Wade Sanders Wants To “Swift Boat” Your Children

Remember John Kerry, the Democrat Presidential candidate who served in Vietnam to further his political career before realizing that his political fortunes would be better served by protesting against the war he spent six months fighting?

Well, one of his Swift Boat shipmates seems to have gotten himself into a little trouble using the Internet.

A San Diego veterans activist and Vietnam War hero who served in a senior Navy post during the Clinton administration pleaded guilty yesterday to a federal charge of possessing child pornography.

Wade Rowland Sanders, 67, acknowledged in federal court in San Diego that last May, he possessed computer files containing 600 images of minors, including a 21-minute video that depicted girls engaging in sex acts with an adult man, according to court records. He was caught under a 2½-year-old Department of Justice investigation called Project Safe Childhood, the U.S. Attorney’s Office in San Diego said.

Authorities arrested him Nov. 7.

Sanders has an explanation for why he had all this child porn in his possession and, interestingly enough, why he plead guilty to the charge against him.

In a telephone interview last night, Sanders said he had downloaded the files as part of his research for an article on the sexual exploitation of children in foreign countries. He said his work for the Clinton administration had included aiding victims of child sex abuse in the former Yugoslavia.

“I have no sexual attraction to children whatsoever,” Sanders said. “There was no evil intent.”

Sanders, a lawyer, said he didn’t realize federal child pornography laws barred downloading or viewing the material even by researchers. He said that is why he decided to plead guilty.

“I thought since my motives were pure and innocent, that would make a difference,” he said. “I’m technically guilty of the crime.”

Sanders pleaded guilty to one felony charge of possession of images of minors engaged in sexually explicit conduct.

In other words, Sanders has “Larry Craig”-ed himself.  He plead guilty to a deviant crime, then goes on to fight his battle in the arena of public opinion.

Sanders served as President Clinton’s Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Navy for Reserve Affairs, but chances are he’s one Clinton administration veteran who Barack Obama won’t be asking to join his administration.

Chevrolet Finds New Way To Fail

As the scene of America’s greatest loss against its Japanese competition, one might assume that Hawaii might take a live-and-let-live attitude towards our Asian competitors.

Not for one Hawaiian Chevrolet dealership.

Island Chevrolet general sales manager James Severtson arranged for a Chevrolet Suburban SUV outfitted with massive tires costing $5,000 apiece to drive over a Honda Accord.

Well, that sounds like just the gimmick that will draw in…people who already drive Chevrolets.

Unfortunately, the exercise became yet another metaphor of the Big Three on life support…

On the first attempt Friday, the monster truck blew a hydraulic hose and leaked vital fluid while the Honda remained intact and ready for more.

For most companies, having a highly orchestrated theatrical defeat of your competition blow up in your face might prove too much of an embarrassment to go on.  Not for Island Chevrolet, though.  In an attempt to become a metaphor for the Detroit bailout, they redoubled their efforts.

After several hours, the truck was repaired and driver Ryan Kepiki tried again, this time with a Hyundai Excel sedan parked next to the Honda.

Kepiki drove over the cars’ hoods, destroying the windshields to the seeming delight of the rush-hour crowd.

Severtson said the dealership had been planning the crush-fest for a while. But he said it was a happy coincidence President Bush approved a bailout for U.S. automakers as the weekend arrived.

“We’d like to send the message that the best way to support your country is to buy an American vehicle today,” Severtson said.

Unfortunately, Chevrolet’s practice of building cars in Canada and Mexico, when companies like BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Toyota, Nissan and Honda are building cars within US borders makes the message a little confusing.

Hiram Monserrate: Queens City Douchebag

Hiram Monserrate is apparently a douchebag’s douchebag, a douchebag that other douchebags look at and say “Now THAT guy is a real douchebag!!!”

Hot-tempered city councilman Hiram Monserrate was accused of slashing his girlfriend’s face with broken glass Friday, leaving her with 20 stitches and a black eye.

What’s worse, he even shows up to court dressed like a douchebag.

Wearing black Adidas sweatpants, a Mets cap and a black wool jacket, the 41-year-old ex-cop from Elmhurst, Queens, looked weary as he stood before Judge Toko Sarita at his arraignment in Queens Criminal Court.

The city councilman was quick to pull a douchebag defense.

The city councilman claimed the injuries were accidental. “I brought her a glass of water, I leaned over and tripped,” according to a statement read in court.

Of course, Karla Giraldo, Monserrate’s girlfriend/victim was quick to enable.

