John Edwards: Busted.

Today we learn that presidential hopeful Barack Obama won’t be the only one getting his nuts cut off. Vice Presidential candidate Sen. John Edwards was caught visiting his mistress and love child in a Los Angeles hotel. The National Enquirer had originally alleged there was a cheating scandal back in December of last year. In true elitist liberal hypocrite fashion, both parties denied all allegations. Specifically, John Edwards reported:

“The story is false. It’s completely untrue, ridiculous . . . Anyone who knows me knows that I have been in love with the same woman for 30 plus years”

Liar.

National Enquirer reporters observed the Vice Presidential contender entering a Los Angeles hotel to spend private time with his mistress, Rielle Hunter and love child:

At 9:45 p.m. (PST) Monday Edwards appeared at the hotel, and was dropped off at a side entrance. NATIONAL ENQUIRER reporter Alan Butterfield witnessed the ex-senator get out of a BMW driven by a male companion and stroll into the hotel.

Said Butterfield: “Edwards was not carrying anything. He walked in alone. He was wearing a blue dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He was looking around nervously before he entered the hotel.

“Once inside, he interestingly bypassed the lobby and ducked down a side stairs to go to the bottom floor to catch the elevator up - rather than taking the elevator in the main lobby. He went out of his way not to be seen.”

Meanwhile, Reille had reserved rooms 246 and 252 under the name of the friend who had accompanied her from Santa Barbara, Bob McGovern. Reille was in one room and McGovern was in another with her baby. This allowed her and Edwards to spend time alone, a source revealed.

Edwards went out of the hotel briefly with Reille, they were observed by the NATIONAL ENQUIRER and then went back to her room, where he stayed until attempting to sneak out of the hotel unseen at 2:40 a.m. (PST). But when he emerged alone from an elevator into the hotel basement he was greeted by several reporters from the NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

Senior NATIONAL ENQUIRER Reporter Alexander Hitchen asked Edwards why he was visiting Rielle and whether he was ready to confirm that he was the father of her baby.

Shocked to see a reporter, and without saying anything, Edwards ran up the stairs leading from the hotel basement to the lobby. But, spotting a photographer, he doubled back into the basement. As he emerged from the stairwell, reporter Butterfield questioned him about his hookup with Reille.

Edwards did not answer and then ran into a nearby restroom. He stayed inside for about 15 minutes, refusing to answer questions from the NATIONAL ENQUIRER about what he was doing in the hotel. A group of hotel security men eventually escorted him from the men’s room, while preventing the NATIONAL ENQUIRER reporters from following him out of the hotel.

Said reporter Hitchen: “After we confronted him about seeing Rielle, Edwards looked like a deer caught in headlights!

Is this Vice Presidential material?

NY Times Rejects McCain Editorial

Hooray for liberal media bias! David Shipley, New York Times Op-Ed Editor and former Clinton speechwriter, has rejected an editorial piece drafted by Republican presidential candidate John McCain. The piece was to counter an article penned by Barack Obama, titled “My Plan for Iraq,” which the paper had published last week.

Here is the McCain editorial as it was submitted to the NY Times:

In January 2007, when General David Petraeus took command in Iraq, he called the situation “hard” but not “hopeless.” Today, 18 months later, violence has fallen by up to 80% to the lowest levels in four years, and Sunni and Shiite terrorists are reeling from a string of defeats. The situation now is full of hope, but considerable hard work remains to consolidate our fragile gains.

Progress has been due primarily to an increase in the number of troops and a change in their strategy. I was an early advocate of the surge at a time when it had few supporters in Washington. Senator Barack Obama was an equally vocal opponent. “I am not persuaded that 20,000 additional troops in Iraq is going to solve the sectarian violence there,” he said on January 10, 2007. “In fact, I think it will do the reverse.”

Now Senator Obama has been forced to acknowledge that “our troops have performed brilliantly in lowering the level of violence.” But he still denies that any political progress has resulted.

Perhaps he is unaware that the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad has recently certified that, as one news article put it, “Iraq has met all but three of 18 original benchmarks set by Congress last year to measure security, political and economic progress.” Even more heartening has been progress that’s not measured by the benchmarks. More than 90,000 Iraqis, many of them Sunnis who once fought against the government, have signed up as Sons of Iraq to fight against the terrorists. Nor do they measure Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki’s new-found willingness to crack down on Shiite extremists in Basra and Sadr City—actions that have done much to dispel suspicions of sectarianism.

