NASCAR Calls for More Wrecks, More Fights, Kickass Retro Spoilers

NASCAR will be implementing several key rules changes for the 2010 Sprint Cup season in an attempt to win back bored fans.  These rules changes include the decriminalization of bump drafting in turns, the allowance of more contact, and the eventual return of the classic rear spoiler.

Bump drafting is a necessary evil on superspeedways, as some contact is essential in both drafting and nudging cars out of the way for passing.  Bumping enhances the standard drafting technique by pushing the lead car forward while pulling the trail car, increasing the speed of both cars.

However, bump drafting through turns at speeds nearing 200 mph can break loose the back wheels of the lead car, occasionally resulting in a spin.  As closely as these new cars are packed on superspeedways as a result of the parity created by restrictor plates and a common body template, minor crashes can quickly turn catastrophic.

Fighting amongst drivers is a by-product of bump drafting and the crashes that ultimately result.  Although this isn’t the NHL or the WWE, fans do appreciate a couple of them good ol’ boys throwing hands in the pits.  After all, the 1979 Daytona 500 was a turning point for NASCAR thanks to a nationally televised infield brawl between Cale Yarborough and the Allison brothers as Richard Petty crossed the line for the win.

Last week NASCAR President Mike Helton (link to video, left) explained the leniency that should provide more exciting racing through driver self-policing, of course at the risk of more crashes and fights.  It will be nice to see drivers get a little rough without being black flagged or docked Chase points.  It is essential that NASCAR maintains this Rubbin’ is Racin’ mentality.

(full press conference transcript)

The lack of crashes and fights (read: ACTION) in ’09 led to a deep dip in television ratings, prompting these changes.  No one wants to watch stock cars drive in circles double-file for two hundred laps and occasionally stop to refuel.  Anyone who tells you that it’s not all about the wrecks and the last twenty laps is full of shit.

The safer, more balanced new cars had caused the NASCAR product to decline in quality to such a degree that hardcore racing fans as like myself found themselves turning off the TV midrace.  Instead of getting drunk and spitting tobacco juice in the living room, fans are inclined to drink heavily and chew Kodiak out in the yard.

To all honest fans, the catastrophic crashes discussed earlier are unabashedly the lifeblood of NASCAR races.  No one sprints from the fridge to the TV when Bob Jenkins announces a Ryan Newman pass for the lead on lap 55.  Conversely, if DW starts screaming and crying about his little brother’s car going airborne and fireballing into thefence, your ass is across the room and on the couch for all sixty slow-mo replays and brutal in-car shots.

In addition to the diminished racing product, one of the bigger gripes among NASCAR fans and drivers is that huge stupid fuckin’ rear wing that makes the races look like a bunch of Fast and Furious R/C cars whipping around the track.  Thankfully, NASCAR plans to bring back the traditional spoiler in the second month of this season.  The cars will once again remind us of David Pearson and Neil Bonnett instead of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.

NASCAR Sprint Cup heavyweights Tony Stewart, Brian Vickers, Kurt Busch, and Greg Biffle used the new aluminum spoiler during a Goodyear tire test last week at Texas Motor Speedway.  (full story)

Vickers described the car’s feel by saying “I thought [the spoiler] was good.  I thought it added a little bit of front downforce, which is a good thing.”

On the aesthetics, Vickers added “I think it’s going to be more accepted to the fans.  It looks cooler…a little more retro back to the older car.”

2004 Cup Champion Kurt Busch spoke on his run with the spoiler, “With the spoiler on, the car had a looser feel to it.  The car was turning better and it felt like the car was sliding a bit more…what we have to do ultimately is put together a better package for drivers to drive on the track which would create more side-by-side excitement for our fans to enjoy.”

Loose, sliding cars are more fun to watch.  NASCAR needs to bounce back after a bland, unexciting 2009 season and these major adjustments should do the trick.  If not, you’ve still got something to do on Sunday.  That engine block hangin’ from the tree outside ain’t gonna fix itself, right?