Kessler said Monserrate’s girlfriend, Karla Giraldo, 29, first told hospital staff he broke a glass in his hand during a heated argument and stabbed her in the face with the shards. She later changed her story and said it was an accident.

Then she walked into the screen door a couple dozen times.

Monserrate with a more sympathetic audience:

Al Qaeda Prepares To Invade Facebook

Is nothing sacred?  After infesting Youtube and other sites, online jihadists are preparing to infect the pristine servers of Facebook with their Islamist ways.

“We can use Facebook to fight the media,” notes a recent posting on the extremist al-Faloja forum, translated by Jihadica.com. “We can post media on Facebook that shows the Crusader losses.”

“We have already had great success in raiding YouTube,” the poster adds. “American politicians have used Facebook to get votes, like the house slave Obama.”

Groups like al-Qaida were pioneering users of the internet — to train, share ideas and organize. But some observers, like George Washington University professor Marc Lynch, see a reluctance to embrace Web 2.0 tools like Facebook. “One of the biggest problems for a virtual network like AQ today is that it needs to build connections between its members while protecting itself from its enemies.  That’s a filtering problem: How do you get your people in, and keep intelligence agents out?” he asks.

Never mind intelligence agents.  What about Fox News?

A quickly growing jihadist group that used Facebook to spread its radical message has been shut down by the popular Web networking site after FOXNews.com alerted the company to the group’s activities.

Facebook blocked the group, Fursan Ghazawat Alnusra — Arabic for “Knights in Support of the Invasion” — Thursday evening after the group swelled to about 120 members in just over one week.

FOXNews.com, working closely with a former radical Muslim now dedicated to exposing cyberterror activity, was able to gain access to the group and its content.

That’s right.  Who’s protecting Facebook from the jihad?  FoxNews.com.

Obama Finds One Last Clinton White House Employee, Puts Her To Work

We at Douchebag Report have been reporting on a distinct lack of “change” when it comes to appointees in the Obama administration.

David Brooks summed it up well when he said “I’d hate to see any single member of the Clinton administration not in the Obama administration. Somebody might feel left out. I think he’s taking the whole group.”

Well, apparently there was someone missing from the team…until now.

Answering the phones these days for the co-chairman of President-elect Barack Obama’s transition, John D. Podesta, is none other than Betty Currie.

Emerging from retirement in southern Maryland to volunteer at Obama headquarters, Ms. Currie was the personal secretary to President Bill Clinton, who became caught up in an independent counsel investigation into his trysts with the White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Since leaving the White House, Ms. Currie, 69, has shied from publicity and kept a low profile in Hollywood, Md., where she lives with her husband, Bob, and Socks, the presidential cat, which she took with her after Mr. Clinton left office.

Ms. Currie, who works with local nonprofit organizations and serves on the Alcohol Beverage Board of St. Mary’s County, declined to discuss her work for Mr. Obama or her recent life, citing a transition office policy against volunteers giving interviews.

Compelled to testify to a grand jury five times about Mr. Clinton’s relationship with Ms. Lewinsky, Ms. Currie is widely admired in Clinton circles for her loyalty and effectiveness.

Mr. Podesta, who was Mr. Clinton’s last White House chief of staff, said it was natural for him to call Ms. Currie back to service.

“Of course I asked her because in the 30 years we have worked together, I have never known anyone with more grace, dedication and public spirit than Betty,” he said. “And she has one mean Rolodex.”

Are you a Clinton White House veteran?  Are you not working for the Obama White House?  Well, we’re sure they desperately want to hear from you.

Joe The Plumber’s “Big Brother” Resigns

Ohio Department of Job and Family Services Director Helen Jones-Kelley resigned Wednesday after a finding that she improperly used state computers to dig up personal information on Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher after he asked Barack Obama about his tax plan.

Department of Job and Family Services Director Helen Jones-Kelley said in a statement accompanying her resignation that she won’t allow her reputation to be disparaged and that she is concerned for her family’s safety.

“This decision comes after a time of pause, in which I realize that I continue to be used as a political postscript, providing a distraction from urgent state priorities,” she said in her statement.

She could not be reached for additional comment Wednesday night.

Gov. Ted Strickland suspended Jones-Kelley for a month without pay after the Ohio Inspector General’s office found in November that she improperly used state computers to find personal information on Samuel Wurzelbacher. The investigation also found that she conducted improper political fundraising activity for now President-elect Barack Obama.

