Tiger Woods is Contrite, Chooses Sex Camp Over Golf

The Tiger Woods press conference came and went, not living up to the ESPN’s “Tiger Speaks” hype machine.  Tiger strolled out promptly at 11am eastern wearing casual a light blue collared shirt and dark blue sport coat and read from a well conceived fifteen minute script.  There were no questions asked by the charmed few in attendance.  As expected, Tiger kept it tight, controlled, and concise.  There was no sign of Mrs. Woods.

Tiger Woods appeared contrite and sincere, stating to the masses that “Every one of you has good reason to be critical of me.”  He begged his fans to “Find it in your heart to believe in me again” for his “Irresponsible and selfish” behavior.

Of course Tiger apologized, but before whom but his family must he prostrate himself?

Elin is obviously and justifiably ripshit.  “My real apology to her will come,” Tiger said of his wife, “with my behavior over time.”  Elin ain’t Kobe Bryant’s wife, able to be bought off with a eight pound diamond ring.  Tiger needs to get his shit straight before Elin even allows him to breathe the same oxygen that she does.

Tiger would have been better off coming out wearing a crown, cape, and scepter, flanked by a hot white bitch on each arm, but that’s just me.  As he opens his mouth to tell the public to kiss his rich black ass, the world is introduced to his new platinum grill, a suitable replacement for the massive Chiclets that were knocked out by Elin in November.  Sadly, that’s not Tiger’s m.o.

Oh and the teeth?  “Elin never hit me that night or any other night,” Tiger stated, “there was no domestic violence.”  Apparently it was an incredible coincidence that Tiger’s teeth leapt out of his maxilla at the very moment Elin was supposed to have been 7-ironing him Norman Raider style about the head and neck.

Tiger will atone for his sins with “Forty-five days in in-patient therapy” in some Dr. Drew type sex addiction camp.  Don’t have sex all day every day?  Great advice, Dr. Dickhead.

The timing of this presser is questionable, in itself creating a new group seeking apologies – the PGA.   Golfweek quotes fellow PGA’er Ernie Els as saying “It’s selfish.  You can write that.  I feel sorry for the sponsor.  Mondays are a good day to make statements, not Friday.  This takes a lot away from the golf tournament.”

Tiger is likely using the weekend to lessen the blow from the jabberjaw meatheads on ridiculous TV panel shows like Around the Horn who would eat up a five minute chunk of time every day from Monday to Friday.  However, this puts Tiger into the teeth of moral authority finger-waggers like Lupica and Albom, who will echo Tiger’s vow to “Start living a life of integrity” while yammering on the inaccurately titled Sports Reporters show on Sunday morning.

The only thing that many golf fans care about is his return, which Tiger left ambiguous.  His only reference to that came near the end of the speech when he said, “I do plan to return to golf one day…don’t rule out a return this year.”

Until then, I will continue my lifelong habit of not watching golf, a wrong for which I shall never atone.

On the Turning of the Seasons from Winter to Late Winter

Football season is over.  A lackluster 2009 NFL Playoff season ended with an entertaining Super Bowl in which Drew Moleman defeated Thumbface Manning.  Sean Payton won the Big Brass Balls Award for calling that “Ambush” onside kick for which Jim Caldwell’s team had no response.  Manning made just one mistake and it was game over, man.

There’s no Pro Bowl to avoid this Sunday, the NHL is hitting their Olympic break, the NBA All Star Game is lame, and baseball doesn’t start up for another few months.  What’s a sports fan to do?

Hear me out as I explain to you that NASCAR is the solution.  Watching stock cars drive in circles for hundreds of miles is a fun way to kill some precious time and brain cells on a Sunday afternoon.

Like in my early NFL Playoff guides, I will attempt to explain the best way to enjoy a NASCAR race.  The degree of difficulty is higher in this endeavor, as most literate Americans don’t watch auto racing.  Here comes the big swing and a probable miss.

The 52^nd Daytona 500, Sunday 1:00 FOX

Any NASCAR race is best enjoyed among a selection of like-minded individuals, as watching a race alone as a noob can tend to be dull.  This class of people includes dudes who enjoy cheap beer, chaw, and fried foods.  Such race time practices are essential for creating a stock car state of mind.  The wearing of sleeves is tolerated but generally frowned upon.