The 2010 NFL Playoffs, An Intermediate Guide

Part 3: The Conference Championships

The NFL Conference Championship round is when things get serious.  A single moment in either game can change everything.  If Brett Favre doesn’t hit Webster between the numbers with an awful interception in OT of the ’08 Playoffs, maybe the Packers win the NFC and go on to get stomped by the Patriots, who perhaps complete their perfect season.  Maybe Dwight Clark drops Montana’s pass in ’81 and there is no 49ers dynasty in the 80’s.

.

New York Jets (5) at Indianapolis Colts (1), Sunday 3:00 CBS

Likewise, Peyton Manning has the opportunity this Sunday to prove himself as a clutch Quarterback and cement himself as arguably the greatest of all time by going on to win a second Super Bowl.  If the Colts lose, and the Jets go on to take the Lombardi Trophy, Mark Sanchez wears a fur coat for life.  Rex Ryan is justified for calling out The Hoodie and everyone else in the NFL and suddenly becomes Weeb Ewbank.

Rex Ryan is fun as Hell to listen to.  When asked whether the Jets have a puncher’s chance against the Colts during a press conference between his second daily Breakfast and Brunch, Ryan snapped “We’ve got a puncher’s chance like George Foreman would have a puncher’s chance.”

That kind of violent intensity has transformed an average Jets defense into the class of the NFL.  That same vicious defense should be able to bridle the Colts’ explosive passing attack long enough for Sanchez to slip in a few essential big plays amidst the onslaught of ground pounders Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene.

Something is telling me that this game will be decided in the final seconds.  Manning has the weapons, but the Jets have the mojo flowin’.

Note: The first person who thinks that they are clever in alluding to the fact that the Jets beat the Colts in Super Bowl III should be immediately punched in the dick.  This person is likely to appear on your TV, so watch the pregame show on an old tube-style set to avoid costly repairs to the new LCD in your living room.

Minnesota Vikings (2) at New Orleans Saints (1), Sunday 6:30 FOX

The Artist Formerly Known as and Again Presently Known as Prince, apparently a purple-assed Vikings fan, has released a sweet new fight song to fire up his team.  (link to “Purple and Gold” by Prince)  Doesn’t this song make you want to spear tackle Devery Henderson right between the numbers?  No, it makes you want to dive straight into a fucking wood chipper.  I had no idea that Prince was tight with all those old ladies who sing too loudly and too shrilly during Catholic masses.  You’re a legend, Prince.  Get your shit together.

Making the celebreality of this game even worse is Reggie Bush.  The first superstar performance of his opened the door for a pub-grab for his wonderfully tank-assed girlfriend Kim Kardashian.  Thanks to Reggie’s out of nowhere multiple TD game, she’s bound to get the Jessica Simpson treatment Sunday and be televised clapping at every broadcast opportunity.

Also expect to see other members of her family mugging for the camera, desperately trying to claw their way into the gossip rags and the E! channel.  I find it hilarious that when Reggie Bush and Lamar Odom (now married to Kim Kardashian’s gargantuan sister) sit down for family dinner, they aren’t the two best athletes present.  See that old lady at the head of the table?  That’s former Gold Medal Decathlete Bruce Jenner!

Speaking of self-absorbed douches, Brett Favre has the opportunity to make all of us haters eat our words.  The Ol’ Gunslinger has had a career year after having been completely written off as washed up and over the hill.

However, he faces a daunting task in going toe to toe with Drew Brees.  Percy Harvin is questionable this week with his ongoing migraine problems and his versatility will be sorely missed if he can’t go.  Adrian Peterson will have to play big to prevent Favre from feeling like he has to take the game onto his shoulders and force plays into tight coverage.

This playoff weekend should absolve the past two weeks of bad games.  Utilize the skills taught throughout all chapters of this guide.  Drink, eat, drink, and enjoy the games.  You are ready.

Barney Frank Criticizes Filibuster, Does Geico Commercial

Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA), suggested that the Senate abandon the filibuster in a recent interview heard on Air America.

