Hockey Night is in Canada, So Suck It, America

For the dozen or two of us who happen to be American and hockey fans, the most offensive drawback of living outside of the market of your home hockey team is having the games filtered through the NHL Network.  The biggest problem with the NHL Network is that they lack the official squad of schlub commentators like the NFL and MLB Networks, who send their own teams of inept boothmen to cover the games.

The NHL Network commissions the CBC to cover the games.  Hockey Night in Canada is the Canadian equivalent of Monday Night Football.  It’s their joint, so the coverage must be great, right?  Yeah, it’s decent, but the problem with this is that local means that the announcers have a Dirk Diggler size boner for all Canadian teams.

Being a Bruins fan living in sunny Florida, I can’t watch games on NESN.  It’s alright listening to the hacks on Sun Network or whatever it is down here, but they’re supposed to be local honks for the Tampa Bay Lightning.  Go Bolts, etc.  Believe it or not, the Lightning knows how to treat their fans.  Where else can you get a 2 ticket, 2 hot dog, 2 beer, 1 parking pass package for $45?  ‘Nuff said.

The Canadians that come to Lightning games are a different story altogether.  I was at a Lightning Capitals game last season (BTW free tickets courtesy of the Lightning for fan appreciation) and at the end of the tunnel exiting the rink there were about a dozen Canadians wearing Habs, Canucks, and Flamers uniforms taunting the Americans.  Unfortunately, this was the rare sober hockey game for me and I said nothing to these hosers.  I wouldn’t want to be a beer fueled Yank mouthing off to some British “football” hoolians.

John Candy must be spinning in his grave…with an apple in his mouth…slowly on low heat…on a crude rotisserie of sorts.  War on Canada?

As an American though, I have no right to complain about my hockey being broadcast in French in at least half the size of English.  We’ve abandoned the sport as a result of the NHL abandoning ESPN coverage in exchange for the glory that is Versus Network.  NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is an idiot, but that’s another story.

The NHL Network needs to get their shit straight because they’re alienating American hockey fans with their broadcast decisions.  Get the games back on a real network in something other than NBC Lo-Def.  Seriously, the national games look like they’re being played underwater.

Regardless, Don Cherry needs to be involved in every national game.  He is the true ambassador to hockey and should be more visible.  The ironic part of this plea is that many of Don Cherry’s suits can be seen from space.

At the risk of editorializing, fuck Tim Horton’s and fuck everybody who prefers their bacon round.

CB Antonio Cromartie Traded to Jets, NYC Planned Parenthood Now Hiring Extra Staff

The New York Jets have acquired big play Cornerback and philandering douchebag Antonio Cromartie from the San Diego Chargers in exchange for a third round pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.  The pick can be upgraded to the second round pending a successful season by Cromartie, who despite his supreme physical stature (6’2”, 203 lbs.), was run out of San Diego as a result of a perceived lack of effort and physical play.

Cromartie’s stats are up to snuff even if his toughness isn’t.  In his three seasons as a Chargers starter, Cromartie had amassed 15 interceptions, 141 tackles, 2 touchdowns, and a starting 2007 Pro Bowl selection.  His pairing with bar-none-best-in-the-league CB Darrelle Revis potentially transforms the already excellent Jets secondary into the most dangerous playmaking defensive backfield in the NFL.

Antonio Cromartie’s reported off-field statistics are quite impressive by douchebag standards: seven children, all under six years old, to six women, in five states, and an upcoming court date regarding approximately $25K in unpaid child support.

This trade to New York provides Cromartie with a valuable opportunity to create an substantial East Coast franchise and try to emulate such legendary seed slingers as Travis Henry (eleven kids by ten women), Shawn Kemp (at least seven kids by at least six women), and Jason Caffey (ten kids by eight women).  At a mere twenty-five years of age, Cromartie has a chance to shatter these vaunted marks.

Antonio Cromartie needs to lock it down out on the gridiron and wrap it up off of it.  Quarterbacks are going to stay away from Revis, potentially leading Cromartie being exposed if he loses focus.  He will turn out washed up, broke, and filling the mold of countless other pro athletes turned deadbeat dads.

There is a bright side for Cromartie; should he continue the recent trend of a slight decline in skill, he may even get a chance to expand his illegitimate family internationally by joining the hallowed Canadian Football League in a few years.