The success of the surge has not changed Senator Obama’s determination to pull out all of our combat troops. All that has changed is his rationale. In a New York Times op-ed and a speech this week, he offered his “plan for Iraq” in advance of his first “fact finding” trip to that country in more than three years. It consisted of the same old proposal to pull all of our troops out within 16 months. In 2007 he wanted to withdraw because he thought the war was lost. If we had taken his advice, it would have been. Now he wants to withdraw because he thinks Iraqis no longer need our assistance.

To make this point, he mangles the evidence. He makes it sound as if Prime Minister Maliki has endorsed the Obama timetable, when all he has said is that he would like a plan for the eventual withdrawal of U.S. troops at some unspecified point in the future.

Senator Obama is also misleading on the Iraqi military’s readiness. The Iraqi Army will be equipped and trained by the middle of next year, but this does not, as Senator Obama suggests, mean that they will then be ready to secure their country without a good deal of help. The Iraqi Air Force, for one, still lags behind, and no modern army can operate without air cover. The Iraqis are also still learning how to conduct planning, logistics, command and control, communications, and other complicated functions needed to support frontline troops.

No one favors a permanent U.S. presence, as Senator Obama charges. A partial withdrawal has already occurred with the departure of five “surge” brigades, and more withdrawals can take place as the security situation improves. As we draw down in Iraq, we can beef up our presence on other battlefields, such as Afghanistan, without fear of leaving a failed state behind. I have said that I expect to welcome home most of our troops from Iraq by the end of my first term in office, in 2013.

But I have also said that any draw-downs must be based on a realistic assessment of conditions on the ground, not on an artificial timetable crafted for domestic political reasons. This is the crux of my disagreement with Senator Obama.

Senator Obama has said that he would consult our commanders on the ground and Iraqi leaders, but he did no such thing before releasing his “plan for Iraq.” Perhaps that’s because he doesn’t want to hear what they have to say. During the course of eight visits to Iraq, I have heard many times from our troops what Major General Jeffrey Hammond, commander of coalition forces in Baghdad, recently said: that leaving based on a timetable would be “very dangerous.”

The danger is that extremists supported by Al Qaeda and Iran could stage a comeback, as they have in the past when we’ve had too few troops in Iraq. Senator Obama seems to have learned nothing from recent history. I find it ironic that he is emulating the worst mistake of the Bush administration by waving the “Mission Accomplished” banner prematurely.

I am also dismayed that he never talks about winning the war—only of ending it. But if we don’t win the war, our enemies will. A triumph for the terrorists would be a disaster for us. That is something I will not allow to happen as president. Instead I will continue implementing a proven counterinsurgency strategy not only in Iraq but also in Afghanistan with the goal of creating stable, secure, self-sustaining democratic allies.

9 Iranians Convicted of Adultery Set to Be Stoned to Death

Well, here you have it… another example proving that Islam cannot hold up to it’s self-titled “religion of peace” M.O. So much for justice reform, and so much for a “Godly” Sharia Law:

TEHRAN, Iran — Eight women and one man convicted of adultery are set to be stoned to death in Iran, activists said Sunday.

Lawyer and women’s rights activist, Shadi Sadr, said the nine were convicted of adultery in separate cases in different Iranian cities.

“Their verdicts are approved, and they may be executed at any time,” she told reporters.

Sadr, who has been leading a campaign in Iran against stoning deaths since 2006, said trial protocol was not applied properly in the cases. Six of the nine were convicted based solely on judges’ decisions with no witnesses or the presence of their lawyers during their confessions, she said.

Most of the nine come from areas of Iran that have low rates of literacy and some did not understand the cases against them, she said.

One of Sadr’s colleagues, Mohammad Mostafai, said his client, Malak Qorbani, had plead guilty to adultery even though she did not know the meaning of the charge.

The nine are between 27 and 50 years old, among them a male music teacher who was convicted of adultery for having an affair with one of his students, the activists said.

“We are trying to stop the implementation of their verdicts. And secondly, we want to amend the country’s penal law, in which death by stoning is prescribed,” Sadr said.

Calls to judiciary officials were not immediately returned on Sunday.