In the interview, Frank said “It’s time to shut it down . . . God didn’t create the filibuster, it’s part of the Senate rules.”

Interesting. What would Rep. Frank have said if Ted Kennedy’s old seat had actually been preserved by the Democrats? Hmmm…

Here’s the video courtesy Breitbart.tv:

Following this startling admission, Rep. Frank went on to tell Americans that they could afford ObamaCare by by saving 15% or more on their car insurance:

How Many Times Will Auntie Zeituni Vote?

BOSTON — Zeituni Onyango, illegal immigrant aunt of President Barack Obama and current resident of Massachusetts may just have an opportunity to vote in today’s Senatorial run-off election. If so, will she take MSNBC’s Ed Schultz’s advice and cheat / commit voter fraud?

Auntie Zeituni, you go girl! Ten votes are in your court — will you keep the Democrats fillibuster proof???

Jose Offerman, the Starting Second Baseman for Your 2010 Major League Douchebag All Star Team

Retired Red Sox and Dodgers All Star Second Baseman Jose Offerman punched an umpire in the face on Saturday (click for video).  Offerman, now the manager of the Licey Tigers Dominican Winter League squad, saw the umpire eject Licey Tigers Catcher Ronny Paulino, who also plays part-time for the AAAA-level Pittsburgh Pirates during the Dominican Winter League offseason.  What did the umpire do?  Say the Magic Words to Jose?

Former Red Sox Second Baseman Wil Cordero had no comment, as his phone has inexplicably been off the hook for hours now.  As you may remember, Cordero beat the hell out of his wife with a phone back in 1997.  Like a true gentleman, he started beating her with his fists.  However, she tried to call the cops.  This prompting Wil to beat her with the phone receiver and strangle her with the cord.

What’s the deal with Red Sox Second Basemen committing violent crimes?  Remember when Marty Barrett killed that hooker?  Or when Bobby Doerr bottled that guy that scuffed his wingtip?  Those things didn’t really happen, but in recalling the violent crimes of Offerman and Cordero, they almost sound believable.  My Kingdom for a Jody Reed.

Is there something in that Dirty Water in Boston that encourages abuse?  Phillies Pitcher Brett Myers never beat his wife publicly until he touched down in Boston for that fateful interleague series.  As a brief aside – if Brett Myers throws a single pitch for the Astros this season, he’s the Major League Douchebag All Star Team’s Starting Pitcher.  *Click here for another example of Brett Myers being a violent douchebag to a competent reporter*

Getting back to Offerman, this isn’t even the first time he’s done something like this!  Offerman has been in some sort of Accelerated Rehabilitation probation program since 2007, stemming from an on-field assault in a 2007 Independent league game.

The story goes that Offerman was hit by a Matt Beech slider after the first few pitches had buzzed him, down 6-0 in the IL game.  Offerman went all Problem Child and took his bat to the mound to take part in some of the ol’ Ultra-V.  Subtract about ten style points for that lack of sport fighting class.  (MLB legend Tommy John explains what happned here.)  Offerman swung the bat several times, breaking Beech’s right (non-throwing) middle finger and striking catcher John Nathans in the head, ultimately ending his career with a massive concussion.

Beech was a junkballing MLB Picher in the late 90’s and Nathans a floundering Minor League Catcher, but both of their careers were cut short here.  Not by fate, but by a fuckoff who couldn’t control his temper.  Jose Offerman ended two professional careers because he lost his shit.

The worst part is that he lost his shit again on Saturday.  It’s like if The Juice went and cut two more people’s heads off.  This jackass should not be allowed within five hundred feet of a ballpark.

Jose Offerman created his legacy when he was run out of Major League Baseball and continued to fail in the Bush Leagues: A deficient-fielding, light-hitting 2B who somehow stumbled his way onto two MLB All Star teams.  His legacy is one of almost complete shame and embarrassment.  Welcome to the MLD All Star Team, Jose!

