We’re Back

We’re Back.
Welcome to the new and improved Douchebag Report! As you can see, we’re back… and back with a vengeance. 
We took a brief hiatus to restyle the site and provide our loyal readers with many exciting new features and a look that will further empower our fight against insanity. We thank you for sticking with us, and look forward to providing you with only the finest of douchebags that our warming… no wait… cooling… no wait… warming… earth has to offer. 
Yep. Our last post was February 22nd. My, how time flies. We apologize for leaving you  hanging for that long. But, rest assured that global warming is still a lie, Hillary Clinton is still a crooked bitch, “change” in America is still a euphemism for political inefficacy and inexperience, Sen. Larry Craig is still gay, Cindy Sheehan  still needs a sedative that hasn’t been developed yet, the mainstream media continues to discredit itself with reckless abandon, and most importantly, our first Douchebag, FORMER Judge Roy L. Pearson STILL doesn’t have his pants. 
We invite you to check out all of the new corners of Douchebag Report. We invite you to tell us what you think about our new look-and-feel. As always, we invite you to submit any douchebags that deserve global exposure. Welcome back, and by all means,  keep your pants on… 
- Ed.

You Gotta Eat (Food Stored In The Bathroom)

Considering unsavory, unsanitary conditions, many people knowingly avoid public bathroom usage. Unfortunately, patrons of a Sanford, Florida Checkers may have unknowningly eaten food that has been stored in one.

According to a WFTV.COM report, the restaurant has been cited with several major heath code violations. Topping the list is the report that hamburger buns were stored in a men’s room, only a foot away from a toilet. 

Checker’s goes through a lot of hamburger buns at its drive-thru restaurants. It’s hard to even think about what might happen to those buns in a tiny, smelly and dirty bathroom. One customer told Eyewitness News he didn’t like the manager’s reaction to his complaint about the bread box-bathroom stall combination.

“‘You got the bread in the men’s restroom.’ She got angry with me. She got T’d off and she locked the door,” Jones said.

Source: WFTV.COM - Inspection Cites Restaurant For Keeping Bread In Bathroom

Duct Tape Douchebag

If you want to rob a liquor store but find yourself without a mask, just stop by your local Home Depot and pick up a role of duct tape. Wrap liberally around your face and then demand some cash. That’s exactly what Kasey Kazee did, and then got caught:

Employees at the Shamrock Liquors in Ashland reportedly laughed when the duct tape-wrapped bandit entered the store and demanded money. After the robbery, the store manager and employee tackled the man in a nearby parking lot and held him for police, Local 6 reported.

The culprit, who police identified as Kasey Kazee, denied robbing the store even though police snapped photos showing him wrapped in duct tape and then snapped photos showing his face without the tape.

Reporters interviewed Kazee in jail after the crime.

“Look at me,” Kazee said. “Do I look like the duct-tape bandit, baby? I’m not no duct-tape bandit. Live one-on-one in Ashland, Kentucky, you know this is not me. Now look. Do the math and do the homework.”

Store employee Craig Miller said Kazee reminded him of the “Cornholio” character from the “Beavis and Butthead” cartoon, WSAZ reported.

For a laugh, you should check out the video of the culprit here.

Source: Local6.com - Police: Man Wraps Head In Duct Tape For Robbery Disguise

Laura Bush Bashing

Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle has proven that the Left hates Laura Bush because she exemplifies the traditional American woman. She portrays herself as a devote, chaste, respectful wife, mother, and woman.

The first lady represents everything that they have divorced themselves from, so they must lash out in hate. Unfortunately, they all know that she’s right.

Here is an excerpt from Michelle Malkin’s article on Morford:

Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle’s website is one of the MSM’s most unhinged, hate-filled columnists. Today he earns his pay by railing against Laura Bush because she isn’t an obnoxious, left-wing elite bigmouth like Teresa Heinz Kerry and because she doesn’t believe, as Hillary Clinton did, that her role as First Lady gives her the prerogative to plan the massive government takeover of huge swaths of the private sector.