The arc of NASCAR drinking should resemble that of a day of NFL drinking, as the 500 starts at 1pm this year.  NASCAR claims to have fixed the tiresome pre-race programming problem, so a 1pm start time shouldn’t mean that the green flag actually drops at 2:30.  The duration of the race will be at least four hours, depending on the number and severity of crashes and cautions. My go-to cheap beer for a race day is Miller High Life Light because it seems to go down a bit smoother than Busch or Keystone and the standard cheap beer hangover is virtually nonexistent.

Last month provided football fans with several opportunities to experiment with Crock Pot slow cookery, but as far as food goes, Daytona is for Buffalo wings and Buffalo wings only.  Fire up the deep fryer and give ‘em hell by the time lap 50 rolls by and the timing will be perfect.

Curly fries are good as a side dish, as the deep fryer is already heated up and you’re a lazy slob.  If you want to put a little more effort in and eat something more healthy/delicious, try a box of New Orleans style red beans & rice (Zatarian’s is the best) seasoned with plenty of crushed black pepper.  Blue cheese dressing and celery are optional but recommended.  Wash it all down with the aforementioned cheap beer and you’re in Redneck Heaven.

The most important piece of advice I can give to a prospective NASCAR fan is to create an allegiance with a particular driver by the halfway mark of their first race.  Not only does this keep you more engaged during the course of the race by giving you a “team” to root for, but it aids in trash talking among your present company.  Example: “Hey [name of Dale Jr. fan], Jr. is running in the top ten.  He’s got a lot of work in front of him if he wants to get into his comfort zone of 31^st position by the end of the race.”

The same type of shit talking works with Tony Stewart being fat, Mark Martin looking like someone left him in the microwave too long, Kasey Kahne  getting hounded by cougars for being disturbingly pretty, Carl Edwards’ horse face, and the ability of Jamie McMurray, Michael Waltrip, and Casey Mears (DNQ) to each find an opportunity to crash at least once in every race.

It is important to be patient with the 500.  Wait through the annoying little spin and debris cautions because the eventual catastrophic multicar wreck, AKA The Big One (NNS race), happens at every superspeedway race.  To be fair, it’s happened a bit less often the last few seasons, but NASCAR fixed that.

Keep these things in mind this Sunday and give the Daytona 500 a shot.  If you’re going to sit on the couch all day on Sunday and drink cheap beer anyway, then why not?  No other major sports are on, Buffalo wings are awesome, car crashes satisfy human bloodlust, and the race will be over before The Simpsons airs at 8.

What have you got to lose?  If those brain cells you might kill are weak enough to be done in by a mere 12 pack, then fuck ‘em anyway.

Super Bowl XLIV: The Expert Douchebag Guide

Super Bowl Sunday is one of those special days in the year where you are fully expected to fuck up someone else’s house at a Sunday night party and show up to work on Monday in a seriously bad way.  This is pro football’s incarnation of Amateur Night.  Like New Year’s Eve is with drinking, millions of people are interested in a football game between the Colts and Saints, teams that they are likely not to have seen play at any point this season.

It is likely that at least one third of the audience has not seen the Colts play since they stomped the Bears in Super Bowl XLI.  Realize that it’s not their fault and it doesn’t have to be anyone else’s problem as long as these people stay in their own lanes and don’t annoy the hard cores during the action.

Pregame Preparation

Those who watch little football but talk big football are easy to spot and should be avoided at all costs during the seat selection process.  Seek out fans of a similar disposition who are experienced enough to sit down and shut the fuck up during the game.  If you don’t know many people attending the party, casually bring up things like nickel packages, pulling Guards, and D-line stunts.  Gravitate toward people who understand these rudimentary concepts.

Stay away from the guy who looks at you like a confused cat at the mention of an A-gap blitz, but continues to talk lots of junk about how much football he knows.   This chode is likely to regale you with tales of the fantasy football glory of his oh-so-cleverly named team, AP’s Ass Pounders, the Frankfurt Fuckfaces, or whatever BS busts this chump up.