Obama Deploys Retired Schoolteacher To Thwart Pay Czar Wrath

BOSTON — Salary and general public approval at risk, President Barack Obama fought Sunday to save his executive compensation package. The $400,000 per annum deal, approved by Congress and then-President Bill Clinton in 1999, is now under the strict scrutiny of pay czar Kenneth Feinberg.

Ambitious Obama appointee Feinberg had months earlier stated that he had “broad and ’binding’ authority over executive compensation, including the ability to  ’claw back’ money already paid, and is weighing in on how and whether to use that power.” More recently, Feinberg has been subject to heavy criticism over his handling of “performance based” compensation reaching from Wall Street executives to mid-level banking managers.

This can be the only reason why retired schoolteacher from Charleston, MA, Rosemary Kverek, 70, rushed to Obama’s side with her rationalization of Presidential Compensation Math:

“People are upset because there’s so many problems . . .  But the problems came from the previous administration. So we’re blaming poor Obama, who’s working 36 hours a day … to solve these problems that he inherited.”

Now, here’s the math… Poor Obama indeed, and Feinberg can’t touch this pay logic (at least according to Rosemary Kverek). If you’ll suspend disbelief for bullet point #1, we’ll serve ya’ll some Obama supportin’ salary math-a-majigs:

1. The President works 36 hours per day.
2. The President makes $400,000 per year.
3. The President works 7 days per week.

At 36 hours per day, and 7 days a week, The President works 252 hours per week.

For the uninitiated, there are actually 168 hours in a standard week. [Source: Windows XP calculator; familiarity with clock, calendar]:

Under the new Presidential pay schedule, the Commander in Chief, will work a stressful 13,104 hours each year, and by formula, will receive an hourly wage ($30+/hr) comparable to that of a yoga instructor:

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

US Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) was at a political rally attended by President Barack Obama on Sunday in a political race to determine who will replace the late Ted Kennedy and become Massachusetts’ next Senator.

According to Kennedy, it’s a tight race between someone called Marcia Coakley and former President George W Bush.  Actually Kennedy knows that state Senator Scott Brown is running as the Republican, but it’s hard to tell by listening to him.

“If you think there’s magic out there and things can be turned around overnight, then you would vote for someone who could promise you that, like Scott Brown,” Kennedy said. “If you don’t, if you know that it takes eight years for George Bush and his cronies to put our country into this hole … then you know we have a lot of digging to do, but some work needs to be done and this president’s in the process of doing it and we need to get Marcia Coakley to help him to do that.”

Oddly enough, there is no Marcia Coakley on the Massachusetts ballot, only Attorney General Martha Coakley.  Hotline On Call reports that Patrick Kennedy repeatedly referred to Martha Coakley as “Marcia”.

(Curiously, Kennedy mentioned Coakley repeatedly during his remarks to reporters, each time referring to her as “Marcia,” not “Martha.”)

Misstatements like this are not uncommon among the Kennedy clan. so it’s unclear if Patrick couldn’t get the name of the candidate he was rallying for because he knew she was going to lose and wasn’t worth the effort, because he’s back on the sauce or because he’s just trying to imitate his old man.

The 2010 NFL Playoffs, A Novice Guide Part 2: The Divisional Round

Nick Stej

January 14, 2010

The Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs presents four matchups of sheer firepower versus raw grit.  Four well rested teams are invaded by four teams who are battle hardened and salty.  Rest versus rust is always the pertinent question in this round.  The Colts and Saints have essentially taken the last month off, while their opponents have had to hack and slash a path to playoff survival.

The confidence gained by these teams last week is invaluable.  The three young quarterbacks (Flacco, Romo, and Sanchez) breezed through their first round opponents with relative ease, gaining the essential experience.  That being said, those three games were a complete and utter waste of time for viewers.  The Pats, Eagles, and Bengals simply bent over and let sloppy nature take its course.  Ned Beatty’s signature scene in Deliverance was easier to watch.

The lessons learned in completing last week’s Beginner’s Guide should serve to perfect the playoff experience in this, the second round of the NFL tournament.  For the remaining noob readers, the two winners in each conference play each other next Sunday in the individual Conference Championship games, which are the final (worthwhile) precursor to the Super Bowl.