Source: MichelleMalkin.com - Laura Bush Hatred at the SF Chronicle

Much Ado About Nothing

If there was ever a doubt that global warming is a manufactured issue (read: bald-faced LIE), one needn’t look any further than footage from “An Inconvenient Truth,” the nobel prize winning documentary drafted by the douchebag spinmaster himself, Al Gore.

It seems that Gore has decided to follow in the footsteps of 60 Minutes, Dan Rather, NBC and 20/20: If there is no issue, make one up. If you have no evidence, make it up… if you have no footage, make it up. That’s exactly what Al Gore did to dramaticize his non-issue. According to this NewsBusters article:

[I]t was revealed by ABC News that one of the famous shots of supposed Antarctic ice shelves in the film was actually a computer-generated image from the 2004 science fiction blockbuster “The Day After Tomorrow.”

Take a moment and watch this brief video that shows the footage, along with the commentary of Karen Goulekas, a video effects supervisor behind the original footage.

She later comments, “That was one hell of a shot. I think it’s great that he used it.” Wait a minute. No charges of fraud? No copyright violations? Does this mean that Hollywood is in full support of Al Gore and his crime of the century? Of course it does. Don’t think for a second that any conservative using fake Weapons of Mass Destruction footage to prove a point would not be immediately discredited and chastised.

Make no mistake. Global warming is a lie that Al Gore intends to capitalize on. Busted. Al Gore, you’re a douchebag.

Source: NewsBusters.org - Gore Used Fictional Video to Illustrate ‘Inconvenient Truth’

Eli Manning MVP, Nose Picker

Earlier this afternoon, President Bush welcomed the New York Giants to the White House in recognition of their Super Bowl XLII victory. During the speech, Bush gave special recognition to Eli Manning:

First, it’s good to be up here with the Super Bowl MVP, Eli Manning. We have a few things in common. (Applause.) We got some things in common. Eli has a father and a brother in the same business he’s in. (Laughter.) Sometimes the press are skeptical. (Laughter.) And he just survived a big wedding. So I asked him coming in, any advice? He said, I wasn’t father of the bride. (Laughter.) 

Actually, we have some advice… Don’t pick your nose in front of the press:

      

Hillary Vs. Coffee Machine

In desperate efforts to prove her blue collar roots, Hillary Clinton shared a morning commute with a sheet metal worker from South Bend, Indiana. En route, the couple stopped for gas. In what has turned out to be Hillary’s Blue Collar Comedy tour, she has proven to voters that (a) she cannot pump her own gas, and (b) cannot even pour her own coffee.

CQ: Close Split in Indiana Primary?

Excerpt from CQ Today Online News:

Indiana’s traditional early May presidential primary has been an after-thought for nearly a quarter century. But this year’s stalemated Democratic contest between Sens. Barack Obama of Illinois and Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York has given Indianans a rare share of the national spotlight.

And as Indiana Democrats prepare to vote on May 6, it is almost impossible to discern a distinct advantage for either Clinton or Obama. An exclusive CQ Politics analysis of the district-by-district competition for delegates to the Democratic National Convention show that the contest could hardly be closer — with Clinton projected to end up with a razor-thin edge over Obama.

Source: CQPolitics.com - CQ Politics Projects a Close Delegate Split in Indiana Primary

Al Franken: Tax Cheat

Al Franken can’t make us laugh and can’t pay his taxes either:

Comedian, author and former radio talk show host Al Franken, the likely Democratic Senate candidate for Minnesota, is paying $70,000 in back taxes and penalties to 17 states to make up for what he says were mistakes by his accountant.

Mistake? Now THAT’S funny, Al.

Source: blogs.reuters.com - Sent candidate Al Franken’s tax goof bites

Romney on McCain’s Short List?

The latest Evans-Novak Political Report says that “a rumor running through the political community” now puts former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney (R) in the lead to be Sen. John McCain’s vice presidential candidate. “But Romney has many critics in the McCain inner circle, and we don’t think the decision has been made.”

There is also speculation McCain could name his veep early “to step up fund-raising before the national convention.”