Winning his fantasy league apparently entitles this nerd to tell you everything he knows about the game.  Such idiotic gems of his may include but are not limited to: stopping Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne is the only way for the Saints to win, running the ball to set up the pass is necessary for either of these two teams to succeed offensively, and Saints Linebacker Jamie Sharper has to make another big interception for the Saints to win.

Now that you have separated yourself from the know-it-all dipshits, find a good seat.  Be careful not to choose one that could be considered especially desirable.  Just like at the stadium, some dude from the cheaper seats is ready to swoop in and take your spot.  An unobstructed view and acceptable cushioning are the only true essentials.

Also keep in mind that you will need ready access to the beer source.  Too far from the beer source leaves you at risk of annoying people with your fat moneymaker crossing the TV every half hour, but sitting too close to the well makes you the Beer Bitch.  Choose wisely, as your seating decisions will alter your perception of this, the biggest game of the year.

Eat This!

On the much debated subject of food, always bring some kind of appetizer or finger food along with your case of beer.  Don’t do anything too elaborate – just keep to your comfort zone.  Crock Pot cooking is generally well received.  Consult the Wild Card Guide for a few culinary suggestions.

I’m going with the super easy Seven Layer Mexican Party Dip this year.  Start with an ungreased disposable baking tin (8×8” works) and layer the following ingredients in from bottom to top: refried beans, chili, chunky salsa, sour cream, finely shredded Mexican cheese, and sliced jalapeños.  One normal-sized can/jar of each (less cheese and jalapeños) is plenty.  Pop this mess in the oven at 325 until the cheese fully melts.  Once the dip cools to a semi-volcanic temperature, enjoy it with a bag of durable tortilla chips and several beers.

Note: If you noticed that there are only six layers to the Seven Layer Dip, You can count, good for you. The seventh layer is love, baby. Love.

Super Bowl XLIV, Sunday 6:25 CBS

Indianapolis Colts (14-2) vs. New Orleans Saints (13-5)

Let’s not kid ourselves and overanalyze this game.  This is a matchup between the two best quarterbacks in the NFL and the game will play as such.  The QB’s run the two most explosive offenses in the league and will undoubtedly light up the scoreboard via their squadrons of fast and talented WR/TE personnel.

The Colts are favored heading into the game, but the Dwight Freeney ankle injury is a huge advantage for the Saints.  Drew Brees will be more comfortable in the pocket without that beast breathing down his next every time he drops back.  If Jeremy Shockey is anywhere close to 100%, he will thrive coming off a Freeney chip.

The other X-factor in this game is veteran Safety Darren Sharper, who is second only to Rod Woodson (12) in career interceptions returned for touchdowns with ten, is the active NFL interception leader with 63.  Sharper led the Saints with nine picks this season and is still among the most feared ball hawks in the league at age thirty-four.

Halftime Festivus and Beyond

If there are chicks at the party, they will inevitably be clamoring for Puppy Bowl or some gay shit at the half.  Calmly inform them that The Motherfuckin’ Who is about to rock your goddamned faces off!  It doesn’t matter that Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend are a combined 129 years old, they can still kind of rock.  Well, kinda.  Townshend might be a little sluggish with his trademark Windmills, but it’s still kind of cool.  Nah.  Screw it.  Turn on the dirty mutt show.

Man, do ever I miss the good ol’ Bud Bowl.  The only worthwhile halftime show since Janet Jackson’s nip-slip was Tom Petty, and that band is all old bastards now too.  Prince was cool, but the NFL needs to get a bit more current with their selection of halftime acts.

The Finale

Regardless of the score coming out of the half, the game will be far from finished.  That is, unless the trailing QB is injured and Mark Brunell or Curtis Painter faces a large deficit, the game is well within reach for either of these potent offenses.

Be in your seat and equipped with a full plate, fresh beer, and empty bladder a few minutes before the kick.  This prevents potential squabbles over your seat.  Firmly entrenched for the second half of the Super Bowl, enjoy the culmination of the NFL season.

Prediction?  The Saints open the game with a few quick scores and ride it out to win 35-31.  If you don’t trust me, trust Tecmo Bowl…