Heat up the Crock Pot, crack your first beer, and tether your fat ass to the recliner.  It’s time for some fuckin’ pigskin, assholes!

Arizona Cardinals (4) at New Orleans Saints (1), Saturday 4:30 FOX

Don’t expect any big surprises here – this matchup should be strikingly similar to last week’s barnburner between the Cardinals and the Packers (51-45 OT).  Anquan Boldin figures to be a game time decision, but Larry Fitzgerald expects Boldin to be on the field Saturday in some capacity due to Boldin’s incomparable toughness.

Peripherals aside, two big game signal callers will have no difficulty finding the end zone against fairly average defenses.  Here’s a fun drinking game to play during such a scoreboard-melter as this: have each person watching the game pick a quarterback.  Half of the audience takes Kurt Warner and the other half takes Drew Brees.  Every time a QB throws a touchdown pass, the opposite group takes a shot.  Each person selects a “Wild Card” offensive player.  If that player scores a receiving touchdown, the person holding that Wild Card distributes one shot to the opponent of their choice.

Are those rules convoluted enough?  You’ll hopefully be too fucked up to notice by the first half’s final gun.  Just another exercise in idiocy.

One more thing: Enjoy watching Kurt Warner.  You may never see the old master at work again.  Your postgame activities should include: greasy dinner, more heavy drinking (it’s Saturday night), and reminiscing upon Kurt Warner great moments of yore.

Baltimore Ravens (6) at Indianapolis Colts (1), Saturday 8:15 CBS

The Colts are screwed mentally as a result of their week 16 tank job.  Thanks for giving Coach Caldwell the orders to pull the starters in the third quarter of a 15-10 game, Bill Polian!  Curtis Painter and his 9.8 QB rating worked out great for the team!  Nothing tells the paying fans to go and take a Polish Bike Ride like unabashedly throwing away a perfect season without a hint of regret.

The Ravens held a confident Colts offense to 17 points in week 11, giving the edge to a revitalized Ravens defense over a now deflated Colts squad.  Although Manning has had some success against the Ravens in the past, this doesn’t look to be his week.

The entity that may be overlooked in this matchup is Ravens QB Joe Flacco.  It is clear that Peyton Manning’s face looks like it’s been affixed onto a giant thumb, but Flacco is the spitting image of beloved homosexual Sesame Street character Bert.  The reason for this omission may be the easy predisposition of people to refer to Joe Flacco of the NFL as Shane Falco of the movie The Replacements.

Stand tall in the pocket, Bert Falco.

Dallas Cowboys (3) at Minnesota Vikings (2), Sunday 1:00 FOX

It’s a shame that the Eagles completely laid down (34-14) last week against the Cowboys, preventing the Cards/Pack winner from playing the Vikes.  It would have been amusing to watch Brett Favre completely self-destruct trying to keep pace with either Kurt Warner or Aaron Rodgers this Sunday.  Cardinals Choker Kicker Neil Rackers apparently wanted that as much as any of us.

Instead, we have the privilege of watching a pair high-octane, souped-up lemmings in a full sprint drag race toward the proverbial cliff of a five interception meltdown.   Both Favre and Romo have the potential to throw a big game away.  They’re a pair of rockheaded playmakers who thrive based on superior physical tools.  These two honkies are prime examples of the typical black quarterback archetype held by many knucklehead/racist football fans.

New York Jets (5) at San Diego Chargers (2), Sunday 4:40 CBS

The Chargers have the upper hand in this matchup due to one factor alone: LT’s Slide: The Electric Glide.  Yes, the hottest team in the NFL just got that much hotter.  LaDainian Tomlinson is the Fridge, Samurai Mike, and the Punky QB all rolled into one smooth brotha.

Tomlinson may get his glide on, but the Jets 2^nd ranked (yards/game) running game is the one to be feared Sunday against the Chargers’ 20^th ranked rushing defense, who has allowed a 5^th worst 4.5 yards per carry.

