B-Ball Douche In Rubber Heist

Binghamton University basketball player Malik Alvin was arrested for assault and shoplifting after he stole a box of condoms from an upstate New York Wal-Mart.

Alvin was confronted by security at a Vestal Wal-Mart when he tried to take 36 condoms without paying for them and tried to leave the store.  Fleeing the scene, Alvin fouled a 66-year old woman, leaving her with a concussion.

Submission Forms Fixed

Hello, loyal readers. You may have recently noticed the surprising lack of submit forms in a number of areas on the site, including “submit a douchebag,” “submit a douchebite,” “tell us,” and “contact us.” Well, we noticed this problem too and fixed it (sorry.) So… feel free to submit away once again…

Ed.

Douchebags Lead Many Law Firms, Consultant Says

Douchebag Report doesn’t know a more accurate definition for a douchebag than “a narcissist with a big ego”.  If you think that most lawyers are douchebags, you should meet their bosses.

Narcissists who like to exert control and reject collaborative decision-making are leading many large law firms through major changes, according to a consultant and Altman Weil.

“Narcissistic leaders are distinguished by their big ideas, big personalities, big egos and general indifference to the opinions of others,” consultant Douglas Richardson writes in an Altman Weil publication. “They resolutely reject the status quo, thus affronting all those tied to tradition and cautious about change. They want to reshape the world to their vision. They don’t much care if others label them vain and self-centered; they count on the power of their vision and their personal charisma to drive them to the top during periods of great upheaval or change. Their style is at best despotic, and often coercive.”

The Mayor Of Batman Is A Douchebag

Huseyin Kalkan, the mayor of the Turkish city Batman, is suing Warner Bros. and its CEO Christopher Nolan for royalties from the movie “The Dark Night”. Kalkan accused the studio of using his city’s name without permission.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”

Among the charges being prepared, Kalkan places the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological effect on the city’s residents caused by the film.

This is not the first time that Kalkan has filed suit against Warner Bros.  The company settled with Kalkan for an undisclosed amount in 2007. Kalkan has been accused of funneling that money to the PKK, a Kurdish militant group seeking independence from Turkey.

Kalkan, a Turkish Kurd, was sentenced to ten months in prison for praising Kurdish PKK leader Abdullah Ocalan and saying the PKK was not a terrorist organization in a 2006 interview with the LA Times.

US Embarrassed As Taliban Steal Humvees

TALIBAN militants were driving around in captured US army Humvee armoured vehicles in Pakistan’s tribal region close to the historic Khyber Pass last night after hijacking more than a dozen supply trucks travelling along the vital land route that supplies coalition forces in Afghanistan.

The capture of the Humvees - these days the symbol of US intervention in Iraq and elsewhere - is a serious embarrassment to US commanders of the coalition forces.

Note to US Military: You’re doing it wrong.

Fraudulent Obama Fundraising Will Probably Go Uninvestigated

Remember the reports about Obama receiving questionable campaign contributions? So does Douchebag Report.

Last December, someone using the name “Test Person,” from “Some Place, UT,” made a series of contributions, the largest being $764, to Senator Barack Obama’s presidential campaign totaling $2,410.07.

Someone identifying himself as “Jockim Alberton,” from 1581 Leroy Avenue in Wilmington, Del., began giving to Mr. Obama last November, contributing $10 and $25 at a time for a total of $445 through the end of February.

The only problem? There is no Leroy Avenue in Wilmington. And Jockim Alberton, who listed his employer and occupation as “Fdsa Fdsa,” does not show up in a search of public records.

The New York Times found nearly 3000 donations with apparently fictitious donor information.

Despite these red flags, it’s unlikely that the Federal Election Commission is going to audit the Obama fundraising campaign.

Obama is expected to escape that level of scrutiny mostly because he declined an $84 million public grant for his campaign that automatically triggers an audit and because the sheer volume of cash he raised and spent minimizes the significance of his errors. Another factor: The FEC, which would have to vote to launch an audit, is prone to deadlocking on issues that inordinately impact one party or the other – like approving a messy and high-profile probe of a sitting president.

So that’s it.  No Presidential candidate is ever going to go with public financing ever again.  One can raise a lot more money and not get audited.

It’s not as though there isn’t already a lot of red meat for the accountants at the FEC.

Obama’s campaign admitted it initially mis-categorized the purpose of an $832,598 payment for get-out-the-vote efforts to a consulting firm affiliated with ACORN, the community organizing group that became a top target for Republicans alleging voter fraud.
And FEC analysts over the course of the campaign have written more than a dozen letters to Obama singling out hundreds of contributors for whom the campaign either didn’t supply adequate information or from whom he accepted donations exceeding the $4,600 limit.

Amazingly, the sheer scale of Obama’s fundraising effort helps protect him from triggering an audit. The formula the FEC uses to determine whether a campaign should be audited takes into account the amount of money that campaign raised.

“So if a House campaign makes a $100,000 error, that’s huge and they’re likely to get audited,” he said. “If a campaign the size of the Obama campaign has a $100,000 error, then maybe not. It would depend on what the error is, obviously,” he said, explaining that mere accounting snafus are unlikely to prompt an audit. More serious and systemic problems, such as illegal contributions, result in campaigns getting tagged with more “audit points,” Mason explained. “If you get enough audit points, you get audited,” he said, adding “nobody outside the commission would know how many audit points the Obama campaign has.”

Even if the Obama campaign was to trigger an audit recommendation, an audit wouldn’t be authorized unless a majority of the three Democrat and three Republican commissioners voted for it, which is extremely unlikely.

So there you go.  Why bother following campaign finance laws at all?  It appears that the Obama campaign has already followed that question to its logical conclusion.