Under Iran’s Islamic laws, adultery in the only capital offense punishable by stoning. Other capital offenses in Iran include murder, rape, armed robbery, apostasy, blasphemy, drug trafficking, prostitution, treason and espionage.

The punishment is also applied in some other countries such as Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Sudan and Nigeria.

A man is usually buried up to his waist, while a woman is buried up to her neck. Those carrying out the verdict then throw stones until the condemned dies.

Stoning was widely imposed in the early years after Iran’s 1979 Islamic revolution that toppled the pro-Western Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi and brought hard-line clerics to power. But in recent years, it has seldom been applied, though the government rarely confirms when it carries out stoning sentences. The last stoning death confirmed by the government was in July 2007.

In the recent years, reformist legislators demanded an end to death by stoning as a punishment for adultery, but opposition from hard-line clerics sidelined their efforts.

Along with adultery, other capital offenses in Iran include murder, rape, armed robbery, apostasy, blasphemy, drug trafficking, prostitution, treason and espionage.

Source: FoxNews - Activists: 9 Iranians Convicted of Adultery Set to Be Stoned to Death

Flying Imams Want Airline Security Information

Uhhh… you’ve got to be kidding, right? The trial for the notorious “flying imams” has now reached the evidence discovery phase, and a CAIR-NY attorney for the imams is requesting that US Airways cough up information on their airline safety procedures:

Omar Mohammedi, attorney for the imams, and President of the Board of Directors for the New York Chapter of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, went first. His motion was for the judge, Arthur Boylan, to compel US Airways to divulge its training manuals, and information on its security procedures, so that they could show that the security procedures were not followed down to the last jot and tittle when the imams were removed from US Airways Flight 300 on November 20, 2006.

Those of you who are following this case closely might be thinking “Arthur Boylan? What happened to Ann Montgomery?” The PACER database reports that Ann Montgomery is the presiding judge, and Arthur Boylan is a referral judge. Ann Montgomery will still be the judge at the trial in 2009.

When I realized what Mohammedi was asking for, I was briefly dazed, as I heard the sound in my mind’s ear of a thousand bloggers screaming something to the effect of “Ok, let me get this straight. A group of imams led by a fundraiser for a Muslim charity (the Holy Land Foundation) which was shut down by the Treasury Department for its connections to Hamas, is asking a judge to compel an airline to divulge its security procedures. And everyone’s OK with that?!?”

How about: “No.”

It seems evident that the imams are on an exploratory mission to obtain information on post-9/11 airline security procedures. While the CAIR-NY lawyer may claim that this is a standard request, and something to protect the civil rights of their clients, this information would undoubtedly fall into the hands of terrorists. If the judge doesn’t comply this request, is it reasonable to assume that Leaky Leahy and now Chuck Schumer would be happy to oblige?

Manson Follower Denied Release

You gotta love it when the liberal mainstream media tugs at the heart strings of America, asking for a “compassionate release” of a stone-cold killer. That’s exactly what has been called for by many media outlets (here’s a cursory google search) over Manson follower Susan Atkins, responsible for the stabbing death of Sharon Tate, and now dying of terminal brain cancer.

Well, score one for the good guys. Susan Atkins was just denied release from prison. Take that, liberal media! The public has shown that brain cancer doesn’t make you any less of a douchebag, and it doesn’t make you exempt from your prison sentence. Luckily, the California Board of Parole agrees that a life sentence is a life sentence:

The state parole board on Tuesday denied a request for compassionate release to Charles Manson follower Susan Atkins, who stabbed actress Sharon Tate to death nearly 40 years ago and is dying of brain cancer. The Calfornia Board of Parole released its unanimous decision hours after a 90-minute hearing, during which it heard impassioned pleas from both sides.

Shock Video: Road Rage Against Cyclist

Here’s a real douchebag: James F. Millican, a 21-year-old Oregon resident, who engaged in a road rage incident with a cyclist. Millican allegedly chased down cyclist Jason Scott Rehnberg with his car, and then drove off at a high rate of speed, with Rehnberg clinging on to the car hood. Following the incident, Millican was arrested for attempted second-degree assault, driving under the influence of intoxicants, third-degree criminal mischief and reckless driving. After learning that his court date had been postponed, Millican asks the judge:

“So I have to stay in jail now…for a whole week?”

It’s probably going to be a lot longer than that, douchebag.