Don’t despair if the Jets jump out to an early lead via the big play.  The Bolts can put up quick points in short time thanks to their considerable physical size and athleticism at Wide Receiver and Tight End.  Cornerback Darrelle Revis can completely shut down one WR for an entire game, but the Chargers passing game clearly boasts more than merely a Philip Rivers to Vincent Jackson connection.

Rex Ryan has worked his defensive magic all year, but look for him to be drowning his sorrows in gravy while wiping away the tears with garlic bread all day Monday at the local Ponderosa greasy spoon buffet.

Postgame Activity

Getting after it as you were instructed to do last week is not advisable on consecutive Sunday nights, but devise some sort of contingency plan just in case.  Come up with a preemptive excuse for why you MAY be late/sick from work on Monday.  Jury duty, chronic car trouble, and pest control visits are valid reasons that may produce varied results for a multitude of circumstances.  You wouldn’t want your boss or coworkers to think that you’ve been coming down with the Monday Morning Quarterblahhhhh on the regular.

The 2010 NFL Playoffs, A Beginner’s Guide

Part 1: The Wild Card Round

Nick Stej

January 7, 2010

The Wild Card round of the NFL Playoffs is a good introduction to watching an entire weekend of football for those who may not be seasoned veterans of binge couch sporting. This sect includes those who nearly exclusively watch the local team, those who do not watch college football all day on Saturday, and even those who keep their football watching strictly to Sundays and the occasional Monday night game. The hard core fan, however, should not be discouraged from reading this guide, as this primer can enhance the maiden weekend of the NFL Playoffs for all classifications of football fan.

The Wild Card round presents a chance for the two best teams in each conference not to have managed to win a division title to face the winners of the lesser two of the four division winners in their respective conference. Many consider this to be the most exciting of the four rounds in the NFL tourney. Wild card teams like the ’97 Broncos, ’00 Ravens, and the ’07 Giants have gone on to win the Super Bowl in recent years.

In order to fully enjoy the weekend, pregame preparations must be made. The key items for this voyage of the sofa include the essentials: at least one case of beer per person, chips/pretzels/crackers, cheese, and an essential long-term food source like chili or pulled pork. If you don’t own a Crock Pot, go buy one. Even the novice can maintain a pot full of meatballs and marinara over the course of two days.

As the beers and artery cloggers flow, the one facet of preparation that may be overlooked is often the games themselves. The playoff slate begins at 4:30 on Saturday, so be sure to have made all preparations prior to kickoff.

The food is hot and the beer is ice cold. Rock and Roll.

New York Jets (5) at Cincinnati Bengals (4), Saturday 4:30 NBC

For the first time in NFL history, three teams will face their week 17 opponents in the first round of the playoffs. Each of the three matchups was a thorough beatdown last week. The Jets fisted the Bengals in week 17 by a decisive score of 37-0 on Sunday night. Most viewers gave up on the pathetic Bengals before the first half ended. Those who watched further were treated with the bumbling antics of Bengals backup QB JT O’Sullivan, who struggled to get plays off before the play clock expired. The Bengals looked like a bunch of assholes.

It was surprising to see Carson Palmer on the field to start the game at QB, as the rest of the Bengals had seemingly forgotten to get off the plane in Jersey. If they were going to quit, then why even play their starters? Cedric Benson was scratched from the lineup, leaving him free of the soul rape that occurred, but it seems that as the majority Bengals’ starting squad was thoroughly demoralized, they are mentally screwed to the floor for the playoffs.

If there is a game to skip this weekend, skip this one. Take the wife out to dinner, walk the dog, rip down some Christmas lights, do whatever you need to do in asking pre-forgiveness for the rest of the weekend. Never tell her how bad you know the Jets will pummel the Bungles. Insist that you’re missing a good game. Point to the final score, ignore the Chad Johnson’s garbage touchdowns, and insist that you missed a good game.

