which recounts an emotional Hillary Clinton addressing a group of potential voters:

The last question of the Q&A breakfast session came from Maryann Pernold, a 64-year-old undecided Democrat. Pernold said that as a woman “I know it’s hard to get out of the house and get ready,” she said. “Who does your hair?”

“It’s not easy, it’s not easy,” Clinton said shaking her head. Her eyes began to get watery as she finished answering the question, “I couldn’t do it if I didn’t just passionately believe it was the right thing to do,” she said. “I have so many ideas for this country and I just don’t want to see us fall backwards as a nation. This is very personal for me,” she said to a quiet round of supportive applause. “It’s about our country, it’s about our kids’ future, it’s really about all of us together,” she said tearing up, her voice cracking.

Oy Vey! Time to queue the brown-tongued rhetoric from steadfast supporter Slick Willie:

So, Bill Clinton says that he can’t make Hillary “Younger, Taller, Male.” That’s too bad, because he can’t make her less of a bitch either. Nor can he make her honest, credible, or trustworthy. Don’t let the MSM fool you. These are the real reasons that Hillary is falling to other candidates. America is not full of sexist, jingoistic males that refuse to accept a woman President. They (we) refuse Hillary. Period.

Gym Class Ass

There’s an old saying: Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym. Apparently, those who can’t teach gym send nude photos and sexually explicit text messages to underaged students. At least, that’s what 26-year-old Beth Ann Chester of Moon Area High School in Corapolis, PA did. According to police reports:

Beth Ann Chester, a 26-year-old health and physical education teacher at Moon Area High School in suburban Pittsburgh, was arrested Friday and charged with child sexual abuse, statutory sexual assault and related counts, authorities said.

Police said the married Chester had sent the boy three pictures of herself, two of them naked, by cell phone on Dec. 22, and the boy replied with a naked picture of himself.

The boy denied having physical contact with Chester, but there probably was contact, Moon Township Police Chief Leo McCarthy said. The boy also told police he “felt he was in love with the teacher now,” police said.

Source: Fox News – Gym Teacher Charged With Sending Nude Photos to Boy, 14

A Family Of Douchebags

It’s the second day of the new year, and pants are already making headlines:

WELLINGTON, Fla. – Five family members, who got involved in the arrest process of a relative because of his droopy jeans, spent New Year’s Eve behind bars, according to police.

Deputies said Florida State University student Franz Leger was banned from a mall last summer for wearing saggy jeans. But when Leger returned Monday, police arrested him for trespassing.

When the student’s family heard what was happening, Leger’s father, mother, sister and two cousins got involved. All were handcuffed and taken to jail.

Police said they did everything by the book, but the Leger family claims they were treated unfairly.

They said they plan to meet with a lawyer.

In the meantime, the entire family faces charges of trespassing, dissorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

It seems evident that there is a missing backstory here. For starters, why would several family members protest an arrest? Is it posssible that they were trying to turn the initial trespassing arrest into something larger than it was? From the report, each of the family members were charged with resisting arrest. This clearly suggests that none of them were conducting themselves in a rational, civilized manner. Next, why would Mr. Leger return to a mall when he knew he’d be in violation of a trespassing order? 

Alas, they are going to sue. A douchebag lawyer will see the gold in this, and will take the case as far as he can. It will cost the tax payers a ton of money in legal defense. One can only hope that this family does not get a dime out of this. They must be held accountable for what they’ve done. They get what they deserve – nothing in the bank and a criminal record.

Let’s also hope that Al Sharpton doesn’t get wind of this. He’ll turn this family into the “Wellington 6.” There will be another march on Washington, as the Department of Justice is not doing enough about the myriad incidents of pants hanging from clotheslines.

Source – Local6.com – Family Of 6 Arrested Over Droopy Jeans (…and there’s a video too)

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