Millican had apparently become agitated at the cyclist when he had yelled for the driver to slow down. Here’s the shock video:

Cyclist on car hood

Source: Oregonlive.com - Driver arrested after alleged road-rage incident against cyclist

2500 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall…

Foster’s Melbourne Bitter: Australian for Drunk.

The Douchebag Report salutes Michael Leary, an Australian construction worker for drowning his sorrows with good ol’ beer… to the tune of A$1000 ($972 US) per week. The Northern Territory News reports that the father of four experienced distress after breaking up with his lover, and turned to the bottle… well, about 2,500 bottles per month. Leary was convicted of his seventh drunk-driving offense, but was not sentenced to jail. At least the judge had a sense of humor:

The magistrate also poked fun at Leary’s favorite beer, Melbourne Bitter, in a part of the country where drinkers can be as loyal to beer brands as they are to football teams.

“(That is) poor judgment on two counts there — drinking that much and drinking Melbourne Bitter,” magistrate Vince Luppino was quoted as saying.

Slainte!

You Had Me At ‘Waaah’

Take that, Dick Durbin! When interrogators aren’t forcing Guantanamo Bay detainees to play with deflated basket balls, listen to rap music, and forced to eat repetitive meals, they’re making little boys cry. A video released to the public shows then 15-year-old Omar Khadr, crying for his mother, while reciting other teenage anthems such as “you don’t care about me.” What separates this young douchebag from the other teenagers is that he is accused of throwing a hand grenade that killed a U.S. soldier during a battle in Afghanistan.

Well, Mr. Durbin… so much for your Nazi prison camp and Pol Pot references, huh? Interrogators are accused of talking harshly and bringing tears to the eyes of a prisoner? Oh the humanity! If you’re old enough to kill a soldier, you’re certainly old enough to face interrogation, and, well cry if you have to… cry if you have to… cry if you have to… you would cry too if it happened to you.

Douchebag.

Happy Fourth of July

The editors of The Douchebag Report wish everyone a safe and happy 4th of July. We sincerely hope that you discount the discount the self-loathing ramblings of Philidelphia Inquirer journalist Chris Satullo and go out and light candles, enjoy fireworks, and sing a patriotic hymn this weekend.

Now take a moment and enjoy the Muppets Variation of Stars and Stripes Forever:

Chris Satullo: Don’t Celebrate the 4th

Douchebag columnist for the Philidelphia Inqurier Chris Satullo isn’t celebrating the 4th of July, and doesn’t want you to, either. Why is that? Well, he says that we’re unworthy of our heritage. Here’s an excerpt from his treason piece(piece indeed):

Put the fireworks in storage.
Cancel the parade.

Tuck the soaring speeches in a drawer for another time.

This year, America doesn’t deserve to celebrate its birthday. This Fourth of July should be a day of quiet and atonement.

For we have sinned.

We have failed to pay attention. We’ve settled for lame excuses. We’ve spit on the memory of those who did that brave, brave thing in Philadelphia 232 years ago.

If you have the stomach, I recommend reading the entire column. It’s amazing how far liberalism, left-loathing, and a typewriter can get you. In any event, no real commentary here… just an open letter from the Douchebag Report to Mr. Satullo:

To: csatullo@phillynews.com

Subject: Are you drunk?

Dear Sir:

How dare you say such incendiary things before a blessed and well-deserved national holiday? These are the times when Americans need to band together to celebrate everything that we actually have. This is a time to call attention to past and present struggles that we’ve had to deal with as a nation – struggles to preserve the freedoms that we SHOULD be celebrating.

This is indeed a time to display flags, sing patriotic hymns, go to a baseball game, and eat apple pie in celebration of the selfless, giving souls that strive for our preservation.

I wish I could say that I’d never come across your column. It pains me to see such egregious examples of the Main Stream Media’s contempt for the public. I am happy to report that few citizens share your bleak views of America. The reality is that the globe at large does not hate America. The reality is that we have not fallen upon dark times. The reality is that media outlets such as yours need to be kept in check so that far-left agendas such as yours do not poison the fabric of this nation.

Do me a favor and take this 4th of July to think about what you’ve written, and what liberties have been granted to you, enabling you to get away with such treasonous verbiage. Take this 4th of July, reflect, and stop being a douchebag.

Respectfully,
[Ed.]

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