Implications: Winner plays at Indianapolis (1) if New England (3) wins Sunday; Winner plays at San Diego (2) if Baltimore (6) wins.

Postgame-Pregame: Chug/funnel/shotgun a few beers. Down a shot or two. Choose Tequila or whisky, depending on your climate and personal disposition. Drink up! It’s Saturday night, ya turkey!

Philadelphia Eagles (6) at Dallas Cowboys (3), Saturday 8:00 NBC

AJ Daulerio of deadspin.com accurately joked that the Eagles “proved that it’s possible to pull your starters even though they are actually still playing in the game.” This 24-0 shutout was so bad that I actually tuned in to the Bucs-Falcons game after the first quarter of this shit pile. No kidding. Paired with their week 9 victory, the Cowboys have outscored the Eagles 44-16.

Advantage: the team playing against Tony Romo in any playoff game until he wins one. Don’t tell me that Romo exercised all of his late season demons by stomping a hot division rival. He’s still Danny White in my book.

WR Roy Williams is symbolic of the Cowboys’ underachievement over the past few years and Eagles CB Asante Samuel should be glued to overachieving workhorse WR Miles Austin until Williams can prove that he’s worthy of more than Sheldon Brown’s solo attention.

The Wade Philsbury Doughboy (pictured twice below) will get rolled up and sent packing by Jerry Jones after another late season collapse in Philly.

Implications Pending Victory: Philadelphia plays at New Orleans (1); Dallas plays at Minnesota (2).

Postgame: Whatever the hell it is that you do at 11 on a Saturday night when you’re good and loaded.

Baltimore Ravens (6) at New England Patriots (3), Sunday 1:00 CBS

The story of this game is clearly Wes Welker’s season ending ACL/MCL tear. Welker led the league in receptions (123) despite missing two games early this season and was Brady’s only target on many key passing downs. Julian Edelman seems to be a Welker “clone”, but as we saw in the movie Multiplicity, the quality of clones is lessened with every cloning. Similarities don’t stop there, as just in the movie, no one is laughing at this mess.

The resurgent Willis McGahee stole carries from starting RB Ray Rice last week, bitch-slapping the Raiders secondary en route to three touchdowns. McGahee has made fans spill their drinks and shout in horror before, once in college and again in the pros. Third time’s the charm?

The Patriots won the week four matchup 27-21, indicating just how close these two teams are in talent. The Ravens are relatively healthy, which gives them a slight edge heading into The Razor in Foxboro.

Implications Pending Victory: Baltimore plays at Indianapolis (1); New England plays at San Diego (2).

Postgame-Pregame: your grill should be hot and ready to go. Sunday is prime for a steak and corn on the cob. I suggest a nice tender ribeye cut. A good fat marble is necessary. If the ribeye doesn’t look good, get a more reliable cut. Drink more beer.

Green Bay Packers (5) at Arizona Cardinals (4), Sunday 4:40 FOX

Last week the Pack manhandled the nothing-to-win Cardinals 33-7, but the victory was meaningless. Really, how hard is it to beat an Arizona team with hapless draft bust Matt Leinart at the helm and top receiving threats Fitzgerald and Boldin resting?

This game is the perfect capper to the Wild Card weekend. Just sit back and watch Warner and Rodgers give the scoreboard bulbs a workout. It doesn’t matter who wins this game, but I would like to see Aaron Rodgers ride into Minnesota next week and throw 5 TD’s to match the Ol’ Gunslinger’s 5 INT’s.

Implications: Winner plays at New Orleans (1) if Dallas (3) wins Sunday; Winner plays at Minnesota (2) if Philadelphia (6) wins.

Postgame Activity

By this time, you’re good and lit. The Devil on your shoulder will be telling you to continue drinking heavily and eating fried foods late into the evening. This is not correct. Unfortunately, the normally level-headed Angel is passed out in a puddle between the numbers 1 and 5 on the opposite shoulder of your new Chris Henry jersey.

Fuck it, pour the shot. Your sick days at work just refreshed on the New Year. The football gods love a working man.