“The governor values Helen Jones-Kelley’s years of public service as a dedicated advocate for the most vulnerable among us,” Strickland’s spokesman Keith Dailey said Wednesday. “He understands her decision and accepts her resignation.”

So Jones-Kelley violates Joe the Plumber’s civil rights, abuses her government powers and she claims she’s the one worried about having her reputation disparaged and her family’s safety?  That’s pretty ripe.

Jones-Kelley wasn’t the only state employee caught snooping through Wurzelbacher’s past.

Two other officials who were suspended from their positions for their role in the computer search will not be returning to their jobs, an agency spokeswoman said…

Two top-level members of Jones-Kelley’s staff also will be leaving the department, said agency spokeswoman Scarlett Bouder.

Fred Williams, the department’s assistant director, will resign effective Jan. 31 and the agency is revoking Doug Thompson’s position as deputy director of child support effective Dec. 22, she said.

Both had been suspended from their positions after being implicated in the computer records search.

So the good news, at the end of the day, is that there are three fewer douchebags working in the Ohio government…and there has been a “chilling” effect on others who would abuse their government powers to attack their political opponents.

Nassau PTA Takes Hands-On Approach To Middle School Sex-Ed

Police arrested Joan Tuckruskye, a 44 year old mother and PTA Vice President, after finding her in the backseat of her SUV with a 13 year old boy.

The parked, running 2008 Nissan Pathfinder behind Meadow Elementary School in Baldwin seemed suspicious to officers Friday night, said Det. Lt. Kevin Smith.
“They tapped on a rear window,” Smith said of the two First Precinct officers. The windows were fogged, he said, but the officers could make out two figures inside.
“They noticed both of the individuals were not clothed from the waist down,” Smith said.
The officers asked for identification, and the boy said he was 18. Smith said police were skeptical about the age of the boy, who later said he was 15. Later that evening, during an examination at Nassau University Medical Center, it was determined that the boy, whom police would not name, is 13, Smith said.

Tuckruskye’s husband seemed to be a little irritated about the new attention his family was receiving.

New York Taxing Everything In Sight

In a desperate attempt to grab money from everything possible in order to close a $15.4 billion budget gap, Governor Paterson has introduced 88 new fees and taxes.

Trying to close a $15.4 billion budget gap, Paterson called for 88 new fees and a host of other taxes, including an “iPod tax” that taxes the sale of downloaded music and other “digitally delivered entertainment services.”

“We’re going to have to take some extreme measures,” Paterson said Tuesday after unveiling the slash-and-burn budget.

The proposal, which needs legislative approval, did not include broad-based income tax increases, but relied on smaller ones to raise $4.1 billion from cash-strapped New Yorkers.

Movie tickets, taxi rides, soda, beer, wine, cigars and massages would be taxed under Paterson’s proposal. It also extends sales taxes to cable and satellite TV services and removes the tax exemption for clothes costing less than $110.

“The governor is nickel-and-diming working class families,” said Ron Deutsch, executive director of New Yorkers for Fiscal Fairness, an advocacy group.

So if you live in New York…it sucks to be you.

Not That You Care About Arena Football…

The Arena Football League has canceled its 2009 season.

The Arena Football League has canceled its 2009 season, but will resume play the following year, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and The New York Times reported on Monday.

League officials could not be reached to comment, but have previously denied the indoor football league would cancel the 2009 season. The AFL, founded in 1987, has 16 teams after New Orleans folded in October.

However, the owner of the Cleveland Gladiators told the Times that AFL executives and team owners moved to suspend the 2009 season, pending approval by the players’ union, so the league could fix its economic model.

So if you were wondering why you weren’t surfing over arena football games in 2009, now you know.

US Anti-Kidnapping Expert Suffers Epic Fail

If you’re an expert on a crime, you really should avoid falling victim to that crime, lest you look like a douchebag.

A well-known U.S. anti-kidnapping expert has himself fallen victim to the wave of abductions in Mexico as unidentified assailants snatched him from a street in the northern state of Coahuila.

Local authorities say American Felix Batista was in Mexico to give talks and offer advice against kidnapping. The former U.S. army officer sometimes serves as a negotiator with kidnappers.

Batista is a consultant for the Houston, Texas-based security firm ASI Global LLC.

ASI Global President Charlie LeBlanc says Batista was abducted on Dec. 10 in Saltillo, the capital of Coahuila.

LeBlanc said Monday that the FBI and Mexican police are working on the case, but would not say whether any ransom demand has been received.

Well, Felix, if you don’t go all Man On Fire on these guys, don’t bother coming home.

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