Douchebag Newspaper Puts American Servicemen At Risk, Helps Nation’s Enemies In Bid To Raise Sales, Attack Bush

In true New York Times fashion, the paper published a story Sunday disclosing that Donald Rumsfeld signed a secret order in 2004, authorizing the military to attack the Al Qaeda network in countries not at war with the United States.

In 2006, for example, a Navy Seal team raided a suspected militants’ compound in the Bajaur region of Pakistan, according to a former top official of the Central Intelligence Agency. Officials watched the entire mission — captured by the video camera of a remotely piloted Predator aircraft — in real time in the C.I.A.’s Counterterrorist Center at the agency’s headquarters in Virginia 7,000 miles away.

I’m sure the Pakistanis are happy to hear about operations being conducted in their territory.  The article also gives a heads up to Iran.

Apart from the 2006 raid into Pakistan, the American officials refused to describe in detail what they said had been nearly a dozen previously undisclosed attacks, except to say they had been carried out in Syria, Pakistan and other countries. They made clear that there had been no raids into Iran using that authority, but they suggested that American forces had carried out reconnaissance missions in Iran using other classified directives.

So if you happen to work for the Iranian security forces, you might want to keep your eyes open.

Max Boot points out that there may be a positive aspect for the US counterterrorism efforts, given the incoming adminstration.

I have a feeling that perhaps the MSM won’t be so eager to blow the whistle on operations ordered by a president they love rather than one they loathe. At the very least, they will give President Obama a longer presumption of goodwill than they gave to President Bush, who enjoyed it for only a few months after 9/11. If we are thus better able to make covert ops truly covert, that may well be an unexpected benefit of Obama’s ascendancy.

Tim Robbins Doesn’t Know How To Vote

Actor, ultra-liberal activist and all-around douchebag Tim Robbins had a hard time voting on Election Day, as he went to the wrong polling location.

According to a letter from the board to the actor, Robbins should have voted at Andrew Heskell Library, located at 40 West 20th Street. Instead, Robbins and his partner, Susan Sarandon, went to the McBurney YMCA, located at 125 West 14th Street.

The letter explained, in the clearest terms possible, that Robbins was being a douchebag.

”[It] would appear, based upon a review of your voter registration history, that your voting experience was less than positive because you simply went to the wrong poll site,” a letter from Gregory Soumas of the Board of Elections wrote in the letter.

Robbins, however, disagrees that he could have possibly been in error.

“I voted at my regular polling place on 14th Street in November of 2004 and 2006 and have witnesses to that,” Robbins told Access. “I have a copy of my voter registration which clearly shows my home address. A poll worker checked and my name was there on the rolls for the primaries this year. Something doesn’t jive with the actions of the Board of Elections. For no good reason, they chose to take this active voter off the voting rolls.”

That’s right, the Board of Elections was conspiring to stop Tim Robbins from voting.  Fortunately for America, Robbins was able to bring his wealth and power to bear.

“I had to get a court order from a state Supreme Court judge on Election Day to be able to cast my ballot,” he told Access.

In true Hollywood style, it’s likely that this story will have a sequel.

“This is further outrage that the Board of Elections has today sent my voter records with my address and personal information to hundreds of news sources when they could have cleared this up,” he said. “It’s an invasion of privacy and further insult. I will be seeking legal advice and may take legal action.”

What’s The Big Idea?

Meet Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-IL), co-author of “The Plan: Big Ideas for America,” and President-elect Barack Obama’s Chief of Staff. Emanuel recommends:

“There can be nothing wrong with all Americans having a joint similar experience of civil … what we call civil defense training or civil service … some sense of service to country in preparation, which will give people a sense of what it means to be an American.”

Again… “all Americans having a joint similar experience … which will give people a sense of what it means to be an American.” Here is Ben Smith’s New York Daily News interview with Emanuel:

First, vomit. Second, ask yourself if this sounds like a direct violation of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution:

“Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime where of the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the Unisted Sates, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.”

Now, what does it mean if you’re not an American? Let’s say, for example, that you’re an illegal alien that entered the United States in 2000 on a temporary visa. Let’s say that, in defiance, you ignored a court order to return to your home country of Kenya. Let’s say that you hid from the U.S. government in Boston public housing, and now illegally reside with relatives in Ohio… Oh, and let’s say that you’re Zeituni Onyango, a fugitive aunt of President-elect Barack Obama. For starters, you can forget involuntary servitude…

Ok, so what’s the big idea? Apparently, in a bi-partisan maneuver, you get to stay in the country to avoid an election night gaffe that would eclipse anything ever uttered from Sen.  Joe Biden’s mouth. Michelle Malkin reports:

“According to my sources, the Bush administration issued a 72-hour cease-and-desist order to all fugitive apprehension teams to spare Obama embarrassment over his Kenyan half-aunt, Zeituni Onyango. The Associated Press had reported on Nov. 1 that Onyango was a deportation evader – one of an estimated 700,000 illegal alien absconders who have ignored orders from immigration judges to leave the country. The wire report mentioned that the Department of Homeland Security distributed “an unusual nationwide directive within Immigrations and Customs Enforcement requiring any deportations prior to Tuesday’s election to be approved at least at the level of ICE regional directors.”

So, what’s the big idea? The illegal aliens may continue to exploit our relaxed immigration enforcement system, which exposes us to exploits from real terrorists, while real Americans are forced to  listen to the likes of Rahm Emanuel and Barack Obama, telling us how to be real Americans.

Now, help me find Rahm Emanuel’s military service record, and Barack Obama’s birth certificate, and I may pay more attention…